Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Man Misses Decimal Point In Order, Gets Slipper The Size Of Bear

Decimal points are so minute, yet the lack of one could easily lead to a human interest story worthy of the Daily Mail. And would you — oh I just don’t believe it — here’s one right here!

British giant Tom Boddingham, who clocks in at 6’7″, tried ordering a size 14.5 shoe from a company that specializes in made to order monster slippers, because sure. The company is based in China, and all day, all night, the employees save to make plush slippers that turn regular human feet into hilarious cartoon monster feet. See, the only problem is, Tom “missed a decimal point,” and the hilarious monster slipper makers took the guy literally, making him a slipper sized 1450, big enough for a bed. It’s as long as a grizzly bear, and two times less likely to kill you in your sleep.

I think the best part of this story isn’t the sheer girth of that slipper, but moreso that the factory workers thought someone was actually going to use it. They must think British people are actual monsters no slippers necessary. That’s some Gulliver’s Travels sh*t right there.

(Party pooper quote of hte day: “Apparently workers in the slipper factory assumed his giant order was for a shop window display.” Boooo.)

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Lindsay Lohan Shows Up To Court In Borderline Blackface

This is Lindsay Lohan, whose face arrived in court today debuting a brand new look: Slumdog Millionaire. Maybe she thought the more she looked like the little kids in the movie, the easier the Judge would be on her. Who wants to put those kids in jail?? They were adorable!!

Then again, looks like every single person in this photo is like WTF…

Annnyway looks like it didn’t really work as Lindsay is facing even more jail time.

I mean back to the blush: Look, when it’s 6 AM and I’m getting my foundation put on for VH1s Big Morning Buzz Live (shameless plug thank u), the key word is CONTOURING. The geniuses in the makeup room do something that involves channeling Grace Jones, and the final result it: Mich lost a pound.

But Lindsay is already so waifish! Why put chocolate brown stripes on your face when you’re entire persona is skeletal despite some illegal bloating? Girl, I’ll never understand you, and I don’t even want to try.

Another pic ahead.

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Man With Giant Testicles Is The Belle Of The Balls

Check out the balls on this guy. He’s Wesley Warren Jr., and while it’s easy to make fun of a guy with 98 pounds testicles, it’s also the worst thing in the world after the man whose hands and legs are made from tree. Wesley suffers from scrotal lymphedema, an illness that causes the lymph nodes in his delicate parts to swell to an ungodly size. His testicles are so large, it appears he can’t even wear normal pants, but rather a hooded sweatshirt on his legs with which to delicately cradle his sensitive parts.

Oh and by the way: Wesley only came down with these giant balls after he believes he slept wrong on his formerly normal-sized testes back in 2008. Meaning the lesson of this article is clear: Wrap your balls in bubble paper before falling asleep.

According to Warren, the operation to remove these guys is going to cost $1 million, which seems kinda steep. I mean, I assume they’re just gonna cut em off, right? Like not try to salvage anything? Seems like at this point, you should just count your losses and take infertility over giant ballitility.

Well this doctor tries really hard to convince us that $1 million is just exactly how much it will cost to rid Wesley of this embarrassing deformity, money which the dude just doesn’t have. Until now. Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that the way to raise $1 million for a guy with 100 pound b’s is making him an internet meme. So watch this video guilt free! (And then donate! Info below.)

To help Wesley out, head over to Paypal and donate what you can to benefitballsack@yahoo.com. If you laughed, give what you can so that God doesn’t one day give you balls tucked into a hooded sweatshirt.

(The Sun via Norman Baker whom I will never forgive.)

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Election Just Got Easier With “Imagine There’s No Pizza”

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this election just got a HELL of a lot easier to figure out. Meet your future President and former Pizza Chain owner Herman Cain, singing a little song called “Imagine There’s No Pizza.” Yes, it is to the tune of John Lennon’s “Imagine,” and YES, IT DOES IMPROVE UPON THE ORIGINAL.

Please play this at my funeral while my pizza-themed casket rolls down the center aisle. It begins at 3:40:

With thanks to Podcast Goddess (Poddess?) Julie Klausner and Gawker.

Here Are The Lyrics To “Imagine There’s No Pizza”:

Imagine there’s no pizza, I couldn’t if I tried,
Eating only tacos or Kentucky Fried.
Imagine only burgers is frightening and sad.
You’re lucky you have pizza, to feed your kids for you
No good(?) frosting or cookies, and no dishes you must do
Imagine eating pizza each and every day!
You may say that it’s junk food,
But to me it’s so much more,
It gives my life its meaning, and it saves a lot of dough.

Imagine mozzerella, anchovies on the side
And maybe pepperoni, rounds out your pizza pie.
Imagine getting pizza delivered to your door.
You don’t have to pick it up now, on my skateboard I will go.
I’ll be back in 30 minutes… I just bought Domino.

All we are saying… is give pizza a chance!
All I am saying… give pizza a chance!

IT’S MY FAVORITE SONG

You guys, I think it’s about time a candidate run on a pizza-only platform. Like the actual platform is just one giant Sicilian slice. ALSO WHERE IS THIS CHURCH??? #CONVERT

Barack Obama
better pull out all the stops for real. First step: Hire Captain Vegetable to write his campaign song:

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Gorilla Fur Adidas: Hot Or Not?

Here is a preview pic of Jeremy Scott for Adidas SS12 collection. Yes, that’s a pair of Chester Cheetos foot coverings WITH tail, a dog wearing sneakers with smaller dogs on it, and a pair with stuffed gorilla heads on them presumably made out of gorilla fur. (I’m a horrendous presumer.)

A couple of questions.

1. Would you wear these?

2. If you said yes, awesome. Can you tell us what kind of person you are?

3. No judgments. Just curious.

Sincerely,
Judgments

Note: The survey does not apply to dogs, who should all want to wear those tiny little canine shoes.

(via Racked)

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We’re Gonna Need A Smaller Boat

Eauuu my goddddd. This has got to be the all time most adorable shark attack me and my biological clock have ever laid eyes on. That baby is like so smiley even though it was just eaten by a shark, and even the shark is giving minor side-eye followed by a sharkLOL.

All told, this baby has great parents and will live a happy and fulfilling life based solely on this photo alone. Next time you’re wondering why your adulthood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, remember, it’s because your parents never put you in a tiny shark costume.

(via Worstromance)

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All Aboard My Ovaries

Reason #18823 that I need to move Japan (Reason #18823: Become national giant): The trains there are to be conducted by penguins. A railway company in Japan has decided to increase sales by 1 trillion dollars by putting a little penguin named Haruka in the conductor’s seat. And oh, have they spared no expense. For God’s sake, look at his little hat.

LOOK AT IT.

It has a little fish on it because that’s what he likes to eat. And the article would like you to believe the following quote was given by an Ichibata train official, but I think we can all agree that it was the penguin himself who said it:

I hope the special train will be packed with many passengers, enough to make our penguin conductor work hard.

Ayayayayayay.

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50 People Sh*tting Themselves In A Haunted House

Halloween is right around the corner. So what better time to get together with friends, family and loved ones and publicly sh*t yourself? That’s exactly what the Nightmares Fear Factory in Niagara Falls, Canada aims to do. See, it’s a factory that produces Nightmares Fears, and as these photos will prove, business is booming. We still don’t know what it is, exactly, that is causing the following people to stop and drop and lose their effing minds out of terror, but whatever it is, we hope to never find out. Mainly because we look horrendous when terrified…

So dim the lights, light some candles, watch this video (don’t), and enjoy!

50.

49.

48.

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