Dancing With The Stars: All-Stars GIF-Capping: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly From Week 1

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Dancing With the Stars premiered last night with all the overly spray-tanned faces, judge sniping and glitter we’ve come to expect and love over the past 15 seasons. And the first all-star season of the oft-humiliating franchise took the competition up a notch with winners, finalists and favorites of the past shimmying their way through a tougher scoring system. You know, since every alum is now an expert dancer (except Pamela Anderson, just saying). But no matter how hard everyone worked, someone has to go home tonight. So let’s break down the good, the not-so-bad and the ugly from the dance floor and see if we can predict which DWTS alum will be having the first last dance.

The Good

Emmitt SmithCheryl Burke

The Football Hall of Famer —”Twinkle Toes” to you DWTS fans — is back! The Season 3 winner closed the premiere episode with a cha-cha that placed him and Cheryl at the top of the leader board. Even Len, who had been particularly reluctant to throw out praise all night said their performance was, “the last dance of the evening and the best.” Score: 24.5/30

Gilles Marini & Peta Murgatroyd

The French actor turned on his suave Sex and the City-esque appeal for his foxtrot. He placed second on Season 8, but, judging by Bruno’s exclamations about Gilles “style, panache and finesse drenched with old time Hollywood gloss and glamour,” he’s not settling for less than first this time around. I’d give him at least six of my 13 allowed votes this week just for looking so much like Jon Hamm in that cream tuxedo with black trim. Score: 24/30

Sabrina Bryan Louis Van Amstel

The fan-voted favorite chose fan-fave music this week too. But somehow One Direction‘s “What Makes You Beautiful” seemed a little to innocent for the former Cheetah Girl who shook and shimmied her way through the cha-cha with some major in-your-face sex appeal. As Bruno said, “[Sabrina] unleashed fury on the dance floor!” Score: 22.5/30

Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff

Carrie Ann Inaba called the Olympic speedskater “3,000 times more sexy” this season. It could be because Carrie Ann desperately needs to let everyone know she’s on the market again, or it could be Apolo’s hip action in his cha-cha. He should have chosen LMFAO‘s “Sexy and I Know It” over “Party Rock Anthem” this week. The crowd and the judges were loving him. Score: 22/30

Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough

Shawn’s gymnastics career may have ended (awww!), but she clearly still has her competitive spirit. She’s not the biggest personality of the all-star contestants, but as Bruno said, “The precious little princess is now a floor scorcher!” Maybe we’ll see Shawn break out of  her cutsie shell if she sticks around. Score: 22/30

The Not-So-Bad

Kelly MonacoValentin Chmerkovskiy

The soap star definitely demonstrated why she won the inaugural Dancing With The Stars. Despite having only a six-week season and never having done half the dances the rest of the contestants have, Kelly came out working the cha-cha like a pro. But the real potential fun if Kelly sticks around will be seeing the sexual tension grow between her and Val. What was that Bruno? Oh, yes, “Bam! Wham! Thank you, Ma’am!” Score: 21.5/30

Hélio Castroneves & Chelsie Hightower

Indycar driver and Season 10 winner foxtrotted his way through the hearts of the crowd this week. He was just so damn effervescent during his performance, I thought he was going to float off the ground.  Helio wasn’t as technically on as foxtrot ace Gilles Marini, but he seemed pretty pleased with his performance enough for everyone. Score: 21.5/30

Drew Lachey & Anna Trebunskaya

New papa Nick Lachey was on hand to support his Season 2 winning big brother, Drew. Though Bruno called him “Dynamic Drew” the former boy band star seemed a little stiff on his first turn on the floor. Give him just una noche to get comfortable again and Drew could be back on top next week. Score: 21.5/30

Melissa RycroftTony Dovolani

 

The former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader just can’t catch a break on ABC shows. She was dumped on The Bachelor and came in third place on DWTS Season 9. Maybe third time’s a charm for Melissa Rycroft. The judges praised her lines and extensions. And how about that costume! Sexy looks good on Melissa. Score: 21/30

The Ugly
Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Pretty sure Maks could have dragged Kirstie across the floor the entire routine and it would have been just as good.  The judges loved the emotion from the ever-dramatic “Fat Actress,” but she’s not quite up to the dance skill level as most of the other all-stars. Maybe that’s why she kissed host Tom Bergeron. Vote for her antics! Score: 19/30

Joey Fatone Kym Johnson

The Fat One started the night off with a high jump over the head of his partner. Give Joey Fatone all of the points. Score 20/30

Pamela Anderson & Tristan Macmanus

The producers were smart to pair the hottest contestant with the pro dancer with the hottest accent. Pamela’s cha-cha was pretty rough around the edges, but the Baywatch babe was superb at smack talk. She called  herself the underdog compared to Bristol Palin who’s “got the whole Tea Party, right?” Meow! Score: 17

Bristol Palin & Mark Balis

Carrie Ann voted Bristol most improved for her cha cha attempt, but the judges focused more on her confidence than the former governor’s daughter’s dance ability. On the flip side, it looks like someone’s been practicing her shimmies and sex appeal since her last appearance on DWTS. She’s giving so much face and booty right out the gate this time around.  Score: 19.5

[Photos: ABC]

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