Sometimes it’s hard to really know yourself, you know? Between disemboweling high school students, controlling adults with your mind and dragging children into an alternate dimension of pain, there usually aren’t enough hours in the day to spend any quality Me Time. This Halloween, however, it’s all about self-awareness. So take our Which Horror Movie Villain Are You? Quiz and keep track of your letter answers to learn a little something about yourself. We think it might be a very wise, very horrifying decision.
1) The school’s Halloween dance has arrived, and you’re the only one of your friends without a date. What do you do?
a) Just keep sharpening my butcher knives in the boiler room. You know how I do!
b) Float around the dance aimlessly, making everyone feel slightly uneasy. So…basically what I did when I was alive.
c) Kids don’t need dates, silly! I’ll just be at home eating candy, drawing chalk pentagrams above my parents’ bed.
d) Wait until the party goers investigate the odd thumping sound in the equipment room, then politely ask if I can “cut in.” You know, because my hands can turn into razor-sharp claws?
2) Your mom is really mad at you for staying out late, but you want to be able to go out this weekend. What do you do?
a) Remind my mom that she stayed out late when she was stalking Sidney Prescott too, then have a good laugh together. Then call Sidney because, hey, it’s been awhile.
b) Just stay in and watch TV because I don’t even want to deal with her. Plus I can suck that little girl in through the screen. “They’re here!” Haha, so cute!
c) That’s the best part of having a jackal for a mother. All that want to do is play! And do the Devil’s bidding!
d) Wait until she falls into a nether sleep, then sneak out through the drain in the middle school boys’ locker room. If I time it right, I can avoid my mom AND scare an asthmatic nerd!
3) You’re tired of wearing the same thing (read: your own face) for a Halloween costume every year. What do you wear this October 31 to shake things up?
a) Maybe a hockey mask or a fun fedora and striped sweater? Something classic.
b) Ohhhhh, maybe a sheet with eyes cut in it. With a fun print this time!
c) Whatever Go Diego Go wore in Diego’s Halloween.
d) Sexy Pokemon! Or a jumpsuit made of childrens’ nightmares. Ahhh, it’ll have to be a game time decision!
4) What’s your favorite track off the new Taylor Swift album?
b) “Holy Ground”
d) Whichever one is about Jake Gyllenhaal. Haha, just kidding! They’re all about Jake Gyllenhaal! Honestly I really only listen to screams.
5) The election is coming up! What are the issues that are most important to you?
a) Deficit cuts! Or, well, any kind of cuts, really.
b) Don’t even get me started on the death tax.
c) Education. I can’t seize control of all the world’s governments if I can’t even do my times tables!
d) Health scare. What? It’s health care? Oh, then none of them.
6) Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries: it seems like sexy vampires are still all the rage. How does that make you feel?
a) That’s the only downside to wearing a mask and billowing shroud. No one can see my super hot bod!
b) If you want to take about sexy, Marilyn Monroe AND James Dean are ghosts. That’s all I’m saying.
c) I’m not allowed to watch either of them…until I make my nanny fall asleep with my mind, that is. Too much kissing, not enough blood draining!
d) Unfortunately a TV does not float down here, so I’ve never seen either of them
7) You find out your crush just broke up with their girlfriend/boyfriend. What do you do?
a) Call them up and ask them if they like scary movies. Then panic and hang up like an idiot before they realize it’s me. Ugh, why do you always DO this to myself?
b) A subtle way to hint that I’m interested might be to make a clown doll come to life and rip them screaming from their beds. I don’t want them to think I’m desperate or something.
c) Ew, dating is gross! If I’m going to crush anyone, it’s going to be a priest and it’s going to be with a lightening rod that falls off a church.
d) Maybe invited them for a romantic deadlight-lit dinner down in the sewer where I live as a hideous spider monster. (I should mention that has never, ever worked.)
8) If you could pick any job…well, any other job in the world, what would it be?
a) You know those people who call you when your student loan payments are late? Oh yeah. Mwahahahaha!
b) The second there’s an opening in the banshee or hantu rya department, I am definitely going to apply.
c) Anything where I could wear an adorable little suit! And control the minds of the unwashed masses. So…the entertainment industry maybe?
9) Who would you consider your role model?
a) Norman Bates: the myth, the man, the legend.
b) Slimer! He can fit so many hot dogs in his mouth at once.
c) Regan MacNeil, Rhoda Penmark and pretty much all the kids from the Village of the Damned. They make play dates so much fun!
d) I know he technically came after me, but Carrot Top. For sure.
10) What would be your ideal vacation?
a) I’ve never taken a vacation! So…I guess a CutCo factory?
b) Hmmm, seeing Heaven would be nice. Though I do hear it’s a place where nothing ever happens…
c) I’d love to visit the Vatican, but unfortunately I would burst into flames in the ticket line. Plus, I get so cranky if I have to walk for too long!
d) A bus tour of New England’s most abandoned sewers and loneliest children! Hey, I know what I like.
Thanks for taking our quiz! Now to tally up your answers:
If you answered mostly As: You’re Ghostface from the Scream series! You’re charismatic, classic and, if you’re going to be honest with yourself, kind of a workaholic. Maybe you don’t always have “great reasons” for “going on a killing spree,” (Sidney’s mom slept with your dad? What?) but when you set your mind to a goal, you really give it your all. Remember to have fun sometimes! And see Cabin In The Woods, because if they make a Scream 5, you are going to have to get super meta with the scary movie tropes.
If you answered mostly Bs: You’re one of the Ghosts from Poltergeist! You’re fair, traditional and love kids. (Or hate kids. It’s kind of hard to tell sometime!) You like hanging out with your friends, sliding chairs across the kitchen floor or controlling people through the TV more than going out, but hosting a pool party might be the perfect way to get out of your rut. Sure, it would have been better if the construction company had moved you out of your rut themselves and given your remains a proper burial, but they didn’t and now they have to deal with the consequences!
If you answered mostly Cs: You’re Damien Thorn from The Omen! You’re clever, precocious, and sometimes downright mesmerizing! You’re young but act even younger…and completely evil. You’re used to getting what you want, but when you’re the son of Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, Dark Master of the Underworld, who can blame you? Still, sometimes you have to make concessions for other peo…Damien! Damien! Look at us, Damien! It’s all for you, Damien!
If you answered mostly Ds: You’re Pennywise the Dancing Clown from Stephen King’s It! You’re fun-loving, multifaceted and know what you like! You might be a werewolf one day, a mummy the next, and gallons blood burbling out of a sink Saturday, which can make it sort of difficult to stay true to yourself. Don’t cha want it? Don’t cha want it? That’s the question you’ll have to ask yourself if you want to wake up more than every 30 years or so. Send in the clowns, we always say. Or don’t. Please don’t.
If you didn’t have a majority of any letter: It’s just as the old crone foretold! Someone gather a holy book from every religion and meet back at the abandoned Dunkin’ Donuts at midnight! We might already be too late!
[Photos: Dimension Films/MGM/Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation/Green/Epstein Productions]