Don’t get us wrong, we love the sex and twisted humor of True Blood. But every once in a while, the show gets so wrapped up in the task of squeezing 15 quirky plots and 50 blindingly beautiful actors into an hour of TV, it forgets another essential element of a show about vampires and other supernatural beings living in a swampy, remote town: the scary bits. To make up for it, apparently, Alan Ball and Co. made last night’s episode, with the deceptively innocuous title “Let’s Boot and Rally,” a full-on horror extravaganza. Here I’ll list the scariest bits, and at the end you can vote for the scene that kept you up all night.
1. Jesus’ head has a message. Poor Lafayette can’t catch a break. In answer to his prayers for help from the boyfriend he murdered, both Lafayette and his crazy mom are visited by the Dia de los Muertos version of Jesus (pictured above).
2. Rats eat Russell Edgington’s leftovers in the spooky abandoned mental hospital. Love how Sookie fully acknowledges that they’re about to enact the oldest horror-movie scene in the book, but still, we were wimpering right along with Alcide’s employee Doug. Everyone else was just too jaded by life in Bon Temps to flinch.
3. Jason and Sookie’s parents spurting blood. Not even Jason’s adorable PJs could save this scene from almost making me lose my dinner. Arterial blood spurts get me every time.
4. Shifter assassins shoot Sam and Luna, almost get Emma too. When I wished I could see adorable wolf-puppy Emma again, I didn’t mean I wanted to see Obama-masked lunatic rednecks shooting at her! Please let the incredibly fast healing power of shifter blood save Sam and Luna.
5. The return of Lost’s smoke monster! The fact that there is probably some evil demonic creature called an Ifrit exacting revenge on murderous American soldiers wasn’t as scary as the thought that True Blood’s FX team thought we wouldn’t notice its striking similarity to old Smokey from the island.
6. Tara dressed as Mini-Pam. Poor girl is already having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she’s an entirely new species, and now she has to dress like her goth-whorehouse-madam maker?
7. Sookie puking on Alcide. This is truly one of my nightmares. One of the most beautiful creatures on the planet tells me he’s waited so long to show me his Big Richie and … oooooh, no, there’s Orange Marzipan all over his manly work boots. Like in the books, it seems these two will never get their timing right.