The 15 Greatest Posts In The History Of The Internet By Me

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Over the course of my 5+ years at BWE, I’ve written a handful of posts that I didn’t hate immediately after publishing them – I’ve collected them here in what is certain to be the internet’s most important post ever, DANTHOLOGY: My 15 Favorite BWE Posts Of All Time.

Starting in July, I’ll be moving over to write for Jest.com, where you can expect plenty more transcendent works of art like the above “Best Of The Doors” Photoshop (although if you thought that was bad, just know that it took every fiber of my being not to title my ‘Greatest Hits’ post “Honkin’ On Danbo”.) You can also follow me on Twitter, where my inanity is at least character-limited.

And on that note, cue up “Reelin’ In The Years” and let’s GET TO THE LAFFS:

15. The 10 Actual Worst Things To Put In Your Coverletter

Some “Business” website made a list of “The 10 Worst Things To Put On A Coverletter,” but it’s BS, so I improved it – read my advice instead. Theirs doesn’t even mention penises, which I guess are awesome on coverletters??

14. Norbit Trailer Remix

I made this video for BWE in 2007 when I was still a Production Assistant, and a producer saw it and went “Yeeew’ve got…IT!” and that’s how I got my writing job (I tell people):


13. 15 Wonders Of The World As Seen From Google Maps

“Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it…”

- Wes Bentley, Beauty Shop

12. Every Episode Of Undercover Boss Ever

Take THAT, the show Undercover Boss!

Related Post (as in, it’s the same post): Every Episode Of Kitchen Nightmares In One Convenient Blog Post

11. 20 First Drafts Of Popular T-Shirts

Combining my love of terrible boardwalk t-shirts with my love of rough drafts of things.

10. 10 Sexy Halloween Costumes I Don’t Want To Have Sex With

Full disclosure, I’d do like 7.

Related Post: The 20 Best Obviously Unlicensed Halloween Costumes

9. 14 Possible Plots For Season 14 Of SVU

Laugh now, before they all happen verbatim.

Law And Order SVU Season 14

8. 6 Expressions That Hollywood Will Turn Into #1 Movies
And Jumping The Sharktopus: Guessing The Next 6 Syfy Movies

I rarely had more fun at work than trying to out-stupid-Photoshop the hilarious Pete Schultz.

Other Posters: The Sex Popes, The Fedora Guys, True Barn, And The Next Woody Allen Movie.

7. 50 Celebrity Names That Sound Like Game Of Thrones Characters

A recent-ie but a goodie.

6. The 10 Best Simpsons Endings Of All Time

A semi-serious early post that still ranks as my second most-trafficked post of all time (My most-viewed post ever, crazily, was this one.)

5. The 20 Most Inappropriate Songs Used In Commercials

Really stuck it to big business on this one! And that’s why Pepsi and Nike no longer exist.

4. Here Is Every Future Episode Of ABC’s “Work It”

In retrospect, I should’ve just submitted this script and landed an actual sitcom. But at least I kept my LITERARY INTEGRITY! [Looks back at rest of list. Long Silence.]

3. Commentary: HBO’s Girls Is Not A Show About Velociraptors

I waited a week before writing my obligatory long Girls analysis, so it was the only argument left.

2. 10 THINGS ABOUT HIPSTERS THAT MAKE ME SO MAD

My angry retort to the internet’s constant, lazy, link-baiting ‘hipster’ lists was interpreted by many as an actual angry anti-hipster list, adding a layer of irony oddly befitting the subject matter.

1. The 300 Worst Fake Rapper Names

Meaningless, nonsensical absurdity that my friend Steve and I wasted days putting together and still makes me laugh really hard for no damn reason. It’s the internet in a nutshell.

Obviously, my favorite posts of all time are my TV Recaps – namely Game Of Thrones, Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, and Lost – but I couldn’t really pick one, so I listed them all in this half-assed after-list text thing. Though I was always particularly fond of this Photoshop.

So that’s it! More than 5 (!!!) years of my working life at by far the best job I’ve ever had (narrowly edging out “Dominos Driver in Forest Hills, PA”).

Quick personal thanks to all the people without whom I never would’ve gotten this job: Kevin, Raph, Bob, Danielle, and Jim, plus Alex Blagg for letting me write stuff when he easily could’ve been like “Know yer place, N00b!”, and to all the other amazing employees I’ve worked with over the years: Rohit, Cory, Josh, Jenna, Piper, Sara, Adam, Tom, Emmy, Sarah, Noah, Eliot, Lauren, Crystal, Sam, Pete, [Oscars Music] um, um, Matt, Mark, Halle, a bunch of great interns (Dave, Erin, Zach, Natalie, and more), a bunch of sh*tty interns, the BWE show staff, and Fred Graver for starting the blog, hiring me, and being the only tv person in 2007 to acknowledge that the internet might actually be a thing (now, like, four tv people do).

Also thanks to our amazingly supportive readers over the years for actually caring about the stuff we do here, and for your hilarious and often blush-inducingly complimentary comments. This site literally couldn’t have existed without you. And now it’s not going to exist anyway. NICE WORK, F*CKOS. Kidding! Kidding! You’re seriously all the best, and the outpouring of support over the past week has been absolutely overwhelming – Michelle and I have taken turns tearing up at our computers all week, and I never cry outside of Pixar movies.

Most of all though, thanks to Michelle Collins for BY FAR the most amazing working relationship I’ve ever had, which mostly consisted of us joking about being fired some 3 years before BWE.tv actually did end and cracking each other up constantly over GChat while generating online nonsense that somehow counted as work. Michelle has often called me her “work husband,” and I’d reciprocate the compliment by calling her my “work wife” if that didn’t sound like some sort of Japanese robot that’s only a butt, so instead I’ll just say, thanks for everything Michelle, it’s been super fun!

Farewell, Best Week Ever! You truly were the Greatest Job Out There!