Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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The 50 Most Delicious Doritos Flavors

Doritos on a supermarket shelf

With Cinco de Mayo approaching, we’re celebrating everyone’s favorite tortilla chips: Doritos. Don’t be ashamed of that savory goodness that sticks to your fingertips after you’ve downed a whole bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. We’ve all been there.

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The 37 Greatest Michelle Collins Posts Of All Time

When Michelle Collins left BWE several months ago, she compiled this list of her favorite posts of all time. In honor of BWE’s final week, we’ve reposted this handy guide in case you find yourself suffering from BWEthdrawal in the coming weeks and wish to peruse some bona fide literary classics. She also would like us to clarify that she did not write the title of this post. Take it away, Michelle:

Well, my time at Best Week Ever is coming to a close. But before I go, here are 37 things I am proud to have done over the last 6 years. Please note that putting this list together has given me life-altering anxiety this week because I can’t believe it’s over! So, presenting THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: 37 Things I Did For Best Week Ever:

37. Fell In Love With Knut. Met Him. Then Mourned Him.

Our journey with Knut was a deep one. We fell in love with the little scamp from birth, as did the other 1000 billion people living in China and beyond. But, like a little Lindsay Lohan except not quite as pale, the attention got to little Knuty, right around the time he started growing up into a less small, way filthy dirtier full grown polar bear.

I was one of the millions to go to Berlin and meet Knut. He was huge, navy brown, and depressed. Nearly a year later to the day, poor baby Knut passed away. And we gave you 50 photos to remember him by. I just hope his girlfriend from Stuttgart is OK.

36. Wasn’t Discovered At Planet Hollywood

You’ve heard the story a million times: Small town girl takes the bus to Planet Hollywood with big dreams, but leaves older, wiser, broken, with nary a single cement handprint plaque to her name. This is the story of how I found out I wasn’t cut out for the celebrity-owned restaurant industry.

Read: Planet Hollywood… 17 Years Later

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THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: 37 Things I Did For Best Week Ever

Well, my time at Best Week Ever is coming to a close. But before I go, here are 37 things I am proud to have done over the last 6 years. Please note that putting this list together has given me life-altering anxiety this week because I can’t believe it’s over! So, presenting THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: 37 Things I Did For Best Week Ever:

37. Fell In Love With Knut. Met Him. Then Mourned Him.

Our journey with Knut was a deep one. We fell in love with the little scamp from birth, as did the other 1000 billion people living in China and beyond. But, like a little Lindsay Lohan except not quite as pale, the attention got to little Knuty, right around the time he started growing up into a less small, way filthy dirtier full grown polar bear.

I was one of the millions to go to Berlin and meet Knut. He was huge, navy brown, and depressed. Nearly a year later to the day, poor baby Knut passed away. And we gave you 50 photos to remember him by. I just hope his girlfriend from Stuttgart is OK.

36. Wasn’t Discovered At Planet Hollywood

You’ve heard the story a million times: Small town girl takes the bus to Planet Hollywood with big dreams, but leaves older, wiser, broken, with nary a single cement handprint plaque to her name. This is the story of how I found out I wasn’t cut out for the celebrity-owned restaurant industry.

Read: Planet Hollywood… 17 Years Later

Read more…

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Basset Hound Screencap Says It All

George is a basset hound. He choked on a phone cord. And called police. I’d say for my last day at BWE.tv, this screencap pretty much sums up 6 years of hard work, wouldn’t you?

George is a two-year-old basset hound with a facial expression that suggests he’s ready to end it all, but the dog wanted to live so much that he somehow was able to call emergency services to his master’s home in West Yorkshire, England, when he was on the verge of choking to death on a telephone cord. The operator who heard desperate breathing at the other end of the line dispatched four policemen to George’s residence, but it was the neighbor who let them in that ripped out the wire to free the hound. No one has yet explained how George’s fat paw managed to actually dial a rotary phone, least of all owner Lydia Brown who admitted, “He’s usually not very smart.” Which accounts for him getting tangled up in the cord to begin with.

With thanks to Meg Kross for the heads up! Now back to writing my goodbye post.

You can read more about this miracle dog here.

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Let’s Laugh At Fat Animals, For Old Time’s Sake

As was announced yesterday, tomorrow will be my last day here at BWE.tv. But while I comb through old posts to bring you a MICHCOLL MEGAMIX of delights tomorrow, why not revert to one of my favorite weekend past times: Pointing and laughing and fat animals. And who else to bring us this flabby menagerie of delights other than “The most prestigious newspaper in the world” (– Rob Kardashian) Daily Mail. It’s a gallery of fat ass animals who don’t know what zumba is because they don’t speak English or watch The Today Show.

Yes, some kindred spirit in England has started a Biggest Loser competition for fat pets. Let’s meet our contestants:

This is Fifi. She was starved as a kitten, and like so many New York City prep school students, now has an addiction to food. She also looks exactly like the cat version of Paula Deen. Get this cat some “booter and oiiiyull Sayyyeth.”

This is Deco. He’s a yellow lab who weighs 121 pounds. (!!!) Just to give you an idea of how much that is, Deco weighs three times as much as Giada De Laurentiis (including head).

Cavalier Jack hasn’t spoken to his mother in 12 years.

Fat animals don’t give a fat f*ck ahead.

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End Of The Internet Road: My Time At Best Week Ever Comes To A Close

Well my loves. There’s no easy way to put this. So, like so many Sally Hansen wax strips yanking out the hairy roots of truth, I’ll just say it: Friday will be my last day here at my beloved Bestweekever.tv. I know what you’re thinking: “They finally fired that gigantic bitch. She went too far. Texted Mraz. Big spooned Gosling. Luggage stowawayed Fassbender. Something.” And while all those things are 100 percent true and did definitely happen, the truth is less sinister and more exciting: I will be starting work as a writer/producer on Kathy, the new Kathy Griffin talk show premiering on Bravo in mid-April and airing every Thursday at 10PM. I am very excited to work on this show as it falls right into my wheelhouse (my wheelhouse is a Liza Minnelli storage locker — her Godson is the guard), but also bittersweet because YOU GUYS the blog!

It’s been nearly 6 years since I started writing for BWE.tv and the good people at VH1, and leaving isn’t easy. I walked in a young, fresh-faced girl with no bangs and leave a wiser, rheumatic-clawed woman with very long bangs and some sweet recaps and celebrity interviews under my belt. But before I get shmaltzy here thanking everyone — I’ll save that for my actual goodbye post on Friday — we should celebrate!

Wait wrong video… We should celebrate!!

You should probably already be prepping yourself for my real goodbye post, which halfway through will be interrupted by the pit orchestra at the Academy Awards, when it will be escorted off the internet by the daughter of Melanie Griffith. This will be the Malcolm X of goodbye posts, so you should probably cancel all of your “meetings” on Friday so we can reenact the last 10 minutes of Terms of Endearment together. Til then, me and my common law office husband Dan Hopper will still be plugging away. LOVE YOU GUYS!!

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The Hoveround Song Is My Summer Jam Of 2012

You can keep your Justin Bieber “Boyfriend”‘s and your Flo-rida’s and Hunger Games Original Score soundtracks. See, what you may not know about me is that while my blog posts reek with elegance and grace, I actually write them at home, in sweatpants (sometimes I don’t even have the energy for sweatpants), Starbucks Via in hand, bangs Beakering themselves above my forehead, and usually if not daily, watching a variety of kind of terrible morning television usually reserved for the dead elderly whose family still hasn’t checked in on them even though it’s been weeks.

One of the downsides of this work ethic is this:

One of the upsides, however, is this:

Watching commercials geared towards the aged can get tiresome — if I see one more trans-vaginal mesh add *shakes fist* — but I will suffer through endless catheter ads in order to hear the amazing Hoveround jingle. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything so sweet and earnest in my life. AND CATCHY! I mean, where WILL it send him?! Pay attention OWN, I’m smelling a companion piece to Rollin’ With Zach. (Where is Zach these days? Anyone? Oprah?)

Let them just hook one of them Hoverounds up with Wifi and mood lighting and I might just take this blogging gig on the road.

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Here’s A Quick Way To Make Hugh Jackman As Jean Valjean Even Better

Hugh Jackman tweeted this “official” first look as Jean Valjean in the Les Miserables movie musical today — as opposed to the “unofficial” pic we brought you last week. Here he is in prisoner mode, or, as my ancestors would call it, going to tuck a note into the Wailing Wall mode:

MMM if we’re going to rate the success of the film on how intensely Hugh Jackman can furrow his brows, producers better prep for millions of dirty, TB-ridden francs so start rollin in. The only… only… way we could possibly see Jackman upping the authenticity of the character?

STEP 1: Add Wolverine Claws.

He doesn’t even need to lift the runaway cart, he could just tear that sh*t up with his claws you guys.