Abby Holland is here to kick off a brand new Tuesday night of two thousand and nine TV with Homeland Security, Scrubs, and The Biggest Loser! Go nuts!
Posts By Best Week Ever
Put down your fruit and juices and join Brian Faas as he has his Best Night Ever! Cleanse yourself with the best moments from Gossip Girl and The Bachelor premiere! Moments these good are gonna go right through you!
Happy 2K9, Y’all! Get back in the grove with Michael Cyril Creighton as he walks you through the best moments from Sunday Night television! If Ruby, Rock of Love: Bus, Confessions of a Teen Idol and Desperate Housewives don’t inspire you to keep those resolutions, it’s gonna be a long year! Or just a year of bad TV.
Max Silvestri is here to gather round’ the TV and count 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 while the ball drops and people kiss strangers and count down some of his favorite New Year’s Eve movies! Take a seat on the New Year’s Eve movie couch and check out clips from When Harry Met Sally, Happy New Year Charlie Brown, and 200 Cigarettes and get ready to ring in the New Year!
Gatecrasher reports that Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez are getting divorced — but they’re waiting until Valentine’s Day to announce it. Thankfully we’ve been given fair warning or else they could’ve put a real damper on the only day of the year reserved for celebrating sweet romance.
As it turns out, Valentine’s Day isn’t the only holiday they’ve planned to ruin. To foil their elaborate scheme of holiday wet-blanketing, we got our hands on an excerpt of Marc and J.Lo’s 2009 calendar:
2009 Important Dates
Good Friday – April 10 – Eat at Ruby Tuesday
4/20 – April 20 – Premiere anti-marijuana PSA and snitch on stoned college kids
Earth Day – April 22 – Scatter six-pack rings in dolphin breeding grounds
Arbor Day – April 23 – Drive buzzsaw Battlebot through the rainforest
Mother’s Day – May 10 – Dangle twin babies over a balcony
Independence Day – Star in salsa-fusion musical as Mr. and Mrs. Abraham Lincoln
Halloween - Wear really unslutty costumes
Christmas - Replace all gifts everywhere with copies of El Cantante
Is it the time of year or something? Seems like everyone is acting suspiciously calm and functional, as though every remotely famous person suddenly decided, “This Christmas, I think I’ll relax on being a piÃ±ata for the world.” They’re leaving me hanging here, blindfolded, wielding a stick, wearing this awesome party hat. So here’s a memo, celebrities: let a little candy out…in the form of a shart on camera. Somebody’s gotta step up (down?) and shart publicly for our amusement, for the love of MimiCoco. Just a little gas followed by some mass.
You celebrities can take the shart to whatever extremes you please; whether it sounds like letting the air out of an untied balloon, a cat purring, or the off-Broadway musical Stomp. You can’t lose: sharting is the new vadge-flashing, the new Jizz In My Pants (yep, it’s over already) the new Jennifer Aniston-ing — but with a higher level of excellence and elegance. Those of you with your own lingerie lines, I urge you to rise to the occasion and seize your chance to shine.
But wait, my plea for on-camera shartage need not extend only to the rich and famous. Dear readers, this is your chance to be famous too! Leapfrog over a celebrity mid-photo opp and shart it out loud, and I will personally Photoshop orange cleavage onto you to ensure your newsworthiness. In Say Anything, shartmaster John Cusack says, “I am looking for a ‘dare to be great’ situation.” This is it.
Gas up your time-traveling Delorean and get ready to enjoy the best moments of Christmas past! That’s right, Shea Hess and Michael Cyril Creighton had the best Christmas EVER with the best retro Christmas specials! Enjoy your favorite throwbacks from The Garbage Pail Kids, the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special, The Simpsons, A Snow White Christmas, and Frosty Returns!
He might be disappointed when he finds out it’s just Beggin’ Strips.
Max Silvestri has a ho ho lot of great moments from Monday night television. With shows like Mama’s Boys and Bad Girls Club in his sack full of goodies, Christmas just came a little early!
I am more than comfortable admitting that Adult Swim’s Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! is the best thing that’s happened to me in a while — it’s like my gift from Hanukkah Harry. The show is broken up into lots of random characters and segments, the Awesomest and Greatest Jobbest being Brule’s Rules. John C. Reilly plays channel 5 news correspondent Dr. Steve Brule, sharing his rarified wisdom with a combination of marble mouth and cotton mouth. In this special Brule’s Rules report, Brule offers a brilliant explanation of viral video and shows us his “technology stuff.” Believe me, you’ll walk away inspired to make some computer technologies of your own.