Pretty Little Liars: “A Is For A-L-I-V-E” As Seen By Someone Who’s Never Seen The Show

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Pretty Little Liars is a super complicated show with a cultish fanbase, so naturally a person who’s never seen the show should recap the fourth season premiere. Let’s do this.

We start the episode with a recap of what’s happened before. It looks exciting. There are people coming back from the dead. People wearing hoods. People at a masquerade. There are 90 lbs girls pushing cars into large bodies of water. The word “bitch” is thrown around. This should be most enjoyable.

Okay, so now the episode.  Five pretty girls open a car trunk and are horrified to discover a dead pig, which only tells me as a new viewer that none of them has ever been to a pig roast. Someone named A has sent them via text what appears to be either a threat or a sext or both. Then the camera cuts back and only four pretty girls are standing there. The fifth, named Mona, is sitting in the car and this freaks the other four out. Mona does some computer whiz thing and claims to be saving one of their mothers.

Then, the girls hurry away to someone’s house. Oh, and I think the lead girls are Ashley Benson from Spring Breakers, Lucy Hale, the guy who produced Quantum Leap‘s daughter, and some girl who’s name on the show is Emily. The Mona girl is so not their friend. They threaten to beat Mona up and then Mona gets all weird and claims that the Emily girl used to be the weakest and then Mona made her strong. Mona is weird. Mona thinks she’s a Jedi Master.

Quantum Leap’s daughter suggests they play a game with Mona called “The Third Degree”. Mona starts confessing things about towers and massages. She was on a lot of meds. A lot of things are being floated so I feel like Anne Hathaway in The Devils Wears Prada after Meryl Streep gives her a list of important tasks and she’s all, “There was something about a pony!” Someone named CeCe is mentioned and a small part of me wishes I was watching New Girl.

Cut to morning. The girls don’t know if they fell asleep or were drugged, which I think means either they were drugged or they get drugged on such a regular basis they don’t know what natural sleep feels like anymore. Mona brings them their favorite coffee which I guess is nice, if not also creepy. Then Mona gets peer pressured into taking the girls to her lair.

En route to the lair, the girls pass by the crime scene where they found the dead pig. There’s also a conventionally attractive dead guy on the ground named Wheaton or Wharton. The girls are shocked. Also, the girls allude to the fact that A has framed them for Wharton College’s murder. They drive onwards to the lair.

(I can’t believe we’re only like five minutes into this show. More stuff has happened in five minutes than in all of the seasons of Mad Men.)

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