Wow, John Mayer was remarkably contrite during his Ellen interview this week. The John Mayer who reflects wisely on his past seems like a totally different human being then the one who was embarrassing himself non-stop a few years ago. Ugh, does that mean we have to reevaluate our opinion of him? “It was a very strange time and it sort of rocketed me into adulthood. It was a violent crash into being an adult,” Mayer said of his numerous mistakes. “For a couple of years, it was just figuring it all out, and I’m glad I actually stayed out of the spotlight. … It was like, ‘No, idiot. Go away and be 33 and 34 instead of 28 for the fourth year.’ ” We applaud John’s journey down the road to self-discovery, but we have to wonder: Can we really get past all those amazingly dumb things he said in public? And do we haaaaaaave to? In case you’ve forgotten about John’s blunders, perhaps you’d care to remember…
- His thoughts on ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson: “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f—in’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f— you, I would start selling all my s— just to keep f—ing you.’ ”
- His relationship with Taylor Swift: Allegedly inspired Taylor’s song “Dear John,” which contained the lyrics: “Don’t you think 19’s too young/ To be played/ By your dark, twisted games/ When I loved you so.” Somehow he also managed to enrage her mother!
- “Your Body Is a Wonderland”: That entire song is just so sappy! Plus it’s burned forever on our brains! “bubblegum tongue”? “Crawling toward the pillow case”? Yeesh.
- His comments to Playboy about his wiener: “My d— is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f—in’ David Duke c—. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”
- His profoundly creepy pick-up lines: According to country singer Jessie James, “He texted me throughout the entire night while I was at the hotel room, leaving messages like, ‘Let me tuck you in. I want to see you.’”
- That. Hat.
It’s going to take awhile for us to get back onboard, John. We’re not ready to consider the fact you might not be a tool. Maybe you can start with the hat … and we can all go from there.