Posts By AlexBlagg

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The Alex Blagg Goodbye Post Toast

alexgoodbye1.jpgSo this is it, guys – Blagg Friday. After almost three years and god knows how many posts about insane YouTube videos, celebrity meltdowns and my own mindless drivel, my tenure at this website is hereby concluded with this one last broadcast. We’ve officially reached the end of the Alex Blagg Guided Tour of the Whole Internet, so I hope you all enjoyed yourselves as much as I did. Anyone who would like a refund can send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the Vh1 Department of Original Programming – you’ll receive your complimentary DVD copy of Celebracadabra: Season 0.25 in 5-10 business days. The rest of you, what say we raise our glasses and toast all the good times we had?

To all the total lunatics, whoever you are, who had the courage to videotape yourself doing something unspeakably idiotic, then upload that video to YouTube for the whole world to laugh at. You’re the oil that keeps this old Internet a’runnin’.

To one-time Ultimate Fighting Champion Quentin “Rampage” Jackson, whose complete lack of understanding of the concept of a “comedy bit” nearly got me killed.

To InTouch Weekly, for being so kind as to somewhat regularly include my half-baked hungover While You Were one-liners in your back pages alongside the likes of Conan, Kimmel and Leno. Especially Leno. I can’t tell you how proud this made my mother.

n500441833_766092_2495.jpgTo all the blogs and the blogging bloggers who blog them, you’ll always have a link…to my heart. (Except for TMZ – you’re seriously the worst.)

To all the nice people who pointed out my various typos and grammatical errors. Your the best.

To Awesomely Funny Top 10 Lists, may I never have to write another one of you for a long time.

To the motherf*cking LaBeouf, for being the beautiful, terrible, adorable, awful, brilliant, complex, and utterly intoxicating being that you are. I hate you so much I love you.

To Dane Cook, for sending me the Greatest MySpace Message of My Life. It would have been even better had comedian Louis CK not already sent me the same message first, and funnier.

To The Hills, for keeping it so real.

To Ellen Page, for not stealing my Webby.

To Ross, for inspiring me to teach everyone how not to kiss.

To the Sexman, may you keep plugging away, little buddy.

To NBC, for keeping Friday Night Lights on the air, even though we, being a Vh1 blog, would never endorse or support any TV show on a competing network in any kind of official capacity, of course.

To the great beard enthusiasts who have come before me, may your faces stay furry.

To Michael Showalter, who utterly destroyed me in our blog-off.

To People Magazine, whose cover has become an forum for all people – even wizards – to proudly announce their homosexuality to the world.

To Tony Danza, for teaching me to bring your A-game every single day.

n696206411_412575_4696.jpgTo Britney/Lindsay/Paris, good job on finally getting your sh*t relatively together. When I get to LA, I will make it my mission to erect a giant Mount Rushmore-like silicon statue in your honor right outside of Hyde Nightclub.

To Jared Leto, for existing.

To the makers of completely insane television, keep it up.

To The Hoff, for hoffing your hoff hoff.

To Sanjaya, for single-handedly bringing about the end of the American Idol phenomenon.

To Viacom, whose “tough love” style of no-frills corporate parenting ultimately made me a leaner, meaner, angrier blogger. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, or with benefits.

To everyone at Vh1 and MTVN Digital Programming, keep your grubby hands off Frank Stallone’s veggie tray.

To the Best Week Ever producers, panelists and staff – getting to hang around you guys and maybe, sometimes, in some small way, help make funny television has truly been a dream job.

To Fred Graver, for creating BWE.tv, giving me the honor of being a part of it, and working so hard to make The Man understand that a corporate blog doesn’t have to read like a corporate blog.

To the BWE.tv Staff – I’m proud to have worked alongside all of you, and most of all, proud of what we’ve managed to accomplish.

To Bob Castrone, Piper Weiss, Michelle Collins, Dan Hopper and Sara Schaefer – I’m lucky to have written this thing with such a smart, funny, talented group of people, all of whom I’ve come to hold dear as friends. You are all my True LaBeouf.

And finally, to all of you, dear readers, for whom I have had the privilege of spending each work day with these last few years. Your time, attention, comments (even the bad ones, which to be honest, were always my favorite) and support has been, and continues to be, invaluable to me. Thank you so much.

Phew, that was a long toast. I hope no one was actually drinking to this, because you’d be wasted right now. I’m gonna go ahead and hit “Publish” and get on out of here, so hopefully I’ll be seeing you again soon. My new project at MSN.com is still a few months away from launching, but in the meantime you can all keep up with me at AlexBlagg.com (pretty snazzy, right?).

Firecrotch.

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ICYMI: Debate Focus Group Lady Has Hard Time Focusing

Our pals at Videogum caught this priceless moment from a focus group during CNN’s aggressively overblown coverage of last night’s Vice Presidential debate. Basically this Sarah Palin supporter lady (who looks and sounds like an absurd Kristen Wiig character from SNL) unintentionally provides us all with a living metaphor for this whole insane election by delivering a totally incomprehensible explanation for why she supports Palin, then getting confused and raising her hand to support Obama winning the election. The only difference between this lady and a pitbull is that this lady might be mentally retarded.

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CAPTION THIS: I’m Gonna Miss You The Most, Brooke Hogan

You know those people who manage to effortlessly look so put together all the time? Like each little detail about them operates in perfect harmony with everything else, so it seems as if literally every fiber of their being has been woven together into a beautiful tapestry of perfection by the very hand of God? That’s how I feel about Brooke Hogan when I look at this picture. Looking this good really isn’t fair to the rest of us.

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(via ONTD)

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AD WIZARDS: Dan Aykroyd and the Vodka of the Crystal Skull

Do you ever find yourself wondering, “Heeeyyy, I wonder whatever happened to Dan Aykroyd?” Well I’ll tell you what happened: he’s apparently spent the last twenty years or so holed up with a bunch of conspiracy theorists, guzzling vodka out of human-skull shaped crystal bottles, and blowing his Ghostbusters royalties checks on his dogged pursuit of proving that the plot to last summer’s ridiculous Indiana Jones sequel is actually true. It appears that he plans to accomplish this through his new line of hand-crafted vodka that comes in said skull-shaped bottles. I have no idea. The man has clearly lost his sh*t. This is basically like watching some lunatic ranting about Roswell while walking naked through the streets, except with higher production value and, you know, clothes. There’s a whole series of these inexplicable videos over at Crystal Head Vodka HQ – I dare you to try understanding what the hell is going on here.

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…OF THE DAY

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  • FIRST LOOK: Hustler is filming a porno featuring a Sarah Palin look-alike. Here’s a hilarious first look at the script for “Riding Pipeline”. (Radar)
  • HIPPIE HUNT: Zach Galifianakis lives out my lifelong dream of riding around Bonnaroo in golf cart and punching people in the balls. (CC Insider)
  • SPAM FILTER: Even e-mail spam is entertaining when it’s being read by John Hodgman. (BoingBoing)
  • DISAPPROVAL RATING: Dave Letterman scores how well George W. Bush did during his presidency. Spoiler alert: not well. (Paul Scheer)
  • SHUT UP: Jessica Alba dresses up like Hannibal Lecter for Obama? Just stop, Hollywood. You’re not helping anything. (Defamer)

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DIDDEO: In Which Diddy Tells Us His Sarah Palin Ghost Story

Today is a wonderful day, friends, for our fearless leader Diddy has regaled us with internet video once again, this time turning in his take on terrifying tale of Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric. As if the interview wasn’t frightening enough of its own, Diddy goes the extra distance with some creepy special effects (namely the flashlight he’s shining in his face whilst hiding under a sheet) and an inspired bit of Blair Witch-like desperate pleading and screaming at the end of the video. So turn off the lights, huddle up in a blanket, and here his nightmarish tale! Or are you afraid of the Diddy?

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CAPTION THIS: Garbage Palin

This settles it, until Joe Biden has been adequately realized on a Garbage Pail Kid card, I’m officially voting for Sarah Palin for president. Also, they should seriously bring back Garbage Pail Kids. (via Catbird)

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VIDEO HITS ONE: Cool Fan-Made Radiohead Video

Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke posted this fan-made video for the song “Reckoner” (my favorite from the last album) to the band’s blog Dead Air Space (via Stereogum) and announced that they’d selected this as the “official video” for the song, which makes sense, because it’s pretty effing cool. I guess this means I should abandon my own plans for a video submission in which I was going to film myself taking a bubble bath in super slow-motion.

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…OF THE DAY

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  • JOB MARKET: Here are 11 potential future employment opportunities for George W. Bush when he leaves office. Personally, I’m hoping he becomes a Dog-like Bounty Hunter. (Holy Taco)
  • TALENT SHOW: If Sarah Palin is elected Vice President and our country is unexpectedly besieged by a giant herd of bloodthirsty moose, at least we know she’s capable of soothing them to sleep with her flute. (Urlesque)
  • L’IL BILL: You know, if Bill O’Reilly were an adorable little kid, he really wouldn’t be all that bad. Especially if he just yelled “F*ck it, we’ll DO IT LIVE!” all the time. (Videogum)
  • FINALLY: Speaking of Papa Bear, after all these years, Bill O’Reilly lets us know how HE would have wrapped up the series finale of Seinfeld. With bloopers! (The Hater)
  • KABOOM: Director Michael Bay’s Twitter site is undoubtedly the most action-packed, rock-em-sock-em T&A-filled micro-blogging this side of a exploding comet headed towards earth. (Michael Bay’s Twitter)