Don’t Worry, Julia Roberts! This Red Carpet Escort’s Tell-All Reveals Only The Most Boring Scandals

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Celebrity Escort Writes Tell-All

Listen up, everybody. If you write a tell-all in this day and age, you had better bring it. Heck, Kris Jenner wrote a tell-all about herself in which she exposes her own infidelities. If you aren’t exposing someone’s love child or some Mommy Dearest-level insanity in your scandalous memoir, we are not even going to check it out from the library. It’s these high standards that made us so bummed to read about the “secrets” revealed in Christopher Gaida‘s new book Arm Candy: A Celebrity Escort’s Tales From The Red Carpet. Despite having escorted celebs to red-carpet events (entirely platonically, as we were saddened to find out) for fourteen years, some of Giada’s non-revelations include:

  • Helping calm down Megan Fox at the 2007 Teen Choice Awards when she allegedly “freaked out” backstage.
  • Walking three feet in front of Sharon Stone and not looking back per her request at the 1999 Vh1 Vogue Fashion Awards.
  • Perhaps most dauntingly of all, remaining calm while Julia Roberts yelled at him at the 2000 GQ Men of the Year Awards. When he meet Julia again ten years later, she apologized.

These…that’s the only…where…if you are at an awards show and there is alcohol, how is there no…we cannot even deal with the disappointing level of divaishness in these anecdotes! The man attended events with Stone, Fox, Roberts, Angelina Jolie, Cameron Diaz, and Jessica Alba and not one of those ladies put a cigarette out on his forehead or did meth out of her makeup case? Julia Roberts even apologized, for pete’s sake! We’re 100% positive that someone did something particularly rascally and Gaida just didn’t want to blow up their spot, but that’s just not going to cut it nowadays. We need the dirt or don’t bother cutting down the trees! It’s just a waste of paper!

[Photo: Getty Images]