Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Steven Tyler Washes Up Ashore Looking Stunning

Steven Tyler went to the beach looking like an extra in Independence Day when they thought the aliens were coming. I’m not sure if it’s the old timey Walt Disney swim trunks or the spearmint Lifesavers necklace he’s sporting, but something about these photos just makes me wanna roll the guy around in buffalo sauce and save him for Superbowl Sunday. It could also be his feet:

Wearing heels will do that to a gal! (My grandmother’s feet form perfect Vs.)

More pics of Lil Stevie ahead! I want to party with him.

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Swinger Dogs Looking Forward To Tonight’s Key Party

My internet pal Claire Zulkey (who is almost more of an internet sister) has passed along this compilation video of dogs in swings, set to just about the most upbeat music I’ve ever laid ears on. If The Artist won Best Picture simple for great music, a cute dog, and a flimsyish love story, then give this Youtube video all the Oscars because it has allll that and small dog legs sticking out of plastic underwear holes. It is, in short, a masterpiece.

Ahead, another internet friend Gretchen Scott reminds us of a classic dogs in a swing video ahead.

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The 20 Craziest Things For Sale At Costco

As someone who loves gigantic airplane hangars full of food as well as highly exclusive clubs that hand out food in small paper cups, Costco is basically my bulky heaven. But what you may not realize about Costco is that, past their turkey wraps and giant 5 year supply boxes of Tampax Pearls, there is a bevy of other sh*t they sell that will likely blow your mind. Here are 20 of those items.

20. Four person 6-Month Supply of Canned Food. Y3K is right around the corner. (Note: I tried to find the clip in speed where Keanu Reeves says “caaaans” and it’s not on Youtube. For the first time ever, the internet has completely failed me.)

[Photo: Costco]

19. A Greenhouse. Your pot isn’t gonna grow itself.

[Photo: Costco]

18. A $2.3 million 18.88 Carat Diamond Yes, that’s right: Costco is selling a diamond for 2.3 million — down a whole million dollars from 3.3! The perfect gift for the thrifty ghost of Liz Taylor.

[Photo: Costco]

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The Three Horsefaces Of The Apocalypse

Here is Barry Manilow, Marilyn Manson and his new supposed squeeze Lana Del Rey posing for a photograph together. Gawker is reporting that, in a bid to make sure my vagina stops working forever, Marilyn Manson has been putting the ol’ albino beefwhistle in Lana’s Del Rey. So when you’re daydreaming at work today waiting for the weekend, be sure to picture Marilyn dropping trou, exposing his snow white manpart (likely also wearing large sunglasses), and then claw nails touching it in the same manner she pats her hair. That image alone has me singing this tune.

ps BARRY MANILOW?! Love, Mich.

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Prince Charles Attempts Basket To The Tune Of Encouraging Laughter

Prince Charles is in Stockholm, Sweden this week because, sure, why not. While there, he stopped by the Fryshuset Youth Centre (“Like Ikea But With Hoops!”) to show off his sweet basketball skills. Good thing some professionals were there standing close behind, egging him on with encouraging laughter. His amazing skills are hilarious!

[Photo: Getty]

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Goodbye Colton, You Dirty Son Of A Bitch

Here’s a dirty little secret of mine: I love Survivor. Like LOVE. No one I know watches it other than my parents and my dear friend Norman Baker, and no matter how I try to convince people that it’s probably the most satisfying show on TV and that Jeff Probst is a MENSA-level reality show host, people don’t bite. To which I saw “their loss” while shielding myself from the Rains of Los Angeles under a tarp I bought at Fred Segal in my backyard and eating hummus with my hands.

This season — the 24th if you can imagine — has been hit or miss. There are two grizzly old men named Tarzan on it, a handsome little person, some hot dumb guys, and a bunch of women who are, simply put, simple. Out of all the Survivors sent to that island, there has been only one person who has been a single source of controversy, entertainment, loathing, hilarity, disgust, and strategy. And his name is Colton Cumbie.

How to describe Colton? Well, for starters, he’s a son of a bitch. Moving on, he’s a gay Southern rich unathletic Republican who doesn’t believe in handouts but readily accepts them when available and who has some black friends who he admits were actually just “the help.” He’s genuinely just the worst. And yet, from the very beginning, he’s been the only one actually playing the game. In the worst way possible? Clearly. But at least SOMEONE IS DOING SOMETHING.

As the weeks progressed, it was become all to clear that Colton was the strongest player in the game, due to his immunity idol and the fact that he was completely vile inside and out. Even the way he bullied Christine this week brought me back to my own worst times in middle school.

I honestly didn’t know how many more weeks I could put up hateful extreme terribleness, and it looks like God up on high didn’t know either. Because this week A DIVINE MIRACLE occurred when God struck down his mighty brilliance and gave Colton a debilitating case of appendicitis. There he was, our little Southern devil boy, crouched over with the cold sweats, while weirdly, Christine (?!) sat comforting him. It was DELICIOUS. And it seemed as quickly as we decided to hate him with every ounce of energy in our being, he was whisked off to an emergency room to get his appendix removed, thus ending his time on the island. (Rumor has it he’ll be back next season, so that’ll be fun.) About his early departure, Colton says “I feel like Natasha Beddingfield. The rest is still unwritten. I want to go back and write it.” (See? He sucks.)

Now what? Now that Colton is gone, what do we do? Other than pray Alicia is the next to go? As much as I wanted him to suffer, I also enjoyed the Colton’s public vilification that went down every week. Weirdly? I’m gonna miss the son of a bitch. (I still hope he suffers, don’t get me wrong.)

For those of you who missed his sting on Survivor, please I beg you to watch this Youtube tribute to him called “Worst Person Ever.” It’s pretty much everything you need to know…

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American Idol Covers Billy Joel, And Not One Person Sings “Downeaster Alexa”

Recently, I have self-diagnosed myself with vocal polyps following a few singing related incidents. It all started about 2 weeks ago, while on vacation in my hometown of Miami, when me and a few friends found ourselves stuck in standstill traffic with nothing more than a live Elton John concert on 101.5 Lite FM. Down the windows of my father’s sensible sedan went, as we serenaded passerby from a nearby Heat game to a whiff of our “Philadelphia Freedom.” That night was vocal mistake #1.

Mistake #2 came a few days later when I sang Billy Joel’s “Honesty” alone to myself in my car, and I swear to God, nailed it. Sorry American Idol‘s Hollie Cavanagh, but you have nothing on the brilliance that sailed out of my mouth in my Mercury Milan.

In short: I am now like a much less famous Adele when it comes to polyps and polyps only (and eyeliner).

These opening paragraphs about my personal life have veerrrrrrry little to do with this week’s American Idol theme of Billy Joel. Sadly, Billy himself wasn’t there to help mentor our young contestants, but thankfully, producers went with the next logical choice: Puff Daddy and Motown legend Tommy Hilfiger.

We’re down to 10 contestants this week, and Tommy was on hand to give everyone makeovers!!! And by everyone, I mean Tommy was on hand to give Erika Van Pelt a makeover. Seriously. She was the only contestant who got any sort of makeover at all, the only one shown at the salon. Great for her self-esteem I’m sure. The result?

She’s Kris Jenner now. Despite the fact that she was morphed into the post-menopausal mother of the Kardashian Krew, she actually did look better. Great job Tommy Hilfiger!

The episode was sort of disappointing, mainly because of song choice. I mean Billy has uh-soooo many amazing songs, and somehow, these contestants went out of their way to pick some of my least faves. I mean, no Leningrad? No Downeaster Alexa??? 9-year-old me won’t have it.

Let’s quickly go over the performances, shall we? Note that I only truly care about two of the contestants, Jessica Sanchez and Joshua Ledet, who, in a perfect world, would have a small ethnically ambiguous baby who cries like this.

1. DeAndre Brackensick “Only The Good Die Young.” For starters, this is my first time every typing out the kid’s full name, and I hate to say it, but Brackensick, you’re not gonna take the competition with a stage name like that. (Might I suggest this as a replacement name.) He’s a sweet kid with a good heart but I’m kind of over the whole hair down Carlton dance move, which funny enough, is his only move. Also it’s very hard for me to take any man who bears a resemblance to Rebecca Gayheart seriously. Overall, he’ll stay til next week, and I really hope he brings some church back into his songs Ledet style.

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Let’s Watch Michael Fassbender Eat A Taco

Michael Fassbender stopped at one of LA’s many delicious taco stands on his way to LAX today. While there, he ate a taco. This is the GIF of his story.

I particularly like the “post-bite pushing up of the sunglasses” move.

[Photo: Splash]