Posts By BobCastrone

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Apparently Abusing Children Is Only Funny in America

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If there’s one thing we all have in common, as Americans, it’s that we love watching little kids getting the s**t beat out of them on film. From Adam Sandler pegging children in the head during a game of dodgeball in Billy Madison to Peyton Manning chucking footballs & cursing out poor kids on SNL, we love it all. America agrees- cartoonish childish abuse is funny. But you know who doesn’t think it’s funny? Canadians.

Weirdos.

The folks at Deadspin have alerted us to a Toronto Blue Jays commercial that’s been banned in Canada because it features Designated Hitter Frank Thomas hitting a kid– hard– with a pillow. Yeah, that’s right– a pillow.This is really upsetting. If Frank Thomas– a man whose nickname is “The Big Hurt”– can’t hit a kid with a pillow and get a laugh, what does that say about Canada’s sense of humor? Are we really that different than our neighbo(u)rs from up North? Are we going to have to put “comedy” alongside hockey, poutine and Howie Mandel as things that just don’t translate when you cross the border? I hope not. We were doing so well following Mike Myers, Jim Carrey and Pam Anderson’s acceptance in the 90′s– it’d be sad to see all that hard work go to waste.

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IN ODDER NEWS: Quiznos is mmm…Scary

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  • A 30-year-old woman was arrested for assaulting a 14-year-old girl after posing as a teenage boy for over a year. When asked why she did it, Hilary Swank just answered “I’m sorry.”
  • Roger Ebert, recovering from cancer surgery, says he is “feeling better every day.” He would’ve given his progress “two thumbs up,” but doctors insist he lay off the bad jokes until he’s all better.
  • So a coyote casually walks into a Quiznos… No, that’s not the beginning of a joke- that s**t is real and it’s insane.
  • Despite Mark Foley’s antics last year, the Congressional page program is more popular than ever. And, perhaps unsurprisingly, more fabulous than ever too.
  • CNN is set to replace American Morning hosts Soledad O’Brien and Miles O’Brien. Chloe O’Brien begins to worry about her job security.

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UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Show Me The Butt

The producers of Family Feud know that if you ask 100 people to name something that droops, you’re going to get some dirty answers. And, ideally, you’ll get a host yelling “Show me the butt!” Now, if only they could find a way to manipulate John O’Hurley into saying “What What, In The Butt” we’ll die in peace.

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Kelly From The Office Likes To Talk In Real Life, Too

mindykaling1.jpgWe’re so close to new episodes of The Office we can hardly contain ourselves. The last month and half has been painful, and like desperate drug addicts who needed a fix, we’ve used whatever we could find on the internet to tide us over. Deleted scenes, mash-ups, MySpace blogs, games, interviews– it didn’t matter; we were desperate. Thankfully, we’re almost there. Whew. But if for some reason you don’t think you’ll be able to make it till tomorrow’s oversized episode, here’s one last fix; an interview with Mindy Kaling, a.k.a. Ryan’s girl Kelly. Check it out to learn more about the cutest female Indian character on TV (not named Sanjaya), Scranton, and what it’s like to work at The Office. We particularly liked her idea on how to keep Dunder Mifflin around even if some of our favorite characters moved on:

My dream is that when Steve leaves the show, we could have Amy Poehler come on as the boss. I think Amy’s flawless. I have this fantasy that we’ll get this female boss, and at the beginning, she’ll seem totally normal and what a relief, and then we’ll find out that there’s lots of different horrible, crazy kinds of bosses. Or Kathy Bates or something. How funny would that be?

Poehler or Bates? We’re in. Check out the full interview here.

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Every Eminem Song Ever

Eminem is one of the greatest (white) rappers ever. The way he tackles a variety of subjects with such a unique perspective is just incredible. In case you’ve forgotten just how unbelievable Shady is, check out this video of every Eminem song ever. It’s spot on*.

*almost- it’s lacking the homophobia. close enough, though

Vid via WebJunk.TV

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Heidi From The Hills: Now Faker Than Ever

heidi hills2.jpgHeidi Montag– the other blonde on MTV’s The Hills– has reportedly made the revolutionary decision to differentiate herself from the rest of the blonde wannabe popstars in Los Angeles by going under the knife and getting breast implants.

Usmagazine.com has learned exclusively that Montag, 20, underwent breast augmentation surgery on Monday at the Beverly Hills office of plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan

Sources say that Montag had been considering the procedure for several years and just recently decided to go under the knife.

See- Heidi isn’t as dumb as everybody thought. By combining marginal talent with blonde hair and big fake boobs, she has the potential to go far in the industry. If everything falls into place, she could stand alongside The Real World’s Tonya Cooley as the most successful MTV reality TV alum ever (and, yes, by that we mean she’s one step closer to soft-core porn. Naturally.) Best of luck, Heidi. We know LC will be rooting for you!

Oh… wait… they hate each other now? Hmm. Okay, nevermind kid, you and your big fake t*ts are on your own. Good luck!

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GAMES: 5 Minutes To Kill Yourself

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If you’re at work right now staring at the walls of your cubicle and dreading every email that arrives in your inbox because each one means either a) more work, or b) lame jokes, you’re not alone. That’s why a game like Five Minutes To Kill Yourself by the folks over at adult swim really hits home hard. In it, you have to interact with annoying coworkers, inflict bodily damage onto yourself and do whatever you can to make sure you’re too dead to attend another obnoxious meeting. It’s the perfect Wednesday timewaster and you’re going to love it… unless it hits too close to home. In that case, just turn it off and go on with your day.

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IN ODDER NEWS: Go Gators

  • 418007.jpgAn elderly couple in India committed suicide because their dog died. Now if only Paris Hilton would show that kind of commitment…
  • Last night the Florida Gators became the first college basketball team in 15 years to win back-to-back national championships. That chick in your office who’s never watched a second of basketball in her life totally predicted that in your office pool, didn’t she?
  • A former business associate of Beyonce and Tina Knowles claims he was discriminated against because he’s black. It’s the guy’s most ridiculous lawsuit since claiming Clay Aiken discriminated against him because he’s gay.
  • The reigning Mr. Universe faces assault and resisting arrest charges after a run-in with police officers. If found guilty, the first runner-up from the X36R-299 galaxy will step in to assume his duties.
  • A train in France set a new speed record for rail travel. Not surprisingly, the train was leaving France.

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BACK IN ’07: Tremendous Made For TV Movies With UN-BELIEVALBLE Casts

As great as television has gotten over the past couple of years– with shows like Lost and 24 and CSI– it’s been glaringly obvious that something’s been missing. What is it, you might ask? Simple- tremendous Made for TV Movies with unbelievable casts. Up until the mid-90′s, they were somewhat common occurances. Who didn’t love specials like Mother Goose’s Rock N’ Rhyme featuring stars like Bobby Brown, Woody Harrelson, Blondie, and Howie Mandel? Or Camp Cucamonga starring Jennifer Aniston, Urkel, Winnie Cooper, Candace Cameron and every other relevant sitcom star of the day. And let’s not even talk about 1985′s Alice In Wonderland that featured everybody from John Stamos to Sammy Davis Jr. to Scott Baio to Ringo Starr. There was something unbelievably awesome about seeing a mishmash of celebrities alongside one another on screen, and dammit, it’s sad that it never happens anymore (barring lame tragedy concerts, of course). That’s why it’s time to bring big, oversized movies starring a bunch of people we want to see on screen together BACK in ’07. Just watch this clip of Sherman Hemsley dressed as a mouse singing about why he hates dogs & cats and you’ll agree.

See? They have to come back. What else do you want to see Back in ’07? Let us know in the comments.

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ICYMI: Lessons Learned From Family Guy

If you’re learning most of your life lessons from Family Guy you’re in trouble. You need help. Stop reading this blog and go find someone to talk to immediately. Seriously. This is not a laughing matter. We’re worried about you. We care.

Vid via Gorillamask