Pretty Little Liars: “Gamma Zeta Die!” Or Hanna Is The Dumbest

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This week on Pretty Little Liars was the stuff of my adolescent nightmares: scary sorority parties, college admissions, people were trapped in cars with bees, a skirt made out of ties and someone was seen with hideously shorn hair! That all said, I really quite liked it, even if my beloved parrot didn’t show up. Let’s get to it!

Hanna has a nightmare, so she runs off to her mommy. Only her mom suddenly reveals that she’s in prison garb and all her hair has been shorn off in a really unflattering way. She and Hanna both give blood curdling screams because this is another nightmare and the nightmare is that Hanna’s mom’s hair looks terrible.

Just joshing. The nightmare is that her mother is a sociopath and a murderer with terrible hair.

Spencer Tracy’s mom gives her a catalog of fancy schools that aren’t Spencer Tracy’s dream school and lays out a plan to pretty Spencer up with the help of a college pageant coach. Spencer Tracy doesn’t want to be “pimped out” to Ivy League schools, which just shows she might not be as smart as she thinks she is.

Emily’s dad is back from the army, so he wants to make her breakfast and stuff and talk to her like a dad. He gathers that she wants to go to Stanford and that they’re too poor for it. Emily’s dad says he’ll do anything he can to help her, but the music is ominous, so I assume he’s going to rob a bank or murder someone.

Back at the high school, we find out that they’re going on college visits. The girls don’t care about this because they like talking about murder plots. At some point, though, poor girl Emily hears Spencer Tracy griping about her rich girl Ivy League pimp and points out politely that most people in the world would love an opportunity for social advancement through higher learning, but this thread is dropped because the girls have a mystery to unravel.