Have we really not had a truly epic VMA beef since Kanye went totally Kanye and snatched Taylor Swift‘s mic in 2009? How time flies. Tonight the MTV VMAs honor those artists who have crafted a truly superior piece of visual art to accompany their music. But a well-crafted celebrity feud? Well, that’s even harder to come by. So we went ahead and predicted some fantasy VMA celebrity feuds for them, just to get the ball rolling! It’s like using The Secret, except you probably shouldn’t use The Secret to have someone yank out Lana Del Rey’s weave…
1) Chris Brown vs Drake
Guys. Guys. We’re obviously hoping to avoid another alleged Drake/ Chris Brown showdown over Rihanna (it’s…kind of been done), but seeing as how the last time they were in the same room it ended with a trashed nightclub, several multi-million dollar lawsuits and poor Tony Parker suffering corneal scratches, we’re not holding our breath. Maybe they can limit themselves to some light-to-moderate scowling?
2) One Direction vs Carly Rae Jepsen and Justin Bieber
There’s a slim possibility the British boy band will want to throw down now that Carly Rae Jepsen and Justin Bieber‘s new single “Beautiful” leaked…and the lyrics are nearly identical to One Direction‘s “That’s What Makes You Beautiful.” Compare Jepsen and the Bieb’s “What makes you so beautiful is that you don’t know how beautiful you are to me.” to 1D’s “You don’t know you’re beautiful/ That’s what makes you beautiful.” If these kids decide to wild out, we, who know we are beautiful, will only be able to look on in flawless horror.
3) Kanye vs Childish Gambino
Taylor Swift who? Oh right, Taylor Swift. Duh! We mentioned her earlier. Sorry, we had already forgotten all about the Great Kanye/Taylor Beef of 2009, it’s that old. A fresh, delicious Kanye/Childish Gambino beef, on the other hand, we could see. Clever wordsmithery, questionably sexist lyrics, uh, hotness: these two have enough in common that it would only take a condescending glance at Yeezy’s Prada loafers for a new feud to be born. Or at least an epic Twitter rant.
4) Katy Perry vs Gym Class Heroes
People forget that Katy Perry and Gym Class Heroes singer Travie McCoy were once an item…an item who’s breakup is allegedly described in Perry’s song “Circle The Drain.” Never forget. Just in case it was unclear, Katy’s song is not about how fastidious Travie was about cleaning the bathroom. If Perry and McCoy don’t end up exchanging heated words outside their green rooms, they’ll probably end up making out. Oh, let’s hope it’s both! Katy’s a single lady; she can do what she wants!
5) Justin Bieber vs The Wanted
Um, remember when the New Yorker detailed how Justin straight-up punched The Wanted‘s Siva Kaneswaran in the wiener? Why they don’t have an active beef already, we’ll never know. Get those punching fists ready, ya’ll!
6) Lana Del Rey vs Lana Del Rey
You know how if you put a mirror in front of a beta fish, it attacks the mirror? We’re half kidding, but we wouldn’t be surprised if Lana Del Rey is still beefing out on herself for that…signature SNL performance.
7) Snuggie Kid vs Beyonce
Sure, Beyonce may have praised Ton Do-Nguyen as “brilliant” after seeing his genius remake of her “Countdown” video, but see if she doesn’t diva out when she is confronted with his flawlessness in person. Maybe…maybe their beef will manifest itself as a dance off. Oh god. We almost slipped into heavenly unconsciousness just typing that.
8 ) Linkin Park vs Green Day
Both these groups of screaming elder statesrockers have been around long enough and played enough of the same events to have some secret brewing beef we don’t know about/ would love to see explode at the VMAs. We know you guys have mellowed out, but maybe just some amp smashing, Linkin Park and Green Day, for old times’ sake?
9) Jack White vs Gotye
There can only be one eccentric white guy with stringy hair at these here VMAs! Part of us feels like this beef could really happen, but we mainly just want to see Jack White and Gotye hit each other in the face with their fedoras.
10) Ke$ha and The Fab Five
McKayla Maroney made adorably peeved frowning this year’s sneering. Ke$ha owns her own tattoo gun and seems fairly unstable. It’s not a matter of “if,” it’s a matter of “when.” Let that when be tonight!