Law and Order: Special Victims Unit has just been renewed for an astonishing fourteenth season, prompting some of you other SVU fans out there to probably ask, “Where can this show POSSIBLY go in a fourteenth season, considering it’s been absurd since like Season 3?” Nonsense! There’s plenty of ridiculous, pseudo-topical plotlines left for this show to tackle / add rapes to!
Here are 14 Possible Plots for SVU: Season Fourteen, in order of most ridiculous to also most ridiculous:
14. Prominent college baseball coach Barry Flandusky is accused of molesting children on the campus of Ben State University, but an investigation leads to a disgruntled ex-mascot who framed Flandusky after being expelled for practicing ritual Santeria animal sacrifice in the state-subsidized University dining commons. Both the student and Flandusky are killed in the episode’s final minute by the University’s current mascot, who cites “spiritual self-defense” as their conflict took place on his people’s sacred Mohawk burial ground.
13. The Federal gay marriage debate is dragged into the spotlight after the President of the United States’ daughter is sexually assaulted by an anti-gay bigot in retaliation for the President’s pro-gay-rights comments, though the bigot is later revealed to have been hired by a gay man who is militantly opposed to gay marriage but only because his brother got secretly gay married once and was murdered by the president’s daughter’s highschool classmate after threatening to expose her affair with the president’s daughter’s secret service handler (which was just cover for her gay affair with the president’s daughter.) Ice-T comments, “Some land of the free.”
12. Prominent professional golfer Lion Williams is accused of murder after 900 escorts he was sleeping with turn up dead at a PETA rally in front of a cosmetics testing facility that turns out to be a front for the biggest underground bear-baiting ring in Manhattan. Williams is acquitted when the ring’s owner, “Bears” McGarricle, admits he framed Williams out of jealousy for not being the world’s most famous person with an animal first name, though in the episode’s final minute, Benson finds out that Williams did actually rape all 900 girls, and McGarricle took the fall in exchange for Williams giving lessons to his autistic golf-prodigy son (who actually pulled the trigger!)
11. Social networking is put on trial after a Ms. America winner turns up dead seconds after posting an ominous headshot on the prominent website “Headbook”. The freckles on her face in the photo turn out to be a treasure map leading straight to the mansion of Headbook founder Markie Zucklestein (guest star Frankie Muniz) who hired his Ivy League “Skullonator” cronies to kill the model to silence her the day before she was set to testify in front of a Federal commission against cybermonopolies, knowing that her history of abuse would strike a chord with the also-abused Chairman of the council. Ice-T comments, “She ain’t Likin’ this status no more.”
10. The war against pink slime gets even slimier when a woman’s body turns up at a meat packing plant with an ominous “GRADE DEAD” logo carved into her. The victim, an illegal Honduran alien, was actually pregnant with the child of the meat company’s clean-cut, philanthropic CEO, who actually raped her while on a Habitat For Humanity mission in her home country months before she was coincidentally sex-slave-traded to the U.S., escaped, and hid out at the meat packing plant to scrounge protein for her unborn child, now the company’s official heir, who was poisoned by consuming too much pink slime.
9. Billionaire author of “The Hungry Sports” Suzanne Kolber turns up dead from a bow-and-arrow wound to the pancreas, but after arresting Kolber’s jealous, rival author Steffo Myro, Benson stumbles upon a twisted underground league of Hungry Sports superfans who were determined to act out the stories from her book in real life, and the author herself had been a willing participant, calling into question the idea of legal consent and also Fracking because one of the participants is a major Fracking lobbyist. Ice-T comments, “Now this is seriously fracked up.”
8. Corn syrup: Delicious or deadly? That’s the question on the lips of Manhattanites as a billionaire corn syrup magnate turns up dead in a vat of his own controversial creation, though the cause of death is later determined to be an unrelated drug overdose from a batch of bad heroin that he acquired from a health-conscious activist drug dealer whose friend he once raped. The body was dropped into the vat by the victim’s loving grandmother Thelma in an attempt to cover up her grandson’s drug habit, knowing that he once performed oral sex on a dealer whose grandfather runs Thelma’s ultracompetitive pinochle league and would use this knowledge as a psychological edge.
7. A super-tan New Jersey mom is put on trial after her daughter dies in a tanning booth (there’s semen in the tanning booth so it falls under the SVU’s jurisdiction). It turns out, the mom was set up by her ex-husband, who couldn’t afford child support anymore after being laid off from his job in the declining newspaper industry, being unable to afford his house he bought during the mortgage crisis, and losing his savings to frauding financier Bernie Madoffff, who lost his money on purpose in retaliation for being raped by his wife. Ice-T’s like, “Y’all people never heard of sunscreen?”
6. National Sportsball League commissioner Roddy McDowell comes under fire after a “bounty” scandal rocks his league’s Baton Rouge Samaritans. Coaches admit to paying their defensive players to injure opposing players during games, and even more money to molest opposing players’ children, igniting a trial that finally answers the question “Should sports exist?” A judge answers with a resounding “NOT ON MY WATCH.”
5. Gangster rap is back on trial after a 90s East Coast Rap cover band gets into a fight at a nightclub with a 90s West Coast Rap cover band and gunshots are fired, killing everyone in both bands. Documentary filmmakers then attempt to make a movie about the revived gangster rap bloodshed, but the East Coast and West Coast filmmakers get into a fight at the film’s premiere at a nightclub and gunshots are fired, killing everyone. A rich white Congressman was behind it all though. Was there even a sex crime in this episode? Sure.
4. A “Furries” sex party at the home of a pro-NRA State Senator turns deadly when ahhh, crap it’s a repeat.
3. In a crossover episode with Law And Order: Original Recipe, Jack McCoy returns to Manhattan as the interim D.A. but turns up dead when Detective Munch allegedly used Lenny Briscoe’s body as the actual murder weapon. A mistrial is declared after 17 separate female assistant DAs can’t agree on which character actor to pin it on (Dan Hedaya? Cybill Shepherd?) and George Dzundza farts loudly. (CUT TO: Executive Producer Dick Wolf). Ice-T’s like, “Aw, hell no.”
2. Prominent celebrity Science-ologist John Nottravolta is accused of allegedly giving handjobs to repeal New York State’s controversial smoking ban, but the entire episode was the dream of the charismatic florist who appears three minutes into the episode.
1. Benson is murdered by the “Executive Producer: Dick Wolf” screen and the series ends.