The 24-hour news cycle can be so cruel. The truth is there are certain stories that deserve to be mulled over. Savored like a fine toilet wine. Leonardo DiCaprio’s love of colonics is a great example. Today’s wonderful story is the rumor that Lindsay Lohan clogged all the toilets on the set of Scary Movie 5. All of them. All the toilets. We know stories like this fade as quickly as summer blossoms, which is a tragedy because we still have so, so many questions about it, like…
- No, seriously. What?
- How could Lindsay have clogged all those toilets? That seems literally impossible unless she was flushing Costco-sized packages of gym socks or something.
- Did the filmmakers behind Scary Movie 5 spring for some kind of off-brand low-flow toilets or something?
- According to TMZ, when Lindsay came to set “the trailer was a disaster — the shower and toilet were not working … and she had to do her biz in adjoining trailers.” Trailers with an s? Multiple adjoining trailers?
- Even more unbelievably, Lilo was apparently “told she would not get her full paycheck … to cover repair costs.” How much could the repair costs possibly have been? Were the toilets physically broken? How does one actually break a toilet, rather than just temporarily take it out of commission?
- Lindsay allegedly believes she was “framed” for all the broken toilets. Is that the funniest sentence anyone has ever written, or just the best?
- Has anyone else in the history of the world been framed for breaking multiple toilets? Cite your sources.
- Should we take the fact that Lindsay allegedly agreed to have “tens of thousands of bucks” eventually “deducted from her paycheck” as proof she actually did break all those toilets? How much do toilets even costs? How many toilets would Lindsay Lohan have to break in order to merit a paycheck deduction ranging into the tens of thousands of dollars? Please show your work.
It’s interesting that Lindsay Lohan rarely takes to Twitter to respond to criticisms; it seems like the perfect technology to say, “Hey guys, I definitely did not clog all the toilets on the Scary Movie 5 set.” Are we wrong about this? Yet another question that will probably go unanswered…