Posts By Best Week Ever

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Heeeeeeeere’s Leno!

Jay_lenoSANTA MARIA, Calif. – Jay Leno, who has been subpoenaed for Michael Jackson’s child molestation trial, wants the judge to lift or clarify a gag order that could keep the comedian from one of his most vital sources of punchlines.

See Jay, it’s all fun and games making fun of accused child molesters UNTIL you get subpoenaed, isn’t it?

I just hope that this doesn’t become a trend. I mean, what would happen if other Jay Leno punchlines went to trial and he got subpoenaed for those too?

Anna Nicole Smith?

J-Lo’s ass?

Kevin Eubanks?

Lorena Bobbitt (still)?

I hope they stay out of trouble, otherwise Jay might have to come up with some new material.

I also wonder what Jay’s going to be like during the trial if he has to testify. When he gets called to the stand is he going to run out and give high fives to everybody in the front row? Every time he tells a bad joke under oath is he going to turn to Kevin Eubanks and repeat it a few times? Is he going to look off camera for one of his writers to tell him what to say? And most importantly, when E! does their re-enactment of the whole thing, who are they going to get to play Jay Leno? I bet if they try really hard, they might be able to get… Jay Leno.

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Random Oscar Thoughts

Swank

It’s nice to see that Sean Penn had his "I Am Sam" hair back.  Is there a sequel coming up?

It’s about time that Morgan Freeman got an Oscar for being the "old, wise, black man." I thought he was a shoo-in after playing both the President of the USA(in Deep Impact) and God (in Bruce Almighty), but it turns out all he had to do was be a boxing instructor. Who knew?

Poor Scarlett Johansson… how did she get talked into presenting the Technical Awards? Did they promise her she’d get to sit next to somebody cool during the real ceremony?

I hope Drew Barrymore enjoyed being on stage at the Academy Awards. Somebody should’ve taken a picture.

You always hear that the Academy awards actors not only for their most recent role, but also for their "body of work." Do you think the Academy is rewarding Hilary Swank more for her role in "The Next Karate Kid" or her role on 90210?

See, I told you that Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz were different people.

Did Jamie Foxx get a tattoo on the back of his head to help him prepare for his inevitable turn as Mike Tyson in some upcoming biopic?

While Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows was singing, do you think he was looking around the crowd thinking, "I’ve slept with you… I’ve slept with you… Yep, you too…"

While Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows was singing, do you think the girls in the crowd that he’s slept with were thinking, "What was I thinking???"

How did Beyonce choose which eye shadow went with which performance? That was honestly the only way I could tell them apart.

Well, at least now we know that Antonio Banderas isn’t only a bad actor.

I just wish one person said, "I’d like to thank the Academy for saving me the trouble of walking all the way over to the stage." Or, "When I was a child I always dreamed of getting an Academy Award… in the aisle."

I can’t believe Martin Scorsese didn’t win… for his role in Shark Tales.

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Three Things I Never Needed To See In Life

1. Central Park covered with big orange Gates

The_gates

2. The Boston Red Sox winning the World Series

Red_sox

3. Fred Durst’s penis

Durst

Thanks to some crazy artist, a collapse by the Yankees, and a guy called "The T-Mobile Terrorist," during the past 6 months I’ve seen them all.

I really don’t know what’s left. In the words of Jane’s Addiction, "nothing’s shocking"… anymore.

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Is There Ever Too Much Paris?

Paris_hilton_160468a So now that the entire planet has seen Paris Hilton’s camera-phone pictures, browsed through her phone book, and read her Sidekick messages, I think it’s time that we all ask ourselves this: Are we finally done with Paris? I mean, what’s left? What else can we possibly find out about this girl? We know everything from her best friend’s digits to her favorite sexual position, what else do we need to know? 

I think it’s an individual decision, though, to determine if you’re done with Paris. So, in order to help you figure out if you’re ready to move on or not, I came up with 10 questions that you have to ask yourself. Answer them honestly, and by the end you should be able to determine if you’ve had enough of Paris.

1) Have you ever seen a picture of Paris Hilton naked? Sorry, I should rephrase that; How many naked pictures of Paris Hilton have you seen?

2) Have you ever seen Paris in night vision?

3) Have you scrolled through Paris Hilton’s T-Mobile phone book? Have you called any of the numbers? Are you calling one of the numbers right now as you’re reading this? Which one are you calling?

4) Do you say "that’s hot" in casual conversation?

5) Do you have a favorite part of the E! True Hollywood Story: The Hilton Sisters?

6) Have you ever uttered the phrase, "Sorry, can’t talk, The Simple Life is on!" Or even, "Sorry, can’t talk, One Night In Paris is on!"

7) When you travel, do you try to stay at the Hilton just so you can say that you were "totally inside a Hilton"?

8) Did you read Paris’s book? Seriously, did you? We won’t tell anybody, just be honest. Did you read Paris’s book?  If so, what the hell were you thinking?

9) Are you going to purchase Paris’s album when it comes out? Seriously, are you? If so, what the hell will you be thinking?

10) And finally, do you think that you’ve had enough of Paris Hilton?

So, how’d you do?  If it turns out that you do, in fact, still love Paris and that you haven’t had enough of her, then your best bet may be to get a shot of penicillin and consult a psychologist immediately. And more importantly, put down your T-Mobile phone and stop calling Bijou Phillips at once– that can only hurt you.

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5 Good Reasons

America’s favorite little sister is launching a tour tonight in California. Can you guys come up with five good reasons to see Ashlee Simpson live? Our panelists will chime in with their guesses on tonight’s show!