Ever been chased by an axe murderer and wished there was some sort of “defense” app that could help you in your time of need? Well good news, people constantly being chased. (You’re being chased right now, aren’t you?) Someone’s invented a pepper spray app. Actual pepper spray. Attached to your iPhone.
The SmartGuard Self-Defense Pepper Spray Device fits snugly in the included iPhone case, and sprays 6 powerful bursts of pepper spray at distances of up to five feet. Someone want to steal your iPhone? Hope they like to have “Jalepeno Vision.” Because that’s exactly what they’re going to get! Just be careful not to spray your own self in the face while attempting to turn your phone on or off, as the can is legit attached to the phone itself. Now, if only there was an app to help you find your car key as you nervously jangle them in the driver’s seat while a serial killer bangs on your window.
And good news ladies! This case also comes in pink. Another photo ahead.
Norby Walters is not necessarily someone I would want to be friends with. For starters, he’s a sports agent. Despite my raging “Plantar fasciitis,” I am no athlete. Back in 1988, Norby was convicted of fraud and racketeering after he signed college players to professional sports teams before it was legally allowed. Despite my penchant for Scorcese crime flicks and a dude I once made out with who just got out of Rikers, I don’t often associate with criminals. He also kind of looks like my cousin Edith who passed away years ago. I loved Edith but there’s only room for one in my heart.
And yet, taking allll of these things into consideration, my mind is made up: I want to be friends with Norby Walters. Why, you ask? Simple. Judging by the characters who attended his 22nd Annual Night Of 100 Stars Oscar Viewing Party, he seems to be basically the best dude. If you need more proof, I’d like to present 25 reasons why Norby Walter’s Oscar Viewing Party is HANDS DOWN the best Oscar Viewing Party out there.
Sorry, Vanity Fair, but until you put a man who has walked on the moon AND Rose from Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead in the same room, your party is meaningless.
Singer Davy Jones has passed away at only 66 years old today, from causes as yet unknown. Most people of a certain age remember Davy as the dreamiest member and lead singer of the 1960s Brit Pop band The Monkees.
Now I love The Monkees — though perhaps not as much as Marge Simpson. However when I hear Davy Jones, I can only think of one thing: His unforgettable cameo as Marcia Brady’s prom date on The Brady Bunch. Ah yes, every girl’s fantasy: To have their high school idol ask them out to prom. (Sadly, Bob Balaban never called.) Ah, that hair, those eyes… Marcia was a lucky girl. She probably still hasn’t washed her cheek from that day he kissed her.
We bring you two beloved clips from his appearance on The Brady Bunch below. Here’s to hoping we all see Davy on the flip side.
Ahead, Davy sings the song “Girl” and we all just spend the rest of the day swooning.
Twas only 3 days ago that all of Hollywood waxed and Spanxed and groomed in preparation for The 84th Annual Academy Awards, the movie industry’s complimentary 3-hour-long Thai Massage for Harvey Weinstein. And on this fabled eve, two luminaries took the time out of their busy “casual stroll” schedule to pose for a photograph together: Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and writer-Bowfinger star Steve Martin. And the two even tweeted the photo, albeit with very different sentiments. Gwyneth loves her life; Steve hates it. Looks like somebody still hasn’t unsubscribed from the Goop newsletter!
And sure, Steve’s kind of being a d*ck about this… but also the best? I mean she deserves it right? I’m genuinely trying to figure out if I dislike Gwyneth or if I just envy the fact that she can wear a white dress without looking like Pizza the Hut.
Yes, it’s that time of year again. The Oscars! Hosted by Billy Crystal! And after sorting through thousands of photos from last night’s affair, we bring you the best pics from backstage at the Oscars, the Vanity Fair Party, the 20th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation Viewing Party, and all the other soirees neither of us were invited to. So please, sit back, block some time, and let’s take a glance at the Oscar Photos They Don’t Want You To See:
MOST LIKELY TO BE RIDDING HER BODY OF TERMITES
Jennifer Lopez and Maybe That Little Girl In The Back
“COMING UP NEXT! N***AS IN PARIS!”
Nina Dobrev and Ian Sommerholder
WOMAN ACHIEVES THE RARE “DOUBLE JOLIE”
IT’S AS IF ALL OUR MOMS MET ADAM LAMBERT LAST NIGHT
Steven Tyler and Adam Lambert
Sure, last night’s Oscars left a lot to be desired. Namely, Best Actor winner Jean Dujardin standing with his Angelina leg sticking out of a robe in my boudoir. Yes, the star of The Artist is this year’s answer to Roberto Benigni, only French and much, much hotter. And because we’ll probably never see him in another movie again despite his handsome Frenchness, we’d like to savor this moment like a fine French wine crushed from grapes beneath his likely tan and wide feet.
Here are 40 photos of him looking sexy as mierde at The Oscars last night. Oh, to be Meryl Streep the very moment he is nuzzling her…
Thanks to Cristina Kinon for passing along this photo, proving that Angelina Jolie didn’t really give it her all on the Oscars red carpet last night. Nope, if she really wanted to impress us, she would have had both legs jutting out of her black velvet dress. DOUBLE IT NEXT YEAR ANG. You’ll really get people talking.
Perhaps my biggest regret last night is leaving the lovely Oscar party I attended hours before Jimmy Kimmel Live aired a sketch that, in 7 minutes, was infinitely more entertaining than all of Billy Crystal’s Oscar’s Eulogy.
Yes, now that her talk show isn’t on the air anymore and the world is left without her mighty Oscar special, Oprah Winfrey has got literal minutes of free time on her satin-lined hands. So much so that she spent an afternoon taking show pitches from the funniest man on late night, Jimmy Kimmel. Shows like Oprah Repo’s Her Favorite Things and Oprah’s Fight Club Book Club. It’s the best thing to happen last night. Also all these shows need to actually get made thank you.
The Dictator ended up appearing on the red carpet of The Oscars despite the Academy doth protesting too much. And what did he do? No big deal. Just spilled a bunch of Kim Jong Il’s ashes all over Ryan Seacrest and the red carpet.
HE DID IT. OK back to my red wine. We’re livetweeting! Catch up people.
Everyone on the internet is freaking out about this video of a cat using sign language, and for good reason: For God’s sake… it’s a cat using sign language to get things. I haven’t been this wowed by anything on the internet since this morning when I found out Stephen Hawking frequents sex clubs, which I imagine sounds something like this:
Anyway, this cat. So yeah, he signs. Well, really, he just rubs his little cat mouth with his paw and gets fed a treat each time he does it. Still, impressive. Though how do we know he’s asking for food and not tiny feline ciggs? Judging by the urgency in his almost Nazi-like signing precision, I don’t think it’s Meow Mix he’s after. For real, if my cat signed to me, it would be like the Michigan J. Frog sketch, with me begging to get him on Letterman while the cat just sits there, motionless.