We Feel Like We’re Taking Crazy Pills: Katy Perry Is (Allegedly) Hooking Up With John Mayer…Again

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We don’t get it. We just do not get it. Our minds and hearts must not be able to process the powerful sexual voodoo performed by John Mayer, because we find it baffling that Katy Perry is allegedly hooking up with him…again. Is she the only person in American who hasn’t heard Taylor Swift’s “Dear John”? Apparently so, because according to Us Weekly the two were spotted canoodling at the Soho House in West Hollywood. “They were affectionate, holding hands and cuddling!” their source claims. But…but that Playboy interview! And his hat, Katy! His hat!

As we regrettably mentioned, this isn’t the first time Katy and John have cuddled and held hands. That’s all they were doing; we refuse to believe otherwise. On the night before she met her ex-husband-to-be Russell Brand at the 2009 VMAs, Perry allegedly indulged in the baffling charms of Mr. Mayer. Whoa…has John Mayer just been waiting in the wings this entire time, just hoping that Perry would one day be single again? Apparently no marriage can withstand Mayer’s raw animal charisma! We just threw up in our mouths a little bit typing that!