Let’s Break Down Which Is Crazier: The Bieber Penis Enlargement Lawsuit Or The Rihanna Herpes Suit?

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Justin Bieber And Rihanna Slapped With Lawsuits

Is it us, or are people getting more creative with the insane lawsuits they file against celebrities? We’re sure famous people have to fight unsubstantiated suits all the time, but lately these lawsuits have been elevated to an art form. Remember that amazing Kim Kardashian/Conrad Murray/Bernie Madoff mash-up lawsuit from this summer? Just today we got word that a lawsuit was filed against Justin Bieber for allegedly, um, stealing someone’s credit card to purchase a penis enlargement. Even with the knowledge that there is no way Justin needs to steal money for a penis enlargement (or anything else, for that matter), the suit is only as bizarre as the lawsuit Rihanna had filed against her today, which claims she allegedly, um, gave Chris Brown herpes. A fake Chris Brown. Even odder still, these two bizarre lawsuits have a lot in common. So much in common, in fact, that it’s genuinely hard to say which one is more insane. Let’s try to parse it out, shall we?

  • Random Location Filed
    Rihanna: Today’s suit against her was filed from the U.S. District Court in Tennessee.
    Justin: Michigan.
  • Fictitious Claimant
    Rihanna: Someone claiming to be Chris Brown requested a restraining order against RiRi.
    Justin: A man who says he’s Selena Gomez‘s father submitted the lawsuit. In both cases, the claimant is…almost certainly making all this ish up.
  • Amount Of Money Demanded
    Rihanna: $10 million for giving Fake Chris Brown herpes.
    Justin: At least $426.78 to cover insane fictional abortion fees.
  • Alleged Crime
    Rihanna: Giving Chris Brown herpes? We guess?
    Justin: Stealing an American Express card to pay for, among other things, an abortion and a “penis enlargement.”
  • STD Allegedly Passed On To A Fellow Celeb
    Rihanna: See above.
    Justin: Unknown, but apparently given to Selena Gomez.
  • Weird Xenophobic Detail:
    Rihanna: “I woke up with three blisters on my penis … this isn’t just a regular case of American herpes, this is a case of Herpes from Barbados, which is most likely lethal,” Riri’s suit declares.
    Justin: “Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug,” Justin’s suit asserts.
  • Most Insane Part Of Lawsuit:
    Rihanna: According to the suit, “When I threatened to file a lawsuit against her for not telling me she was infested with genital blisters she began to hit herself in the face and throw herself into walls just as Jim Carrey did in the movie Liar, Liar.” So…ostensibly Rihanna could use the Birthday Truth Spell defense in court? If this was a real thing and not just the ravings of a mad man?
    Justin: According to the suit, “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.” Call us crazy, but this seems like it should be part of a separate lawsuit.  Or several. Or in someone’s private fan fictional journal…

Winner: We thought these suits were neck and neck until we got to the Usher story in Bieber’s lawsuit. That really took the cake. The claimant also claims that Justin slept with Penelope Cruz, Ke$ha and Rihanna, and we appreciate any lawsuit that features a random assortment of celebs. Go big or go home, we like to say!

[Photo: Getty Images]