Posts By Adam Winer

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Heidi Montag’s Video: Now With Intentional Humor!

To film the music video for her first single “Higher,” Hills super-mega-kinda-star Heidi Montag went to the beach with nothing but her skeezy boyfriend, a cheap camcorder and her new breasts. It’s been a little over a week since that video debuted, and the reviews are unanimous: It is terrible. Unspeakably terrible. The vocals would not sound more computerized if they were done by Stephen Hawking. And his dancing ability would be about the same too. That being said, we cannot stop watching it. And we’d like to share our thoughts on every exquisite moment with you.

If only VH1 had some sort of pre-existing format for making jokes pop up in the video. Hmmm… can’t think of one. So might as well create our own: We’ll call it Bubble Up Video! We’ve got a feeling this format may catch on…


IF THE VIDEO WON’T PLAY:
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Find Things In Erykah Badu’s Hair!

They’ve released the cover for Erykah Badu’s next album New Amerykah, and it is clearly the best illustration to grace an album cover since Van Halen had an angel working its way through two packs of Newports. I mean, just check out all that tiny stuff in Erykah’s hair!

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Doesn’t it kind of remind you of Highlights magazine from when you were a kid, and you had to find all the stuff hidden inside a big picture?

It’s Friday and none of us particularly want to do real work, so let’s go retro and play the game with this album cover. Find all of the following in Erykah’s hair:

1. Crime-scene outline of a dead body
2. A Big Mac and large fries
3. That freaky eye in a pyramid from the back of a $1 bill
4. Fetus with what looks to be a bar code on its soft skull
5. Abu Ghraib torture victim
5. PlayStation controller
6. Cops beating a dude with night sticks
7. Erykah’s name
8. Katrina victim
9. Drug pipe
10. Waldo

JK, guys! Waldo’s not really in there! But everything else is. Follow the jump for the answers.

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Introducing John From WKRP In Cincinnati

HBO has decided not to renew John From Cincinnati, which makes you wonder: Where did über-creator David Milch go wrong? The sluggish pacing, the incomprehensible plot, the maddening dialogue? No, no. Good guesses, though. The real problem is that America already has a favorite John from Cincinnati: Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP in Cincinnati, which was surely one of the finest radio station-based sitcoms 1978 had to offer. It was like the NewsRadio of its day. And remember that theme song? Don’t even get us started on that theme song.

So we put together the below opening credit sequence, showing Milch how he could have done this whole thing better. May we present: John From WKRP in Cincinnati. It surely would have been the finest supernatural surfing workplace comedy on television. Note to HBO: We can make this happen. Call us.

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Best of the Best Week Ever

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  • With their covershot of Britney Spears “topless, drunk and lonely” with a college student, US Weekly shows why they’re America’s most revered journalistic institution.
  • Lindsay Lohan heads to Sundance about six months too late for the film festival–but so the trip isn’t a complete waste, she figures she’ll just hang out in the rehab center there for a while.
  • On The Jimmy Kimmel Show, Tay Zonday performed “Chocolate Rain” and left the audience stunned by the power of his Hershey monsoon.
  • Surrounded by cameras recording every word you utter from multiple angles? That doesn’t stop a Big Brother contestant from breaking out the anti-semitism!
  • Roseanne Barr vies to create a blog that’s as batsh*t crazy as Rosie O’Donnell’s.
  • And Jason Bourne is brought down–by a baby!

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Will Forte’s Dead Granny Wants You To See His New Movie

In the new plug for Will Forte’s upcoming movie The Brothers Solomon, we’re treated to the site of his grandma eating a pineapple sunday and imploring us to go see her grandson’s new movie. Funny? Kinda. But nothing particularly remarkable. But then you read a news report on the clip that reveals one startling fact: Granny’s now dead! So, um, you should all probably go see the movie. It seems like it was probably one of her final wishes.

Will Forte’s Grandma On Sundaes

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BWE Sports: Honoring The Baseball Mustache

Hernandez.jpgWhile everyone was getting worked up about all the baseball records being set over the course of the past week, one very important award was widely overlooked: Keith Hernandez’s lip fuzz was named the Top Sports Mustache of All Time by the American Mustache Insitute. This was a controversial decision, with many ‘stache aficionados believing the honor should have gone to Rollie Fingers. But whichever side of this raging debate you personally fall on, I’m sure everyone reading this can agree on one thing: There aren’t nearly enough awesome mustaches in baseball anymore.

To show you how much better our national pastime would be if players just grew bigger mustaches, I’ve run a couple of player pictures through this fun little widget that lets you put mustaches on their faces. It’s called Mustachr, and it’s pretty damn fun. Click on over to deface pictures of your friends. Or check out my attempts at mustaching ball players after the jump.

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Trailer Mix: Steve Carrell Makes a Hot Stack

Carrellposter1.jpgThere’s a new poster (Get it real big at Coming Soon) and a new trailer (Get it real high-def at Apple) out for Steve Carrell’s next movie, Dan in Real Life. The poster’s kinda fun with Steve Carrell lying on a pancake pillow. He looks oddly unfazed for someone who must be getting an earful of Aunt Jemima. IHOP needs to look into sponsorship opportunities.

The movie itself looks like it will give you a warm feeling in your heart from its depiction of a loving family rather than a warm feeling in your pants from having peed yourself from laughing. Still, there’s something to be said for those kinds of movies. The only real warning sign is the presence of Dane Cook. But frankly, I’m willing to give Dane a shot here. He’s an atrocious comedian, but I bet he could actually be a fairly likable person on screen if someone else told him what to say. I guess we’ll have to wait till October to see for sure.

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How Hollywood Will Ruin Voltron

Voltron2.jpgWhen I frist read the news that the success of Transformers had convinced Hollywood to greenlighting a film version of Voltron, I was totally psyched. After Transformers, Voltron was hands down the second best Animated Giant Fighting Robot Toy Commercial on TV. (Suck it Robotech!) But my joy soon turned to depression, as I realized that Hollywood would ruin this movie just as surely as it’s ruined many of its adaptions in the past. To give you a clue of how they’ll do this, I’ve put together this Voltron casting sheet from Hell.

Don’t laugh. The joke here is that most of these things could happen.

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Keith played by Nic Cage
Despite the fact that he’s way too old for the role and just generally sucks, producers cast Cage. Their thinking? “He has a Superman tattoo and named his son Kal-El! He’d bring such passion to a movie like this! Plus, he opens huge overseas.”

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Lance played by Zac Efron
Have you seen the numbers for High School Musical? Get him in here!

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Hunk played by Carlos Mencia
Mencia is hired to make the cast ethnically diverse and also add comic relief. The news devastates the man who would have been the studio’s leading choice if they’d gone with a white guy: Jim Belushi.

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…OF THE DAY

BobbyWhitney1.jpgKODAK MOMENT: TMZ snagged this photo to the right, which was taken at Joe’s Crab Shack in Alpharetta, GA. It is either proof that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are back together or that Bobby has begun dating transvestites. Jury’s still out. (TMZ)

CASTING NEWS: It looks like Chris Noth, aka Mr. Big, will indeed be in the upcoming Sex and the City film. In related news, I still don’t care about this movie. (TV Guide)

GAME PLAN: How do you go from being a nobody d-bag to a D-list d-bag? Follow the carefully calculated path of Hills reality star Spencer Pratt. He’s become barely famous for being barely human–and with help from this article, now you can too! (Radar)

MISSED OPPORTUNITY: The evening before marrying Rebecca Romijn, former Kangaroo Jack star Jerry O’Connell was so nervous he joked about fleeing to Mexico. Unfortunately for Rebecca, he stayed and got married. (Starpulse)

DISMOUNT: Stephen Baldwin tried to last 8 seconds on Ty Murray’s Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge. Instead, the bull easily tossed him in less than two. And Lil’ Baldwin broke both a shoulder and rib in the tumble. At least the disability now gives Stephen a reason why he’s not going out and getting work. (TMZ has the footage)