(Click on pics for EXCLUSIVE blown-up screen grabs of the full story.)
Holy Couch-Jumping Heterosexual Thetans, Batman!!!
Life & Style Weekly is running a cover story on the demise of the (literally) star-crossed relationship between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes! The ramifications of this news are unthinkable – our very existence might be hanging by only a few fragile threads of sensational tabloid fodder!
Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tomâ€™s saying: â€œTheir relationship is basically over.â€ Another friend adds: â€œThey both agreed that the marriage wouldnâ€™t work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.â€
The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their babyâ€™s birth this spring.
Could it really be true? And if so, why in the name of Xenu do we have to find out about this on VALENTINE’S DAY???
UPDATE: We’ve got footage of Oprah telling Tom she’s mad that he lied.
When I first heard that Vice President Cheney accidentally shot one of his Republican cronies in the face while hunting, my thoughts and prayers immediately went out to…Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, asking that they might handle such an extraordinary event with the wit and brilliance of which they are capable. Those prayers were answered.
Tony has a "special surprise Valentine’s Day guest" – and boy is he excited to find out who it is!
Now that the time is once again upon us when we have to pretend to enjoy "sports" such as curling, bobsledding and cross-country skiing, you might find CRACKED’s Guide to the Winter Olympics helpful and informative when trying to maintain coherent conversations with your co-workers about last night’s biathalon matchups.
After finally digging ourselves out of the snow, we bring you today’s belated – but still totally best – BEST NIGHT EVER!
Here are the top 5 films people paid their hard-earned money to see this week:
1. Unnecessary re-make of a classic film starring an actor whose increasingly desperate need for artistic legitimacy results in a misguided attempt to fill the impossibly large shoes of one of cinema’s greatest comedic geniusus — $21.7 million
2. Completely unnecessary SECOND sequel to a ridiculous teen horror film that should have gone straight to video the first time around, but has somehow managed to become a trilogy – $20.1 million
3. Adaptation of a popular and recognizable series of children’s books that replaces the creativity of the originals with a couple random movie stars and the desperate hopes that the name brand will be strong enough to sucker people into theaters (and judging by the 3rd place debut, it wasn’t) – $15.3 million
4. Harrison Ford tries to save his family. Yet again. And nobody seems to care. – $13.8 million
5. A teenage babysitter gets harassed by a deranged killer (from inside the house!) for oh, I don’t know…about the bajillionth time since the 1980′s – $10 million
Once again, Hollywood – you keep making great films, we’ll keep rewarding you by coming to see them!
Usually I don’t like sending people "online greeting cards" – but sometime’s they’re just so cute, so perfect that it would just be foolish not to. If you’re looking for guaranteed V-day love, send your sweetheart this charming declaration of love!
(Found via BWE Panelist and All-Around Gentleman Paul Scheer)
Check out this awesome t-shirt design combining two things that have about as much business being married as Tom and Katie:
Emo Care Bears!
When he does the "Care Bear Stare". I wonder if his chest shoots out My Chemical Romance songs and old Hot Topic reciepts?
(via Our Favorite Uncle G.)