Having only been online for a day, Hulk Hogan’s sex tape has already entered the canon of celebrity sex tapes forever. Whether that’s a good thing for him or us is another question. Haha! We’re kidding, of course! It’s horrible for both Hogan and humanity, much like these other cringe-inducing celeb sex tapes.
Gene Simmons:You’d think after bedding dozens upon hundreds of groupies, the Kiss bassist would have learned to take off his white socks during the deed. You would, of course, be wrong. We’re not saying that’s why the woman in the tape refuses to kiss him. That’s probably just out of sheer despair.
Kid Rock and Scott Stapp: If the fact that this sex tape includes both Kid Rock and the lead singer of Creed isn’t enough to tell you why it’s unsexy, you need to sit in a quiet, dark room and think about your life up until the moment you started reading this post.
Verne Troyer: I mean…he’s Mini-Me. Remember when Fat Bastard thinks he’s a baby and wants to eat him? That guy has a sex tape.
Tupac Shakur: Hey, Tupac was an attractive man…an attractive man who had been dead for fifteen years when news of a possible sex tape surfaced in 2011. Can we all collectively have one tiny shred of class, please? We know Tupac allegedly puts his arm around a friend and sings one of his own songs during the video, but come on.
R. Kelly: Speaking of peeing on people, R. Kelly both peed on someone and ended up going to court when one of the girls in his sex tape turned out to be underage. Don’t mind us, R. Kelly! We’ll just be over here, barfing forever! Does anyone know where we could get a good deal on buckets?
Dustin Diamond: There are so many things that make this video unsexy. For example, the fact that it’s Screech. Having Sex. On Camera. We also read that he gives his fellow performer a Dirty Sanchez, but our eyeballs dropped out and our hands fell off so we can never check and make sure. On a semi-related note, according to a first person account in Heeb magazine, women who sleep with Dustin Diamond can look forward to him yelling “Moo Goo Gai Pan” at the moment of climax. Whoops! We’re dying of insanity now. Sorry everyone! Thanks Screech!
[Photo: Getty Images]