How To Pee During The Red Carpet: 15 Answers To Questions You’ve Always Wondered About The Oscars

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4. How Do You Wear A Tuxedo?

Boom, it’s the big day! Time to slam on some Beastie Boys, Abba and Wham, hit the shower and make yourself look sharp! But then it was time for another obstacle: Getting dressed.

One of the great myths about tuxedos is that it’s a magic garment that instantly transforms you into James Bond the moment you put it on. Instead I look like a game show host. Factor in this weird cummerbund thing and I appear to be a game show host with a back problem. Cufflinks, studs, pocket squares, suspenders…There are far too many moving parts on a tuxedo. How do you figure out all out?I spend a great deal of breakfast looking up “tux tutorials” on youtube. I’m sure Clooney does the same thing on Oscar morning.

5. What Time Do You Get To The Oscars?

The Academy wants you to be in place by 2 PM (the carpet opens at 2:30), so I assumed I could just easily walk from my hotel like yesterday. Right? Wrong. Very very wrong.

6. How Do You Get To The Oscars?

How do you get to the Academy Awards? No, it’s not practice practice practice. The formerly hoppin’ tourist street now looked like some post apocalyptic disaster movie. Everything is eerily still and empty. Sidewalks are all barricaded with high chain-link fences. Imposing concrete cubes block the roads, and LAPD cops line every corner. The sound of choppers circling above is deafening, and I half expect a rope to drop and a SWAT team to slide down and take me. It’s pretty scary.

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Designated parking areas are assigned in various local hotels. I assumed I’d have an easier time on foot. I thought wrong. Policemen send me on a round-about route, many blocks out of my way. Even with my badges, I go through several security check points, medal detectors, and bag searches. But finally I’m in. And I’m hungry.

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