Yes, it’s that time of year again. The Oscars! Hosted by Billy Crystal! And after sorting through thousands of photos from last night’s affair, we bring you the best pics from backstage at the Oscars, the Vanity Fair Party, the 20th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation Viewing Party, and all the other soirees neither of us were invited to. So please, sit back, block some time, and let’s take a glance at the Oscar Photos They Don’t Want You To See:
MOST LIKELY TO BE RIDDING HER BODY OF TERMITES
Jennifer Lopez and Maybe That Little Girl In The Back
“COMING UP NEXT! N***AS IN PARIS!”
Nina Dobrev and Ian Sommerholder
WOMAN ACHIEVES THE RARE “DOUBLE JOLIE”
Kelly Lynch
IT’S AS IF ALL OUR MOMS MET ADAM LAMBERT LAST NIGHT
Steven Tyler and Adam Lambert
LISA KUDROWIEST
Jennifer Westfeldt and Jon Hamm
“DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THAT TIME I WAS IN THE WAR?”
Mourielle Herrera and Rick Rubin
LOVELIEST FRONTWARDS CELINE DION BACKWARD TUX
Gwyneth Paltrow
NEW DREAM: BE CRADLED BY ELTON AND HANDED THIS ANIMAL
Sir Elton John, Zachary Furnish John, Fran Drescher & Katy Perry
LULU LEMONIEST
Diane Kruger
ROMANIAN DUVETIEST
Lily Collins
MALLARD FILLMORE
January Jones
WHY TRY TO GET WRITTEN UP IN A NEWSPAPER COLUMN WHEN YOU CAN BE A NEWSPAPER COLUMN?
Victoria and David Beckham
LITERAL FASHION ROADKILL
Elizabeth Olson
IDEAL CAST FOR RUSH HOUR 7
Puff Daddy and Ben Stiller
NIP? NIP?!? ARE YOU THERE? CAN YOU BREATHE??! NIP SAY SOMETHING!
Jennifer Lopez
JACKED PALANCE
Cameron Diaz
ASS AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE
Serena Williams, showing Cameron Diaz how it’s done
BRIDESMAID OF FRANKENSTEIN
Zoe Saldana
HOTTEST MANCANDY
Liam Hemsworth
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT COVER: IRAN EDITION
Kate Upton
THE EVENING’S FIRST GIANT OSCAR WINNER
George Clooney
LOOKING LIKE A MILLA-ION BUCKS
Milla Jovovich
MY NEW HAIR INSPIRATION AND ALSO I’M QUITTING FOOD 4VR
Rose Byrne
BOW NO SHE DIDN’T
Emma Stone
TIPS TO GET AHEAD FOR ASSPIRING ACTRESSES
J-Lo and Cameron
MOST LIKELY TO BE WATCHING A PLAYBACK OF HIMSELF SPACEBALLS-STYLE
Billy Crystal
LEGGY BUNDY
Angelina Jolie
WANT TO POINT OUT THAT THIS WOMAN FELT MY SPANX OVER MY DRESS ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO, IE MY GREATEST MOMENT OF 2012
Octavia Spencer
LEG RYAN
Angelina Jolie
LOVING HIS MUSTACHE #NOHOMO
Bradley Cooper (And Tina Fey, Who Looked Awesome)
TAKEN ONLY SECONDS BEFORE THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHERE SHE BUMPED INTO STACY KEIBLER
Meryl Streep
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, I LOVE THIS
Elizabeth Banks
WAITING FOR THEIR BALANCE BEAM SCORES
J-Lo and Camcam
FANCIEST CHARLIE SHEEN SHIRT EVER
Melissa Leo
USING THIS PHOTO AS EXCUSE TO REMIND YOU THAT JESSICA SIMPSON IS STILL PREGNANT, 3 YEARS LATER
Molly Sims
THE DRESS I WOULD WEAR IF I WAS 5 FEET TALL AND INVITED TO THE OSCARS AND ALSO NATALIE PORTMAN
Natalie Portman in Vintage 1954 Christian Dior
THIS WOMAN F*CKS JAVIER BARDEM ON THE REGULAR, NEVER FORGET IT
Penelope Cruz
PERSON MOST LIKELY TO BE USED FOR N. KOREAN MISSILE PRACTICE
Sacha Baron Cohen
READY FOR A PANTSY DRESS PARTY
Sofia Coppola
HERE’S A PHOTO OF A LEGEND.
Joan Collins and Jay Leno
MENSCRAFTERS
J.J. Abrams and Simon Baker
THOU SHALL NOT PASS
Donald Sutherland
OSCAR I MOST WISH WAS MY FACE
Jean Dujardin
A REAL CALMUNIST
Victoria Beckham
SCIENTOLOGY, TAKE ME NOW
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
MOST CARELESS OSCAR RECIPIENT
Brett McKenzie
PORN I WOULD WATCH
Jean Dujardin and Thomas Langmann
“MOM? IT’S ME. I WON.”
Ludovic Bource
HOW MANY OTHER HOSTS DID THEY CALL BEFORE YOU BILLY?
Billy Crystal
MOBYIEST
Jim Rash
SHE DOESN’T CARE IF YOU KNOW HER NAME, AS LONG AS YOU CAN PICK HER SIDEBOOB OUT OF A LINEUP
Irina Shayk
HOTTEST ROBERTO BENIGNI
Jean Dujardin
MELANIE GRIFFITH LOOKED GREAT
Martin Landau
CONVERSATION THAT WAS PROBABLY SEAUUUUU SEXY AND FRENCH
Michel Hazanavicius and Jean Dujardin
BEST PRANK: ELECTRIFYING ALL DISPLAY LIQUOR BOTTLES
Missi Pyle
MOST LIKELY TO BE AN OLD SCHOOL LOONEY TUNES GANGSTER
Thomas Langmann
MEL GIBSON, ARE YOU READING THIS?
Dermet Oger
THIS EVIL WOMAN CLEARLY SKINNED THIS GUY
Lisa Eisner
TWO OUT OF THE FIVE PEOPLE ON MY LIST OF CELEBRITIES I’D LIKE TO DINE WITH
Martin Scorsese and Fran Leibowitz
FELL FOR THE OL ELECTRIFIED BOTTLE TRICK
Rick Rubin
PRETTIEST NIRVANA GROUPIE
Dave Grohl and Steven Tyler
HE’S ALREADY GOTTEN TO SECOND BASE WITH OSCAR
Jean Dujardin
NOT. ENOUGH. CUFFS.
Kourtney Kardashian and Kim Kardashian
LEAST CON-SEALED
Heidi Klum
MOST LIKELY TO BE PUT IN THE ATTIC AFTER NEW YEARS
Mena Suvari
SIMMERHOLDER
Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder
“I GOT A DRESS, AND A MAN, AND I’M READY TO GO! SO I GUESS THAT’S PRETTY COOL. IT’S PRETTY COOL.”
Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus
STEPHEN MOYER AND HIS DATE, THE GENIE MACHINE FROM BIG
Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer
BEST PAPARAZZI BITCHSLAP
Kelly Osbourne and Adam Lambert
BLACKEST SIGMUND FREUD
Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel
SLYEST ATTEMPT AT ABSORBING BEAUTIFUL YOUTH
Adam Lambert and Elton John
PRESENTING TIM BURTON’S NO DOUBT
No Doubt
LESS STAGED THAN GLEE. LESS STAGED THAN GLEE.
Ashley Fink and Chris Colfer
“THIS IS WHAT MY VAGINA WAS LIKE WHEN I WAS MARRIED”
Sir Elton John and Katy Perry
ALESSANDRA, STANDING NEXT TO HOW BIG HER NEWBORN WILL BE OUT OF THE WOMB
Alessandra Ambrosio and Kourtney Kardashian
THEIR FAVORITE CEREAL IS “FROSTED TIPS”
Ryan Kwanten and Sir Elton John
IS THIS ACTUALLY BAR RAFAELI’S ASS? OR IS IT HER TOP HALF AND SERENA WILLIAMS’ BOTTOM HALF, SHAKESPEARE HORSE STYLE?
Heidi Klum and Bar Rafaeli
ALWAYS WEARING ROSE-COLORED GLASSES
Rose McGowan
YOU GUYS, SOMEONE FORGOT UGGIE ON THE RED CARPET
Uggie
THANKS FOR READING
The Dog Of My Dreams
[Photos: Getty Images]
