There’s a new Lohan in town! No, it’s not some original Lohan Dina has been keeping on ice for when Michael Lohan Jr. finally ends puberty. TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan‘s dad Michael Lohan is allegedly expecting a child with on-again, in-court-again girlfriend Kate Major. According to their sources, Majors is in her first trimester. Considering the fact Michael and Kate have a long, gruesome history of protective orders, domestic abuse charges and arrests between them, we can only imagine Baby Lohan is going to need as much help from her relatively stable relatives as he or she can. We’ve certainly learned a lot from Lindsay, so if you wanted to just print this out and tape it up in his or her crib, girl, we really just cut out the middle man for you!
- Just call a car service or a taxi. Always just call a car service or a taxi.
- When your first TV movie flops, try, try again.
- Try not to date a DJ. Same with Wilmer Valderrama. You might think, “Oh, he’d be too old by then,” but you could be wrong.
- They are going to try to talk you into it but do not agree to star in I Know Who Killed Me 2. It’s just gauche.
- Even if Lindsay isn’t around to give you advice (say, if she’s in Cabo for the weekend), everything else you need to know can be learned from her 2004 album Speak, specifically the song “Rumors” and her 2005 album A Little More Personal (Raw), specifically the techno remix of “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father).” Maybe focus on that second one a little big more. It’s never let us down.
- At the end of the day, the only person you need to look after is yourself, not your constantly arguing parents. Oh, and Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco! You’re not going to let your unstable family environment hold you back, Glen Coco!
[Photo: Getty Images]