So folks at NASA and archaeologists and real news reporters are trying to tell everyone to simmer down about the apocalypse coming on December 21, because of science and stuff. But we’re beginning to suspect differently. Even if the Mayans themselves didn’t think the end of the 13th baktun (things we’ve learned this week!) didn’t actually meant the end of the world, we’ve noticed some signs that really, we should just give up and retreat to our bunkers right now. Let us count down our top 10:
10. Gossip Girl was Dan Humphrey all along! (And also, everyone on the island was dead!) Oof. The resolutions of series-long mysteries are never as good as we want them to be, probably much like the answers to life’s big questions. Bleh.
9. All the hip-hop greats are running corporations, starring on reality-TV shows or dating the stars of reality-TV shows. Not that they shouldn’t trade thug life for the good life, but did they have to sell their artistic souls in the process?
8. The Kardashians kontinue to rule all — while apparently preserving Kim’s dead kitten Mercy in a plexiglass container.
7. Fan fiction has become the next big thing in literary source material. There is literally nothing new under the sun anymore. Pack it in, mankind.
6. Justin Bieber, that shining paragon of kindness and light and swag, turned out to be a heartless pet owner and handed his new pet hamster, Pac, over to a fan last week. The hamster community is up in arms.
5. All the greats of the silver screen are either dead or talking to chairs.
2. Olivia Newton John and John Travolta inflicted this on us.
[Photos: Getty Images, Twitter, CW, Knopf Doubleday, Lionsgate, Sony]