Posts By AlexBlagg

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AD WIZARDS: You Guys Should Unbutton My Beast

Levi’s Jeans, having decided that the best way to sell their wares is with a campaign that encourages the consumer to “Unbutton Your Beast”, which is really a euphemism for penises, thus showcasing the c*ck-holding capabilities of their pants. Seriously, these pants are really good at keeping penises restrained, due much in part to their patented Button Fly technologies. Anyway, to demonstrate this, I invite you all to meet my own beast, who has been hiding in his Levi 501′s for months now and he has A LOT to tell you. He also really needs some berry soda. Click the link or image below to meet my beast, Sock Nasty. Language NSFW. Feel free to create and post your own beast messages in the comments.

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ICYMI: T-Pain Vs. The Vocoder

I’ve only listened to a few T-Pain songs, but basically it sounds like a singing robot smoking a blunt while trying to talk some shorty into having sex with him. It’s awesome. Anyway, you can’t really listen to this without wondering what exactly goes into T-Pain’s creative collaborations with his trusty vocoder, which is the electronic instrument that allows him to sound like said robot. Luckily, the folks at FunnyOrDie bring us this intimate glimpse of T-Pain in the recording studio, where we gain some insight into who really wears the shiny gold pants in that relationship.

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Was 2006 The Apex Of The Viral Video? Nope.

Our friends over at Videogum, being the Internet video experts they are, have posited the question: Was 2006 the Golden Age Of Viral Videos? They’ve amassed a compelling body of evidence to make their case, pointing out that some of the very best and most memorable examples of viral video were indeed created and posted to the Internet in 2006. But as solid as their theory may be, I will now blow it out of the water entirely, because I’m a d*ck. You see, 31 days after the conclusion of 2006, on the last day of January in the following year, the following video appeared on YouTube, thereby rendering all that came before it worthless by comparison. Ladies and gentlemen, the TRUE high point of the Viral Video phenomenon:

(Okay, I just had to post this one more time before I left.)

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…OF THE DAY

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  • GOOD GORDEED: Hey, Heidi and Spencer ate some crappy Taco Bell for charity publicity charicity! (ONTD)
  • LAUGH MEDICINE: Some kind soul at SNL put up the precise vintage parody ad that our crumbling economy needed right now. It’s even got Alec Baldwin! (Videogum)
  • HOT TUB: I don’t really know what this post or video is about, but the first 30 seconds of steak and eggs with William Shatner is undoubtedly worth the price of admission. (StreetCarnage)
  • EDUTAINMENT: Yay, a new Drunk History – this time with William Henry Harrison! (Buzzfeed)
  • NO JOKE: Just a good old fashioned radio interview with comedy genius Louis CK over at The Sound of Young America. (Maximum Fun)

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Is Chuck Bass Our Generation’s Charles Bukowski?

bassbukowski.jpgLast night on Gossip Girl, when Dan Humphrey’s craggy old writing mentor suggested his work would be improved by some personal recklessness, such as the time in the mentor’s own youth when “Charles Bukowski blew a shot glass off the top of his head with a .45″, Dan sought out similar inspiration in the most unlikely of places: Chuck Bass. This made me laugh because, well, how completely ridiculous. But the more I started thinking about this “Chuck Basskowski” parallel, the more I began to see some striking similarities in two personalities that – on the surface – couldn’t seem more different.

In terms of social circles, Bukowski and Bass are about as far apart as two people can get. Bukowski wallowed in the poorest of white American squalor, while Bass was born into the wealthiest of blue-blooded privilege that one could possibly fathom. But the thing about circles is, as you move further and further away from one point, you only get closer to it. These two people may have looked different, but they were also paradoxically the same. While Bukowski was known as the “poet laureate of skid row”, perhaps we could interpret the Upper East Side – with its own kind of junkies and depravity and economic meltdowns – as a different kind of urban ghetto, and maybe Chuck Bass is it’s poet.

Nihilism, self-aware self-destruction, and a deep-seated parental hatred are all traits that define both Bass and Bukowski. Both men fed on women. While Bukowski delighted in pointless bar brawls, Bass enjoys arbitrary emotional brutalization. They could both usually be found drinking alone, and both were undoubtedly most comfortable in their own filth.

Bukowski’s pockmarked face and crude, belligerent manner would never be palatable to the 18-34 demo these days, which is what makes Bass the perfect upgrade for the Hills-driven Reality Age. He operates with the same moral vacuousness, anarchistic spirit and profound disregard for commonly accepted values and decency as Bukowski, but he’s also got a smooth baby’s face, pretty smile, and a soothing voice that doesn’t sound like Tom Waits gargling with gravel. In the future, Charles Bukowski may be forgotten altogether, with misguided college kids instead doing terrible things to themselves under the banner of Charles Bass.

I guess the most glaring difference between these two characters (other than one of them being a work of fiction, of course) would be Chuck Bass’ utter lack of interest in writing or propagating his own myth through literature, whereas Bukowski lived and died by the pen. But who reads (much less writes) anymore, anyway? So I guess it’s sort of perfect that the sad tale of Charlie Trout will still be told, albeit by literary wunderkind Dan Humphrey. And of course, (xoxo) Gossip Girl.

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What Your Wacky USB Drive Says About You

USB flash drive manufacturers are matched only by the creators of pot-smoking paraphernalia in their dogged pursuit of creating clever little ways to disguise the functional purpose of their products, while also personalizing them for literally all manner of ridiculous people. We’re going to take a look at 14 of the wackiest USB drives out there and speculate what they actually tell us about the people who would use them.

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Designer Purse Drives – You need to understand that drinking cosmos alone and repeatedly asking the other members of the “Sex and the City Girls” chat room why men never call you is not going to make men call you.

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The Swarovski Bling Drive – You want people to understand how rich and successful of a rapper you are whenever they look at the back of your computer.

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Bible Earrings Flash Drive – You’re running for Vice President of the United States.

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Livestrong Bracelet Drive – You prefer to express your personal values, and store your personal data, with rubber wrist jewelry.

Read more…

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CAPTION THIS: Butch and Butcher

Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest yesterday, having a little lunch among friends. I wish they weren’t both so super-straight, because they’d really make a pretty adorable couple.

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(via BuzzFoto)

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…OF THE DAY

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  • SEQUEL OF DOOM: The Eagle Eye writing team is apparently working on a sequel to sci-fi classic Blade Runner. In the film, Harrison Ford will play an aging Blade Runner who – along with the help of a wise-assed sidekick who is also his son, played by Shia LaBeouf – must come out of retirement to hunt down some more replicants, which actually turn out to be aliens in the end. (/Film)
  • SPEAKING OF SEQUELS: Even after the giant evil monster painting and river of pink sludge that could only be stopped by playing “Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher” from the head of a mobile Statue of Liberty, Bill Murray says he ain’t afraid of no Ghostbusters 3. (Vulture)
  • FRIEND REQUEST: A funny parody, or was Sarah Palin’s Facebook page actually hacked? The lines between satire and reality have never been so blurry. (Holy Taco)
  • BURNING QUESTIONS: Is the celebrity sex tape the reason we’re all watching America burn? And will Britney Spears‘ rumored tape trumpet the final horseman of the apocalypse? Is the scummy paparazzi she used to date that horseman? No matter what, gross. (Gawker)
  • FUTURE BOOK DEAL: Hey, a new blog where they post people’s old notes from high school! (Notes On High School)

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BWE FULL EPISODE: We’re Suspending Pop Culture Until This Pop Culture Crisis Ends

Did you guys spend the whole weekend like I did, building a home-made bomb shelter while watching our economy collapse and crying? If so, you might have missed a hilarious new episode of Best Week Ever. Luckily for you, the whole Internet hasn’t blown up yet, which means we can still post the whole show, right here, for free. So put on your headphones, pretend to work, and let Paul F. Tompkins and company take you to the happy place.

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AD WIZARDS: Have You Found “Serenity By Jan”?

serenityjan.JPGHoly ess, I had no idea that the entire line of Serenity By Jan scented candles – as seen on The Office (and some little girl’s wake) – is on the web and available for purchase. Browse aromatic and illuminating wonders such as “Merlot Morning”, “Bottled Water” and of course “Hunter Green”, which are described as having a “youthful, firm scent” that “will leave your mouth watering”. Sounds…intoxicating (and I simply love that stock photo). But don’t take mine and Jan’s word for it! Check out some of the testimonials: “Love ‘em. One smell of Merlot Morning and I’m back at my Frat pad getting tipsy on boxed wine. Awesome!” says Andy B. And according to Meredith P., “Men hate making love with the lights on so I light up one of Jan’s candles to make them feel more comfortable, and so I can see if they’re being responsible ;)”. And the Serenity For Jan love doesn’t stop there, because these candles are already wafting their way into pop culture. Take these lyrics from The Hunted’s upcoming single “Light My Wick”: “…Sweet Serenity who’s / Intoxicating brews / My aroma muse / Rid my olfactory blues!”

Everyone is simply crazy for these candles! Act now and order yours today.