MAD MEN PREMIERE PHOTO RECAP: A Little Kiss And A Lot Of Racism

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THE OPENING CREDITS: IT’S BACK





OHHH, WHO ARE THESE CUTE NEW GUYS?





GIANT RACIST PR*CKS? PERFECT.





I DARE GERALDO TO TWEET ABOUT THIS. I. DARE. HIM.





HAIR DRAPER: OUR FIRST SHOT OF DON IS SHIRTLESS.





ALSO NEVER FORGET THAT HIS CHEST HAIR IS SHAPED IN THE EXACT SIZE, SHAPE AND FORM OF E.T.





MEANWHILE MY HOW SALLY HAS GROWN!! (INTO GWYNETH PALTROW FROM THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS.)

Keep a box of issues handy.



FIRST ASS-CRACK SIGHTING OF THE EPISODE:





WHO… THE HELL… ARE THESE KIDS???

Sally I recognize. But who is that other boy? And the little one??? I’m going to assume Jason Sudeikis is the father. No, no, no facts necessary. I know what I know.



OK KIDS! FUN TIME IS OVER. TIME TO TAKE YOU BACK TO YOUR MOM’S HOUSE. AT THE BATES MOTEL





“DADDY, HOW MANY EPISODES WILL I LAST FOR?” ” MAAAAAYBE TWO.”

Bobby is the Roseanne’s Becky of Mad Men.



LOOKS LIKE BERT COOPER STILL HASN’T BEEN BLANKENSHIP’D





BEST INTEROFFICE GAME SHOW HOST: Roger Sterling





SECOND ASS-CRACK SIGHTING OF THE NIGHT:

With a side of some infant testicles. Not close enough says local pedophile!



JOANIE’S BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE HER





WHEN BERT COOPER SAYS NATURE CALLS





HE IS BEING ABSOLUTELY LITERAL.





HI PEGGY! IT’S ME, MEGAN. FROM SEASON 4? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE IDEAS I WORKED REALLY HARD ON?





THEY’RE GREAT. *SLOWLY DRAWS LINE THROUGH IDEA*





GREAT. SO I WANT TO THROW A SURPRISE PARTY FOR DON.





HERE’S THE GUEST LIST:





THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN WRITING THESE RECAPS GENTLEMENNNN:





PRESENTING SCDP’S BEAN BALLET





STAN IS NOW MY FAVORITE CHARACTER ON MAD MEN AND ALSO MY FAVORITE EMINEM SONG

“My bean’s gone cold I’m wondering why… got out of bed at all.” I would pay money to once again see him save Brittany Murphy’s life at the mall like that one time in Clueless.



BY FAR THE BEST BEAN SCENE IN LAST NIGHT’S PREMIERE:





I EVEN LIKE HIM WHEN THE CURTAINS ARE GOING UP ON HIS BEAN BALLET:





PILLAR WHO MOST LIKELY RENTED A COPY OF J-LO’S ENOUGH

The pillar that kicked Pete’s ass.



I LOVE THIS FABULOUS BITCH

Sure, people back in the late 60s were very, very racist, but I’m happy that didn’t stop Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner from casting the long lost ghost of deceased actor jk Meshach Taylor in the role of “Random guy who tells everyone to Shhhh! but in a really gay way.” He’s the tops.



“GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I WISH I HAD NEVER MARRIED YOU. THE MERE SIGHT OF YOU MAKES ME FEEL SICK TO MY STOMAAAH GOD SURRPRIIIIISE!”





THERE WERE EVEN JEWS THERE!

I haven’t felt this proud to be Jewish since I was Bat Mitzvah’d at the age of 28 when I finally had enough friends to get a party together.



COOL, ALL THAT AMBIEN I TOOK IS MAKING ME THINK ALEX MAC IS KEN COSGROVE’S FIANCEE

DEAD.



WHAT’S NEXT? Is the Dad from Clarissa Explains It All going to make a special guest appeara–

Oh, Trudy’s Dad, You’re the 90s-Nickelodeoniest!



ABE’S URGE TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF AND DRAG HIS ASS ACROSS THE CARPET…





…CLEARLY THE INSPIRATION FOR THIS AD:



AND NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS KIDS….

ZOO BEE ZOO BE ZOO TIME!

CLICK PLAY AND SCROLL





AND A DON EMBARRASSMENT REACTION GIF WALL!





MICROPHONE MOST LIKELY TO GET SOME TONIGHT





“AS A WISE MAN ONCE SAID…. I HATE MY WIFE” — ROGER, SPEECH GENIUS





I KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS MEANS…





ENCORE!!!





OH LOOK. A WALLET. FULL OF MONEY. NO, NO, THAT’S FINE, I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT. THIS SHOW DOES TAKE PLACE AFTER 9/11 RIGHT?





“SIR, THIS IS AN OLD RUSTY MOLAR. THANK YOU!” — THAT IS HOW BAD THINGS WERE





SCREENGRAB I JUST PRINTED OUT ON FOAM BOARD AND TURNED INTO A CRIB BUMPER ON MY BED





Morning Baaaaaaabe



HERE WE SEE DON DRAPER GETTING READY…





FOR HIS UNSCHEDULED APPOINTMENT WITH MRS. SELLNER

ONE LUMP OR TWO?? (HIS TESTICLES ARE OUT.)



WOW, DID THIS WALLET-LOSER STRIKE THE LOTTERY IN EASY-TO-REMEMBER SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS!!





GUESSING THIS GUY REALLY WANTS HIS WALLET BACK





HELLO MURSE: THEY NEED TO FIND A PERMANENT ROLL FOR THIS HUMAN DRAIN CLOG OF A MAN





BEFORE I EVEN SAY ANYTHING SEXUAL SHE’S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND ME ISN’T SHE? GREAT. NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THOSE HEELS ON MY SHOULDERS…





“YES, I’M LANE PRYCE. I HAVE YOUR HUSBAND’S WALLET.”





“OH WONDERFUL. WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU IN A BIG FANCY OFFICE BUILDING?”





“YES. DESCRIBE THE PANTIES YOU’RE WEARING.”





THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE YOUR LACY UNDERTHINGS





MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION OF MEGAN





ROGER STERLING HAS TURNED INTO A WHITER MAN’S WAYNE BRADY

“Does anyone haaaave a bigger office in their purse? $1100 for a bigger office? You sir?”



JOANSMARY’S BABY TIME!





“LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME”





“OH LOOK A BABY NOT MY BABY WHOSE BABY IS THAT REMEMBER WHEN WE DID IT ON MY COUCH HI EVERYONE”
– Pete Moonwalks Out Of Room





THE SAND IN MY JOAN-SHAPED HOURGLASS WAITING FOR THESE TWO SAD ASSH*LES TO DO IT ALREADY IS RUNNING LOW





WILL THIS BITCH EVER STOP BLINKING???

No. Also first Colin Firth in Bridge Jones’ Diary and now Lane??? She must be stopped.



BEST CAMEO: NICELY NICELY FROM GUYS & DOLLS





NOTE THAT I ALSO CLEAN MY APARTMENT THIS WAY, ONLY WEARING A DISPOSABLE SCRUBBING BUBBLES BRA AND A SWIFFER 360 THONG





NEW COSMOPOLITAN SEX GAME: WATCHING ME CLEAN ON ALL FOURS





LOOKS LIKE DON ENDED UP CLEANING THE FLOOR WITH HER
(AND HIS PENIS)





BEST PREVIEW FOR THE UPCOMING AMC DREW PETERSON MOVIE





NEXT WEEK: TYLER PERRY PRESENTS “MAD MEN”





AKA HOW LANEY GOT HIS GROOVE BACK HEYYYYYY

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