It’s Game Of Thrones Season 2, Episode 2 entitled “The Night Lands,” and by “Night” they mean “More brothers and sisters spending the ‘Night’ together” and by “Lands” they mean “So many babies are getting super killed in these ‘lands.'” Very symbolic title!
For the second straight episode, we’re introduced to a new location – Theon’s nautical hometown of Pyke, and its familiar skyline:
Theon’s penis sails back to its hometown, the rest of his body attached, to recruit men and ships for a siege on King’s Landing, or at the very least, for him to have sex with when he tires of all the women and non-ships. There, he encounters a helpful and moderately flirtatious lady who offers him a ride (IN MORE WAYS THAT ONE!!!! Actually it is very much just in one way):
Theon rides to Pyke with this stranger and gives her the ‘Theon treatment’ on horseback, getting to 2nd-and-a-halfth Base (I forget, which base is copping a feel of the person’s belly?), then gives her his customary business card (a picture of his d*ck with a time) and goes to see his father, who he also accidentally feels up six times.
Theon mistakenly approaches his father while he’s shooting the intro to Squidsterpiece Theatre:
Theon is not only taken aback that no one in the town surrounding Pyke recognized him or showed him his proper noble respect, but he’s also treated dismissively by his father, who insults his fancy ‘gold-bought’ clothes and his ‘hair combed with a comb instead of with the teeth of the rival you just decapitated’. Theon’s father rejects the notion of being ‘given’ a crown by the Starks rather than earning it the proper way: With blood, steel, saltwater, sweat, bile, mucus, poo, and a little afterbirth.
So, Theon completely fails at his recruitment goal, then for good measure, the girl he was seducing / bellytouching turns out to be his sister:
Awesome! Got this week’s “Incest” quota filled, and Theon’s really making a strong early case as the season’s MVP of Smart Decisions. His father appoints the sister as commander of the armies of Pyke, while Theon takes a moment to process what he just did:
Elsewhere, Arya Stark is still incognito as a man, talking to her fellow dudes about how itchy their balls get during the football game right guys? A pair of soldiers from King’s Landing show up looking for a ‘runaway’, though it’s not immediately clear which person they’re after:
Turns out, they’re actually looking for Gendry, one of Robert’s few remaining bastards, but the soldiers are turned away after the group’s leader holds a knife to his crotch, which is basically the maximum danger anyone on Game Of Thrones can ever experience. Gendry then points out that he knows Arya is a girl – her undercover name “Boy Arya” wasn’t fooling anyone – but promises not to share the secret with anyone, lest he embarrass that one prisoner by making him realize he just tried to hit on a twelve-year-old GIRL. Ewww!)
Back at King’s Landing, Littlefinger is dealing with the traumatic aftermath of the soldiers running into his whorehouse and killing Robert’s bastard babies, which apparently has one of the prostitutes not totally in the mood for strangerbanging:
He sits down for what starts out as a sympathetic-sounding chat with the distraught girl, but because he’s him and this is Game Of Thrones, it obviously turns super-cold instantly:
Also at King’s Landing, Cersei and Tyrion listen to Robb’s conditions for peace and Cersei dismisses them, and also nixes the request to send reinforcements to The Wall to deal with the moderately disturbing increase of zombies rising from the dead and eating people (“We’ve gotta prioritize funds, dude – Joffrey’s post-birthday deathtournament is next week.”)
One of the inner-circle members remarks that ‘the dead rising’ is just another Northern superstition, which illustrates one of the odder aspects of Game Of Thrones: Characters acting dismissively towards ‘superstition’ in a world where we have definitive proof of a magical element. It’s one thing in real life to point out fallacious interpretations of seemingly miraculous occurrences, but Game Of Thrones is a world where dragons, direwolves, walking dead, message-bringing-ravens, fluctuating decade-long seasons, and fire magic all definitively exist – it seems a tad foolish for characters in this world to doubt the existence of something just because it seems magical or outlandish. I hope you’ve enjoyed this week’s ‘Almost Analysis’ Paragraph – now back to speech bubbles of characters saying d*ck things!
King’s Landing also sets the stage for the episode’s best scene, when Tyrion sits down with Janos Slynt, the commander of the city watch who once ordered the slaughter of Ned Stark’s men in the throne room. After wining and dining his sister’s choice as head watchman, Tyrion remarks that he can’t trust the man who betrayed the last Hand of the King, and insults his honor several times in typical smartassed Tyrion fashion:
Tyrion appoints Bronn The Disheveled as the new head of the knight’s watch, and Bronn escorts Janos to a ship bound for The Wall. Tyrion then warns Cersei that she’s losing the peoples’ trust because slaughtering babies is at least 5% worse than what happens constantly in King’s Landing on a daily basis, and Cersei silently indicates that this was Joffrey’s doing (Suuuuuuureeee, blame Joffrey just because he is awful and literally did give this order…)
Over in Stannis-World, Davos Seaworth recruits the pirate Salladhor Saan to Jesus Christ there are seriously too many people to keep track of at this point:
Stannis-Toby himself is busy losing his show-virginity to the fire witch Melisandre. She undresses in front of him and apologizes for taking nearly two episodes to get naked, but he resists at first because he’s married and his wife is currently sick (pick your Gingrich / John Edwards joke), but she promises to give him a son and he’s like “Well ok, but I’ll ONLY bang you from behind on this table to get that son.”
NEXT WEEK ON GAME OF THRONES: Stannis can’t remember whose Risk pieces were where, and they have to start the game over even though they were 7 hours in and Davos swears he was just about to get 7 extra men for holding Asia in the last turn.
The episode concludes at The Wall, where earlier, one of Craster’s daughters confides to Jon Snow and his bumbling pal (Fatsnow?) that she’s pregnant and afraid to give birth to a boy:
Jon tells his friend that they can’t afford to bring her along, but he also can’t shake the question of what Craster has been doing with his boys. Just when you were about to yell at the screen, “He obviously kills his sons, why is everyone acting like this is such a mystery,” it turns out, we were only half-right: Jon wakes up in the middle of the night and follows Craster into the woods, only to witness him LEAVE HIS NEWBORN SON FOR THE WALKING DEAD.
Jon panics, runs back towards the house, gets knocked out by Craster and BOOM! “Executive Producer Vince Gilligan”. (Not actually him, but it felt like one of those endings.)
So, two episodes into the season, and each episode has involved both incest AND baby-killing, not to mention the standard diet of Tyrion zingers and new soon-to-be-naked characters and eight more dudes declaring their right to the throne and plenty more sex scenes that are always fun now that I watch this show weekly with a big group of people. And there was no Joffrey in this episode, and they STILL killed a baby. This really is the best show ever for just pure awfulness.
AGGGGHGHGHGHHHHHH THAT ENDINGGGGGGGGGG!!! I WANNAAAAA SEEE THE NEXT ONENNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I know Craster doesn’t kill Jon, but maybe he dresses him up like a daughter and f*cks him???
Sundays can’t come soon enough. Nor, apparently, can Theon.
Game Of Thrones episode 2 thoughts? Stuff we missed? Predictions? Stories of getting slammed by Theon on a boat and/or at a family reunion? Leave them in the comments.