It’s happening. The Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film reboot is happening; according to Production Weekly, the movie allegedly begins filming in New York this April. Seeing as how Bay and his screenwriters have already altered the Turtles’ origin story to make them aliens, it perturbed us to see that the films’ current title is Ninja Turtles. So are our beloved turtles are no longer mutant nor teenage? We fear change! Since we still have a little time before the movie begins shooting, we thought we would make clear what fove changes to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle canon we would find completely inexcusable. Mr. Bay, we know you are reading this, so please…listen to our plea.
- Don’t make April O’Neil sexy: We know you, Bay. Don’t you dare turn the Turtles’ only female friend into some kind of hotpants-wearing, motorcycle-straddling, one-dimensional bimbo. (Unless that dimension is Dimension X, in which case we will allow it.) In the comics April was a lover, a fighter, a computer programmer, an antique dealer, a journalist and, um, a living drawing. Now that we think about it…that would also make. her one-dimensional. You know what we’re trying to get at, Michael.
- Don’t make Splinter an alien: Why would the turtles learn to be ninjas if they didn’t have some kind of earthling sensei to teach them? What’s that? How would a bunch of alien turtles meet and communicate with a terrestrial karate rat? We don’t know, Michael Bay. You’re the one who decided the Turtles would be from space!
- Don’t change the Turtles’ personalities: Everyone knows that Leonard leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but crude and Michaelagelo is a party dude. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
- Don’t ignore Krang: Shredder was the main villain in two of the three ’90s TMNT movies. Isn’t it time Krang, the pink, squishy, malevolent extraterrestrial got a shot at the big screen? Actually, we’re betting that’s exactly what the screenwriters do. It would even help flesh out the whole ” mutant turtles from space” conceit!
- Dear God, they must love pizza!: We don’t know how alien reptiles would even process diary and gluten, let alone enjoy it, but still. Still.
[Photo: New Line Cinema]