This Thanksgiving, I’m Grateful For The Glistening Turkey That Is American Horror Story

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American Horror Story Asylum

When I join hands with my family this Thursday, I’m going to give thanks for a number of things: my friends, my health, the money VH1 Celebrity pays me to make jokes about things I would be reading on the Internet anyway and, most important, American Horror Story: Asylum. Why is AHS: Asylum so dear to my heart? Why, because it is everything I love in a grimy, spine-tingling package. AHS is a horror series, a slasher flick, an Exorcist knock-off, a mad scientist tale, a monster movie, a tragic romance and a platform for Evan Peters‘ butt all in one. It is a blood-soaked late-night soap opera drenched in dirty water and covered in electrodes, and I love it so.

But seriously, a large part of it is Evan Peters‘ butt.

Heyo! Either this offers some insight into my affection for AHS: Asylum or it doesn’t, but either way, you’re welcome. Same with my obsession with Jessica Lange. The ASH: Asylum season premiere featured her applying perfume to her decolletage in slow motion while wearing a nun’s habit and red lingerie. If this doesn’t appeal to you….my god, what kind of life do you lead?

Oh, and did I mention the aliens?

Just aliens! Running around an insane asylum! AHS: Asylum somehow manages to be both campy and completely self-serious in an extremely satisfying way, and, yes, maybe horrifying plot points occur and then aren’t mentioned again for episodes on end, whereas in life you would scream about them until the police lead you away in cuffs. But where else can I indulge my love of creepy Catholic imagery, JLang, aliens and man-butts? Very few other places. And if I find those other places, I will be grateful for them too. Plus I’ve got season three to look forward too! I’m going to predict that season three takes place in the future…with werewolves…and the Lock Ness monster. Happy Thanksgiving 3012, everyone!

[Photos: FX]