We already knew Sports Illustrated cover model Kate Upton was great at being the object of men’s fantasies — hello, “Cat Daddy.” But lately, she’s been getting pretty good at appealing to women too. There was the unicorn-baby video she shot over the summer that tapped into some kind of Jungian symbolism we sort of got. And now, courtesy of Vogue Germany and director Bruce Weber, she’s fulfilling a bunch of literal fantasies we women have had — and some we didn’t even know we had until now. Enjoy the sounds of Bobby Darin’s “It Had to Be You” as we count all the ways in which we’d like to be in Kate’s shoes/bare feet.
1. Very cute boy trusts us enough to let us groom him.
2. We playfully roll down a hill like little kids, except he’s shirtless. Oops! We might bump into each other!
3. Would you look at that? Now we have two boys to play with!
4. And one of them is an artsy photographer type, in addition to being very pretty.
5. We are so rich, we can roll around in the dirt in very fancy couture feathers.
6. We are very good at riding horses; better than our pretty male companions, who luckily do not injure themselves.
7. If we are asked to run around in a bikini, our boys will do the same. Equal opportunity!
8. And now we have THREE boys to play with. Hopefully, they’re not just interested in each other.
9. This is fantasy world, so that hay is not at all scratchy on our bare butts.
10. When we’re tired of playing with the boys, we have a handsome older man for fancy dress-up occasions. By the way, we are so rich that we are only with him for his handsomeness and conversation, not for his money.
11. All of these guys are so confident and worship us so much that they are never jealous of each other, nor do they get embarrassed when we make them play naughty Downton Abbey footman.
If Kate keeps making clips like this, we’ll never need to read another E.L. James novel again!