Let’s be honest: Everyone you know is already going as Honey Boo Boo. They got the Honey Boo Boos covered. What they don’t know (and what you and I know) is that the true star of Reality TV 2012 isn’t that little Mountain Dew-swilling moppet, but her larger than life mother, “Mama” June Shannon.
Which of course is why you’re going to be dressed as Mama come next week (or probably this Saturday. This mid-day holiday is throwing everybody off.) To be honest, I hesitated to suggest a budget Mama costume, as I didn’t want it to be insulting towards a human I genuinely like and respect. I want to pay her homage, not make her feel bad. You know what I mean? Then I realized: how many of us will ever be Halloween costumes? I don’t mean characters we spawned or memes we created. I mean actual, flesh-and-blood people. The answer is almost none. So save your Sexy Austin Powers and Sexy Jar Jar Binks for next year. Halloween 2012 is going to be All Mama’s Eve.
1) Find a big baggy T-shirt and pillow: $0
If you’re like me, chances are you have between one and 1,000 old T-shirts lying around that you periodically consider donating to Goodwill. Luckily you haven’t yet (the SalVo is just…it’s just so far way,) because I’m going to need you to stuff your pillow into the top of your pants under your shirt. If you don’t have a T-shirt or a pillow available to you…I don’t know, maybe work on that first before worrying about your costume?
2) Tease out your hair: $0 (or price of comb)
What with four daughters and a reality TV empire to run, it’s no wonder Mama doesn’t fuss to much over her hair. If you have curly hair you can just yank those locks back into a ponytail until they dry, but the rest of us will have to work for Mama-esque texture. Don’t judge. This is what Kris Jenner would look like if she were less vain.
3) Apply grey or silver temporary hair dye spray to roots: $4.00 plus tax at Ricky’s
Did I also mention Mama currently has an injured husband, a grandbaby and an extreme couponing habit to maintain? So forgive June if she has some roots. Spray in gray (or in this case silver since I can’t read good) to your hairline to add color.
4) Tuck. Dat. Neck: $0 (Minus the hospital bills you may accrue after spraining your neck muscles)
Mama’a signature look is something of a gigantic neck, which luckily you can create for free. Just tuck in your neck as hard as you possibly can. Note: this is most easily accomplished by someone who doesn’t really have a chin to begin with. If you are dealing with a chiseled Fassbender type face and can’t produce the necessary neck mass to look like Mama, please tweet me at @hallekiefer. We’ll come up with a solution. Maybe a flesh colored sock filled with packing peanuts tied to either ear? I’m just spit balling here.
5) Approach the world with an unflagging sense of self worth: $0
If Mama was cranky, you’d be cranky. If Mama was constantly crying, you’d be…you get where we’re going with this. Mama’s smile and belief in her offspring as important as that giant neck of hers. Well…almost as important. You can also put your hair in a tiny high pony for a more casual Mama look.
Bonus accessory: Sketti ($0 for spaghetti, ketchup and butter if you already have them; pennies on the dollar if you don’t!)
If you want to really commit to a bit (and have a warm snack to carry around in the cold), prepare some of Mama’s signature sketti to take along with you. If your T-shirt has a breast pocket, tuck a handful of sketti in there for later. Pour the pot in your purse! Get crazy with it!
And voila! You are Mama through and through, all for under $10. Your friends will barely redneck-gnize you!
[Photo: Splash News Online/Vh1.com]