Hey Jeremy Renner, how’s it going? You look good. Really good, actually. We don’t know how to start this conversation, so we’re just going to come out and say it: there seems to be a witch using a machine gun in your Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters international trailer. There’s also head-butting, a nightmare candy house and, from what we can ascertain, a decapitation using string and the velocity of a flying witch. We just want to make sure that you’re okay now that the trailer has dropped, and to make verify that you know you don’t have to take every action role you get offered anymore. Those days are behind you, Jeremy.
We thought maybe after you’d stolen Mission: Impossible, The Bourne Legacy and The Avengers out from under Tom Cruise, Matt Damon and everyone but Robert Downey Jr. respectively, you felt like you couldn’t turn an action role down? Like if for some reason someone kept giving us free fudge, and part of us felt like we couldn’t not eat all of the fudge for fear that our free fudge supplier would find some other bloggers to give that free fudge too? Then we realized that Hansel And Gretel was filmed back in 2011 before have its release date delayed, and was only now being nudged out in January 2013, probably because you became the world’s number #1 action hero. So maybe no witch-slaughtering sequels, yeah? On the other hand, you do look crazy hot in a steam punk vest, so what do we know? Why wouldn’t a witch use a machine gun, when you think about it?