How To Pee During The Red Carpet: 15 Answers To Questions You’ve Always Wondered About The Oscars

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Like most of us, I’ve often fantasized about attending the grand glittering spectacle known as the Academy Awards. But tragically I’ve been held back by my total lack of acting skills, directing skills, or any film-related talent whatsoever. Yet one day out of the clear blue sky I was given the once in a lifetime opportunity to gain access Hollywood’s ground zero. I was lucky, but getting the green-light was just the beginning. There were many many unexpected steps on the journey to the golden bald man. So if you ever find yourself married to Sandra Bullock and have to be her date to the Oscars, these are some logistics you will have to consider when turning your Oscar fantasy into a reality.

1. What The Hell Do You Wear?

“Who are you wearing?” You hear that phase uttered at least six thousand times on any given award ceremony pre-show. Obviously for a job like this, I knew that wardrobe was clutch. But really now, what does a 25-year-old dude who wears cowboy boots on the reg wear to the Oscars? I had no idea. With only two weeks to prep, I didn’t have much time. Should I go to a bespoke tailor? A high-end designer store? Hire a professional shopper? What would George Clooney do? Then it hit me.

I put in a call to Men’s Warehouse.

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Soon I was allowing a man with a tape measure to grope me in the middle of a room full of nervous teenagers, really nervous grooms, and proud moms. Then a very nice lady explained to me why a cane would make me look like a creep. She asked me to choose between three seemingly identical starched white shirts. Which of these would Clooney take? I closed my eyes and prayed I had chosen correctly. I didn’t want to look like my dad at his high school prom in 1973.