You know you’re in for it when a celebrity posts a rant entitled “THE LOST SACRED SCRIPTURES OF THE TRUE HOLY GRAIL.” Especially when that celebrity is Tila Tequila. And the rant is about the Illuminati and the “true Christmas story.” Lordy. While her website is now just a series of anti-Illuminati rants at this point, she kicked off the whole screed with a post entitled “DEAR ILLUMINATI F—S: I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.” Honestly, it’s gonna take you quite a while to get through the whole business, so let us highlight what we felt to be the most interesting tidbits to be learned from Tila’s musings.
- You can also refer to the Illumunati as The Others, and they’ll get it: “Please excuse my extremely explicit letter to “THE OTHERS” as I have had enough so I just wanted to tell you guys before you read further so please don’t get offended.”
- Tila is not down with the Armed Forces: “Ok let’s get ready for one, but only if YOU yourself participate and not act like a bunch of old, ugly, rich, evil COWARDS hiding while you send out our young, beautiful boys here in AMERICA and TRAIN THEM TO BE MURDERERS TRICKING THEM INTO THINKING THEY ARE FIGHTING FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND WHEN REALLY YOU A——S LIED TO EVERYONE!”
- Tila maybe didn’t realize we were going to read the whole rant: “SHOULD I TELL THEM ABOUT THE SUPER HUMANS THAT EXIST AND ALL OF THOSE EXPERIMENTS YOU DO ON THEM TO USE THEIR POWERS FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT? SHOULD I TELL THEM THAT IS WHY SO MANY “MISSING CHILDREN” POP UP EACH YEAR BECAUSE YOU SADISTIC F—- WERE THE ONES BEHIND IT??!” You don’t have to tell us, Tila! We’re right here, learning about it now!”
- Oh, it turns out the Illuminati are kind of aliens: “SO WHAT IF YOU ARE ALIEN HYBRID? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU OWN US! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE ARE ABOUT AT LEAST 100 DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALIEN HYBRIDS ON PLANET EARTH RIGHT NOW AND WE ARE ALL WAKING UP HONEY!”
- Tila might be some kind of ancient warrior destined to save us all: “I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW THAT WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU AND I HAVE BEEN ON THIS PLANET FOR A VERY LONG TIME!” and “SHALL I GO INTO TELLING THE PEOPLE HOW YOU KEPT WATCHING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE EVEN BEFORE I WAS BORN? AND INDEED YOU SENT THOSE 3 MAN MADE GREYS TO TRY TO SCARE ME AND PLOT SOME TYPE OF ARTIFICIAL ABDUCTION!”
- Just because the Illuminati are aliens, that doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes: “TRYING SOOOOO HARD TO STEAL MY SOUL! AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DID IT WHILE COURTENAY WAS RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!! SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU DID THAT NIGHT.”
- The earth is hollow and there’s a bunch of crazy stuff inside it: “BUT SHALL I TELL THE PEOPLE ABOUT THE ENTIRE CITY INSIDE THE HOLLOW EARTH???”
- That’s no moon: “SHALL I TELL THEM THAT THE SO CALLED “MOON” IS ACTUALLY WHERE SOME OF YOU STILL RESIDE TO WATCH OVER US, AND THE MOON IS ACTUALLY YOUR BASE.”
We. Knew. It.
[Photo: Getty Images]