Oscar montages: Is anything more necessary? Some might argue ‘no’ and be correct, but on the contrary, we believe that no Oscars telecast is truly complete without a number of time-killing, vaguely-themed tributes to arbitrary aspects of cinematic history. To keep this immortal nontedious tradition rolling, here’s our humble suggestion to the Academy, a list of 12 Terrible Oscar Montages We’d Like To See:
1. A Tribute To 20th Century Cinema
From Citizen Kane to Star Wars, Birth Of A Nation to American Pie, there truly was no century for film quite like the 20th Century. This 49-minute montage celebrates every film in the 1900s, from The Great Train Robbery to 1999’s Any Given Sunday and literally everything in between, with unforgettable single-frames of each classic movie flashing by 20-at-a-time every millisecond – a golden tribute to The Golden Century of Cinema.
2. Volleyballs In Film
Who could forget the shirtless volleyball scene in Top Gun? Or the classic pool-volleyball spike in Meet The Parents? Join Wilson from Cast Away as he narrates this trip through 70 years of spike-tacular volleyball moments on the silver screen including a rare deleted scene from 1980 Best Picture winner Ordinary People, accompanied by Zooey Deschanel and Josh Groban performing a ballad-ized “Great Balls Of Fire”.
3. A Tribute To Autotune At The Oscars
No Autotuned Oscar montage was quite like the Autotuned montage at the 2011 Oscar Ceremony. This montage pays tribute to that Oscars landmark with a remixed, re-autotuned version of the original autotuned remix, to the delight of younger demographics everywhere. Get ready to hashtag this montage with laughter!
4. The Academy Awards: Celebrating 11 Years Of Diversity
Ever since Halle Berry’s much-publicized Oscar win in 2002, the Academy has been a true shining example of diversity. This montage celebrates the ever-growing opportunities for Hollywood’s minorities, featuring clips of Tyler Perry movies, commercials narrated by Morgan Freeman, and scenes from all three Harold & Kumar films (sometimes played backwards so it looks like there’s more clips).
5. 50 Years Of Spoiler Alert!
From the Crying Game penis reveal to Bruce Willis being dead the whole time, this montage honors those moments in film we never saw coming, complete with shocking clips from the final scenes of 40 of this year’s most popular films, then Twitter runs onstage afterwards and spoils Game Of Thrones Season 2 for everyone. It’s a montage guaranteed to do whatever the opposite of ‘spoil’ is to your evening!
6. A 3-D Tribute To 3-D
Oscar pays tribute to the future of film with this groundbreaking first-ever 3-D tribute to 3-D cinema. Clips from technological powerhouses like Clash Of The Titans and Drive Angry 3-D will literally make you think they’re coming out of the screen, thus wowing Oscar patrons who paid the extra $10 for 3-D glasses at the door and the three wealthy European archdukes who currently own 3-D televisions. It’ll leave you yelling, “2-D cinema? F*ck you!”
7. Move-chigan! Movies Shot In Michigan
To honor the comeback of America’s auto industry, the Academy demonstrates its topical social-conscience by paying tribute to movies that were at least partly shot in the state of Michigan, then honoring those brave hard-working blue-collar folks with an awkwardly obligatory standing ovation. Films include Beverly Hills Cop, Scream 4, and Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, ending with the Clint Eastwood Super Bowl commercial in its entirety.
8. The Films Of Dev Patel
The Academy honors one of Hollywood’s most adequate actors of this or any other decade with alternating clips from Best Picture winner Slumdog Millionaire and Best Picture snub The Last Airbender, spliced together with occasional shots from the trailer for that Indian Hotel movie we keep seeing and aren’t sure what to make of. A montage that’s DEV-finately long overdue!
9. SNL: Saturday Night Loovies
Saturday Night Live? How about, Any Night Recorded! This montage tips its cap to the creative process, honoring the SNL recurring sketches that have inspired full-length films, including Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2, MacGruber, then the montage yells “Hey, look over there!” and points elsewhere and the rest of them fly by in two seconds.
10. The Best Of In Memoriam
The In Memoriam tribute: One of the most highly anticipated moments of any annual Oscar broadcast. This mega-tribute takes a look back at some of the fondest deceased individuals in recent cinematic history, ordered from start to finish according to how much applause they received after their names were displayed. Whoever ends up last in this montage wins an all new 2012 Toyota Highlander for their estate-holder.
11. Red: A Color In Movies
The first of this twelve-part series of montages takes a look at the color red and its irremovable impact on the world of cinema, from the Schindler’s List coat to the red sports car in American Beauty to Ariel’s hair in The Little Mermaid kind of. The cast from the movie Red narrates, alternating on every word but always saying “Red” in unison.
12. Oscar’s Tribute To Montages
Oscar Montages: Where would we be without them? Well under our three-hour running time, that’s for sure! This montage pays tribute to some of the most memorable time-filling tributes to movie stuff we either already remember or don’t care about, reminding us just how excruciating these broadcasts used to be before Twitter. So many memories…