Justin Timberlake And Jessica Biel Got Married This Weekend And I Don’t Want To Talk About It

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Biel Timberlake Sad

Those broken hearts belong to me and the former members of ‘N Sync.

The evidence is in. According to every blog on the planet, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel (or JessiLake, as I will call them through my tears) are married. There’s an EXCLUSIVE photo spread coming to Ye Olde People magazine this week, but plenty of paparazzi got to eat take out ravioli while they sat around waiting to catch glimpses of the bridge and groom in southern Italy.

“It was magical,” said Timberlake, to People. “It was a fantasy,” Biel added.

“I imagine it was an OK wedding,” said this blogger, to no people in particular.

As I contemplated Timberlake not only being officially off the market, but on a path to being an actor and choosing to spend forever as half of the World’s Most Boring Duo, I cannot lie about being slightly upset. This was a man whose work I worshiped from the time I was 11 (“The ‘N Sync Years”) ALL THE WAY UNTIL I was 20 (Future Sex/Love GENIUS). Nine years of my short life spent loving Timberlake and all his talent and charms. Now I’m left with only memories, as Timberlake chooses a boring life of supporting roles in Rom-Coms and court-side seats with his new wife.

Wedding dress shots are imminent, but for now we have a shot of (assumedly!) one of the JessiLake guests having a little fun with the paparazzi [NSFW]:

Mystery Moon

If this had been a Male Butt, I would’ve immediately guessed Joey Fatone. But since this is a Female Butt, I imagine it could be any of JessiLake’s famous friends. Beverly Mitchell, Biel’s TV sister from 7th Heaven? This highly suspect site ranking Jessie’s BFFs says that Jessica’s best friend is indeed Adam Sandler. While I doubt that, he did play a woman in Jack & Jill, so this could be his butt. The investigation continues…

Either way, I wish them all the best.

Kinda.

[Photo: Splash News / Getty]