Posts By AlexBlagg

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CAPTION THIS: Maverick Re-Made As A Horror Movie

You guys remember that old TV show Maverick that was remade as a Mel Gibson western comedy romp from the 90′s? Of course you don’t. Well, it existed, and thanks to the increasingly terrifying prospect of a John McCain presidency featuring a sidekick who is fundamentally incapable of acknowledging the existence of dinosaurs, Maverick might soon become the most horrifying movie of our time. Our video editor Claudia Castillo already made the poster:

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The MTV Reality Show Contestant Desert Island Survival Guide

islandchallengebodyshot.JPGYou guys, I’ve spent the better part of today staring at MTV’s Island Challenge Dailies site in utter slack-jawed horror/amazement. Basically what you’ve got is a bunch of rejects from the Real World and Road Rules dumped onto some deserted island together, forced to survive Outdrink, Outscrew and Outstupid each other, with only MTV’s endless supply of booze to assist them. Here are some classic deserted island survival situations, and how these rugged reality vets managed to overcome them:

Tune in next week when the girls have to rub their tramp stamps against each other to make fire!

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THINGS THAT EXIST: High Heels For Babies

Are you a woman with an unhealthy shoe fetish AND a baby daughter? Do you plop her down in front of Sex and the City re-runs instead of Baby Einstein videos? Is her ability to walk in high heels every bit as important to you as her ability to walk? Would you like her first steps to be taken in a tiny pair of hot pink high-heeled stilettos favored by strippers and porn stars? And most importantly, are you a total f*cking lunatic with no healthy grasp on reality? Then these high heels for babies are JUST what you’ve been waiting for!

(via Radar)

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ICYMI: “Short Shorts In Court Girl” Is A Local News Comedy Genius

When a Lancaster, Kentucky woman was sent to jail for 3 days for wearing clothing to court that a judge had repeatedly deemed “too skimpy”, the local news action team got down to the jailhouse to get her side of the story, which is amazing. Everything she says is like some kind of priceless Onion News Network joke, except she’s real. And wait until you hear why she was in court in the first place. She should be nominated for a Local News Emmy for Best Comedic Performance, or at the very least get an endorsement deal with Nair or something.

(Thanks to Casey for the tip!)

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ICYMI: Angry Beatles Fan Finally Exacts His Violent Revenge Against Oasis

Remember how back in the 90′s, Oasis would always show up at various awards shows, stumble onto the stage, say something retarded about being better than The Beatles, then rebelliously spit beer all over the fans in the first few rows before ripping through “Wonderwall” again? Did you ever watch these displays and feel like, “Man, I’d really love to run up there and flying body tackle those jackasses”? Well some dude finally did it in Toronto last night. Only problem is it’s kind of been a while since Noel & Liam did or said anything obnoxiously inflammatory enough – or, for that matter, were even relevant enough – to actually deserve being violently drilled off the stage mid-Greatest Hit, so I kind of feel a little sorry for them here. Though the sheer out-of-nowhere-ness of this lunatic tearing across the stage on a destructive rampage against the Brothers Gallagher is definitely funny in a strange way. I guess if the instant karma doesn’t get you, the decade-too-late karma will…in the form of getting sacked by a drunken hooligan who’s pissed because you haven’t played “Champagne Supernova” yet.

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VIDEO HITS ONE: This Video Might Mark The Exact Moment That Our Culture Finally Died

I wasn’t really expecting much from a band who chose to permanently name itself after a haircut Natalie Portman wore for her role in V For Vendetta, but boy was I blown away by the artistry and amazingess that went into this video for Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head’s (I feel ridiculous even writing that) song “Sophisticated Side Ponytail”. Rich in meaning and nuance, with each and every scrap of 80′s nostalgia painstakingly woven together into a pastiche of wonderful neon and loudness, like someone stuffed a long-discarded Devo B-side and an entire American Apparel warehouse into a missile made out of sparkles, then shot it – along with a couple hits of high-powered blotter acid – directly into your brain, where it will continue to assault your senses long after you frantically push the “Pause” button in order to make the eye-raping stop. It’s pretty amazing how something with so much visible stimulus can manage to say absolutely nothing. Way to go, hipsters.

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ICYMI: What Exactly Did Johnny Depp Do To Seventeen Year-Old Keira Knightley?

The lovely and talented Keira Knightley stopped by for a chat with Regis and Kelly this morning, and while describing the experience of meeting Pirates of the Caribbean co-star Johnny Depp for the first time, when she was only seventeen years old, she revealed something SO SHOCKING that it had to be bleeped out on-air! We’ll never know exactly what JUICY SECRETS she revealed about her youthful indiscretions with Depp, but Keira definetly managed to blow the Reege’s mind. Leave your guesses in the comments about what depraved acts she might have been describing! (Also, there may be severe weather headed towards New York.)

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Liveblogging The 2008 MTV Video Music Awards

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8:16 – The show closes with Kanye’s Big Surprise: some fireworks! And now Russell Brand is incoherently yelling about what a wonderful evening we just had. I’m pretty curious to see how this all translates to television, but from where I’m sitting it was…something. Thanks for hanging out with me, and sorry for the unexpected interruption. Now I’m gonna go drink myself into a stupor and try to take The Jonas Brothers’ virginity. Good night!

8:14 – Our man Kanye, sporting a big broken heart on his sleeve, is closing out the show by premiering his much-discussed new song, which features way too much singing and not nearly enough rapping. Everyone’s been buzzing about the surprises he supposedly has in store for us with this, but so far, I’ve got to say: pretty boring. Maybe a laptop will appear and he’ll suddenly start liveblogging himself. That would be awesome.

8:10 – “Olympic gold medalist” Kobe Bryant introduces the Video of the Year nominees. Wait, they still make music videos? Because this is the first time I’ve seen any of these. The nominees are Britney Spears, Chris Brown, The Jonas Brothers, The Pussycat Dolls, and the Ting Tings so everyone loses. Everyone except BRITNEY, who wins again! She’s celebrating the one-year anniversary of her Legendary VMA Meltdown by taking home three awards from the very same show? Ladies and gentlemen, we’re witnessing the dawn of the carefully constructed Return of Britney Spears. It’ll be all you read about in the tabloids this week. She’s normal again, you guys!

8:00 – Kid Rock is performing some song that uses the music from “Werewolves of London” and “Sweet Home Alabama”, but with lyrics that are somehow even more stupid. Good to see he at least bothered to wear one of his nicer track suits.

7:57 – Holy sh*t, I missed the Motherf*cking LaBeouf!?!? I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS LA FIRE MARSHALLS!

7:52 – Britney wins again! MTV apparently owed her big time for all those sweet high ratings last years. Paris just kissed her. Gross. If Lohan had made that a menage a trois, the world probably would have exploded. Brit just thanked God again. The Big Man upstairs always has a heck of a night at the VMA’s.

7:51 – You guys, I assure you that Paris Hilton looking towards the wrong camera onstage before mumbling a couple words looks WAY funnier when you see it live. She put in a big day.

7:49 – Celebrities I secretly smelled while waiting to get back inside the show: Paris Hilton, LL Cool J, Slash’s wife, Busta Rymes.

7:43 - OMG, Zac Efron andn Lauren Conrad – mere inches from each other! They always have the most beautiful babies together in my dreams. Tokio Hotel just won the Best New Artist award. They’re so weird-looking. They make those Slipknot dudes look like conservatively-dressed Republicans.

7:39 – Okay Xtina is performing, rocking what appears to be an outfit made completely out of spandex. The wierd thing about seeing this live is MTV keeps shooting from wacky camera spots that I can’t see. So while I hear that beautiful voice of hers, I can’t actually see what she’s doing. Oh there she is. In front of a stage that appears to be a futuristic rendering of Seattel. Okey-dokey then.

7:35 - You guys, I’m SO SORRY. I went to the bathroom, which is outside, and while I was relieving myself of all the Red Bull and mood stabilizers, the LA Fire Marshall decided to block the doors and not let ANYONE back in, including myself and TV superproducer Mark Burnett, who was wearing a scarf and kept reminding the unsympathetic door-keeper that he was Mark Burnett. But I’m back now. What did I miss?

Read the rest, after the jump!

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Notes From The VMA Press Bunker

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So I’ve successfully infiltrated the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. I’m currently holed up in the dark confines of the press compound here on the Paramount Studios lot, awaiting the beginning of the red carpet arrivals pre-show, watching the raw footage from the MTV camera people outside on the carpet. It’s too bad they don’t broadcast this stuff, because watching a giant pack of paparazzi screaming their heads off at lesser Hills personalities is pretty hilarious.

As you can clearly see in the photo above, I’m having SO MUCH FUN passing the hours here in the press bunker. I’ve been giving fake press conferences, pretending to be Lil Wayne. I tried to roam around the studio lot, hoping to find a giant prop storeroom, from which I could steal long-forgotten treasures from the set of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but my quest was cut short by one of the MTV press ladies, who looked like she might decapitate me with her clipboard. I do not bother to tell her that the Defamer guys are already running amok on the lot, making a mockery of her precious security efforts.

So now I’m back in the press pen with the other sunlight-averse members of the media. Let me bring you up to date on the LA weekend so far. Last night I went to the Rock Band II show with the Plain White T’s and Panic! At the Disco at the House of Blues to benefit LIFEbeat, though I’d say the event’s best performances came from the random drunk audience members who thought it would be a good idea to go play Rock Band, poorly, in front of a bar full of people. Panic! At the Disco came in at a close second. After that, I went to the Roxy for the Rhapsody party, at which T-Pain regaled us all with song. He is amazing. Also I met New York from Flavor of Love and told her the only reason I don’t audition for her dating shows is out of fairness for the other competitors, because she would clearly love me most.

So what else? My arrival on the Paramount lot was greeted by a large elephant being hosed off by some dude near the red carpet, as one would naturally expect. Our MTV brethren at Buzzworthy have been entrenched here all week, relentlessly covering the various rehearsals and preparations that go into putting on a spectacle of this magnitude. Apparetnly Britney is in the building.

The Jonas Brothers are going to be performing on a large outdoor stage that looks like Brooklyn, albeit a Brookln where a horde of crazed tweens run wild through the streets.

There is a giant monster truck in the parking lot that says Tokio Hotel all over it, though no one seems to know why.

Kanye West is performing in the giant take from that part in The Truman Show where Jim Carrey is on the boat and realizes the world isn’t real. I’m hoping MTV’s big surprise is that reality as we know it is non-existnant and that we’re all just supporting characters in a big reality show about Kanye.

T-Pain just showed up to the red carpet on that elephant, and John Norris is freaking the f*ck out about it.

We’ve lost our video feed in the press room, and now the screens are all just broadcasting a rerun of The Hills. LC is having a salad and complaining about something, like always.

Wait, video feed is back, and the MTV news host is struggling to conduct a conversation with Stephanie Pratt. Neither of them seem to be very good at words.

I’ll be live-blogging from inside the show starting at 9pm ET, but in the meantime, keep checking back for my random commentary on the various things that happen until then – after the jump!

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