No offense to Lena Dunham, but we think it’s Olivia Wilde is who really deserves millions of dollars to dole out humorous life advice in some kind of whimsical book of essays. The Tron actress has long been delightfully open about everything from her divorce to her…well, mainly her divorce, but she really presented the world with some news it could use onstage at last night’s These Girls event at Joe’s Pub in New York. Like how her “vagina died” at the end of her first marriage. Vulture was there and grabbed some of the most helpful tidbits from Wilde’s…well, we’re going to say lady advice rant. We imagine it was delivered as a rant:
On knowing your marriage is over: “And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”
On keeping the spark alive: “In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta!”
On avoiding infidelity: “I would like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure. That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.”
On trusting your instincts: “Sometimes your vagina dies. Then you know it’s time to go. There’s no reason to sacrifice your womanhood and femininity for some sort of weird feeling of responsibility to something that may not be right. I feel like far too many women do that.”
As if that wasn’t enough, did you know Olivia’s given name is Olivia Jane Cockburn? Glorious. Simply glorious. People everywhere need to hear Lady Cockburn’s words!
[Photo: Getty Images]