Free Spirits And Fake Baby Bumps: The Bachelor Contestants By The Numbers

|

The Bachelor Season 18 Juan Pablo

ABC’s The Bachelor kicked off its 18th season last night with the spiciest piece of man candy yet. Juan Pablo Galavis, a former soccer player and father to adorable four-year-old daughter Camila, has an honest face, a hot body and an accent that will somehow make the devastating heartbreak he plans to inflict on 26 of the 27 women vying for his heart a little easier to bear.

That’s right, there are 27 contestants this season–two more than the typical allotment–because┬áSe├▒or Galavais is muy sexy. After seeing him get shot down by Desiree on The Bachelorette, an abundance of eligible women frantically started filing applications to ABC and ranting about “how much they have in common” with the single dad. The first episode of each Bachelor season allows us to judge each contestant based on the most basic of information: name, occupation, age and hometown, as well as how they choose to introduce themselves to their potential destiny and whether or not they’re aggressive when it comes to securing “one-on-one” time. So who’s full of promise and who’s just full of it? Read on for our initial take on the Season 18 contenders. We’re not here to make friends, folks, so leave your feelings at the door.

The Bachelor Season 18

“Occupations” That Are Really Just Code Words For Being Unemployed: 3

Between Cassandra, a 21-year-old “former NBA dancer,” Kelly, a “dog lover” and a Lucy the (barefoot!) “free spirit,” Juan Pablo has at least three contestants who wouldn’t mind if he picked up the check on their first date, and… for as long as they both shall live. We have nothing against basketball, canines or flower children, but these choice IDs will inevitably lead to ridicule for the remainder of the season. We guess they can’t all be Mineral Coordinators, but did we mention Kelly brought her dog Molly (to the introduction, cocktail party AND the rose ceremony) and Lucy stuck her dirty shoeless feet on JP’s lap? Patience is obviously his virtue.

Floridians Vying For the Heart of a Sexy Miami Resident: 4

Juan Pablo was born in the States and raised in Venezuela, but now resides and works in Miami, Florida. At least four of these women will use geographic proximity to their advantage (“This is so great! I don’t have to move!” or “It’s so funny we haven’t bumped in to each other at that Starbucks before!”) while pursuing the man of their dreams. Because why move across the country for someone you met on a reality show, when you can just as easily sleep in your own bed?

Women Who List The Notebook As Their Favorite Movie: 5

We suppose Nicholas Sparks and the idea that you can find everlasting love on television go hand in hand.