Posts By AlexBlagg

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While You Were Having a Slow Celebrity News Day

  • Kevin Federline says he’s ready for the backlash his forthcoming rap album will inevitably cause.  Meanwhile, critics, bloggers and comedians across the country are still getting all lubed up. Olsens_3
  • Cameron Diaz was almost maimed by a bird that flew threw the windshield of her limo.  Those paparazzi sure are getting creative!
  • According to his brother, R. Kelly can add "wife-beating bisexual" to his already impressive resume of "sex-addicted pedophile scatalogical weirdo". 
  • Page Six says that rap mogul Damon Dash taught a frightening lesson to some neighborhood bullies that stole his son’s cell phone.  In other news, Suge Knight gunned down a fourth-grader for cutting in front of his son in the lunch line.
  • The Olsen Twins are going from BoHo to "BoHoly shit, what are you doing?"

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CINEMA’S GOLDEN ERA: Weekend Box Office Results

Here are the top five films people paid their hard-earned money to see this week:
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1.  Hollywood’s Latest Attempt to Capitalize on the Popularity of "March of the Penguins" and Other Movies About Animals Overcoming Arctic Terrain – $19.85 million

2.  Another Studio-Produced Wacky Spoof Movie Composed Entirely of the Cliched, Poorly Constructed Gags Found In Most Other Studio-Produced Movies Over the Past Couple of Years, Except This Time It’s Supposed To Be Funny Because, You Know, It’s a Wacky Spoof Movie – $18.9 million

3.  Peter Sellers Continues Rolling In His Grave, Only This Week Steve Martin Is Down Two Notches at the Box Office – $16.5 million

4.  George Is Still Curious.  Moviegoers Clearly Are Not – $11.25 million

5.  After Only One Week In Relase, This Unnecessary Sequel to an Unnecessary Sequel Is Rapidly Approaching It’s Final Destination: Forgotten Irrelevancy – $10.1 million

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While You Were Pouring Bushmill’s Into Your Coffee

  • Gay cowboys Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal will appear on Will & Grace to continue beating the dead gay horse of Brokeback Mountain jokes.
  • Today is Paris Hilton’s 25th birthday.  Spank somethingClooney_batman7_resize
  • Was Dick Cheney really hunting for beaver when he shot his friend in the face last weekend?
  • AOL is facing criticism for listing "gay and lesbian" as a musical genre on their online music site.  Maybe they just didn’t have space to write out "Coldplay".
  • Nicole Richie curses the fame she worked so hard to get. 
  • I think it would be awesome if George Clooney bought back his old Batman suit and wore it to the Oscars, in order to remind people that the star of Batman & Robin is nominated for 3 awards.  Joan Rivers’ head would explode.

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Scott Stapp Is The King, and Other Things I’ve Learned From Celebrity Sex Tapes

You know, when the Kid Rock-Scott Stapp sex tape showed up yesterday and took the World Wide Web (Information Superhighway) by storm, it seemed like every blogger in the world had some kind of sarcastic, "Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth" reaction to the preview clip.  Your first thought might even have been something like, "Gross, I don’t want to see this!"  That would be a big mistake.Sostapp

Personally, I happen to think this has the potential to be the greatest Celebrity Sex Tape yet.  I mean, not since Pam and Tommy’s Love Boat have we heard anything as undeniably genius as Stapp’s turning to the camera and unironically declaring, "It’s good to be the King".

You know, as the lead singer of a Christian band, maybe this is Scott’s way of emulating Jesus’ controversial decision to hang out with Mary Magdalene, a Biblical woman of ill repute.  Though I definitely don’t remember any Bible verses where Jesus says, "It’s good to be the King of Kings."

Anyway, this got me thinking about other Celebrity Sex Tapes I’ve seen, and things I’ve learned from them…

Read more…

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While You Were Gorging Yourself on Chocolate Hearts

  • While visiting London, Paris Hilton said she’d like to go to "Celebrity Love Island", a UK reality show she mistook for an actual place.  When informed of her misunderstanding, Paris was reportedly crushed that her lifelong quest to rule over a utopian paradise populated by people less intelligent than herself will have to remain a distant fantasy.Pamkfc
  • Beyonce Knowles revealed that she once danced naked in a room full of men when her dress accidentally fell off.  This of course doesn’t include all the times she’s danced naked in rooms full of record executives, producers, talent agents, strip club patrons and other men who could help make her famous.
  • Pamela Anderson says she’s officially boycotting the Kentucky Derby due to their affiliation with PETA-enemy Kentucky Fried Chicken.   We think Pam is just jealous because KFC has the only breasts people love more than hers.
  • Bruce Willis boldly criticizes Oprah’s handling of the James Frey controversy.  Tune in to Oprah next week to see Bruce Willis get a very stern talking-to. 
  • Vince Vaughn has reportedly warned hubby Jennifer Anniston to stop talking about ex Brad Pitt so much.  I know I always hate it when I start dating someone new and all they can ever talk about is how their last boyfriend was  "Sexiest Man Alive" this and "Hollywood’s  Hottest Hunk" that.  SO annoying.
  • Mariah Carey is blaming her dress for her imperfect appearance at the Grammy Awards.  Meanwhile the dress shot back, "Oh yeah?  Why don’t YOU try stuffing 140 pounds of cellulite-ridden celebrity diva into YOUR body!"

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While Your Were Having Your Mind Blown By a Scientologist

Plutonash

  • Could TomKat – and the natural order of the universe as we know it – really be over???
  • Pink will never get divorced, Joel Madden will never cheat on Hillary Duff, and Madonna’s marriage to Guy Richie is "rock solid".  Happy Valentine’s Delusion Day, everybody!
  • Whitney Houston is scheduled to perform at the Winter Olympics in ItalyBobby Brown is scheduled to smoke some crack and ruin the whole thing.
  • Shannen Doherty got into another car wreck, this time with something other than her career choices.
  • Jessica Simpson and Maroon 5 douchebag frontman Adam Levine are "officially dating".  Apparently "officially dating" is what you have to say to keep having casual, frivolous sex with Jessica Simpson in your Beverly Hills Hotel room.
  • If Pluto Nash just wasn’t enough "Eddie Murphy in outer space" for you, Fox has greenlit some movie called "Starship Dave" nobody will see sometime next year.