Posts By Michelle COLLINS

Did you know that a naturally occurring molecule in your body has the same name as 1 out of every 30 teamsters? (The rest are named Pauly.) Well, it’s true! Your body contains a chemical called Sam-E, short for S-Adenosyl methionine, which helps to regulate your mood. It also sounds kind of like the Disney movie Wall-E, and who doesn’t like that? Nobody, that’s who.

And if the idea of an little molecule that looks like Short Circuit with a mustache floating around in our body sounds adorable, you’re right, it is. Which is why, as age begins to set in on your tired, weathered face, and turn your hands into veritable skinclaws, and your forehead into a flesh washboard, SamE just sort of gives up and stops reproducing itself. And you? You turn into an unhappy old bitch. Rightfully so. But hey, don’t blame me… blame science. Blame science for the fact that you’re a bitter middle aged woman with a life full of regrets and just a handful of obnoxious children and mammograms to show for yourself.

But what’s this? Ah yes, Sam-E supplementals, pills that actually regulate your Sam-E levels so that you don’t become the most hated person in your office/family/carpool/yoga class! And even better? The Sam-E infomercial. In it, three frown-hearted sisters are back to laughing it up again thanks to this miracle drug. Daughter turning into a gothy slut? Don’t bother these ladies none. Dog smear his shit-claws across your newly cleaned white suit? That darned mutt! Laugh it on off. You’ve got Sam-E in your system now. And, from the look and sound of it, lots and lots and lots of meth and wine and smack and lithium.

We haven’t seen acting this convincing since the classic International Coffees commercial. Seriously, was Kristen Wiig busy? She woulda been perf:

We’re guessing 99.9 percent of the actors used in the following spot are Scientologists. Don’t ask us why, it’s just a hunch.

Can anyone identify this hot piece of A spotted with Billy Ray Cyrus?

This woman is roughly one millions times more interesting than Miley Cyrus. Dear Disney — keep your eye on this one. I see major merchandising opportunities, specifically with Cazal glasses and Miller’s Combs* — “We put the teeth in your smile.”

(Not an actual comb company.)

• A fan was arrested after jumping onto the stage of a Britney Spears concert. Not to hurt the singer, just to tuck her tampon string back in.
• Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard got married this weekend at a ceremony in Italy. And somewhere, a hyphen is crouched in the corner, hiding, fearing that the worst has yet to come.
• David Hasselhoff was rushed to the hospital after passing out from alcohol poisoning. No hamburgers were harmed.
• Former American Idol contestant Michael Johns (yes, the hot foreign one) has offered to be Susan Boyle’s first kiss. Me? I’m busy coloring my eyebrows together and buying costumes from the Mrs. Doubtfire prop sale, keeping my chubby little stubby fingers crossed.
• And in sad news, American Idol winner David Cook’s brother passed away from cancer this weekend. Our thoughts are with his family.

If I were to ever write fan fiction starring me alongside actor and notorious G.I.L.F. Jeremy Irons (not that I’m saying I have… I haven’t. So I sleep with a smoking jacket in bed, is that even your business? It is?? Who do you think are you, Jeremy Irons? Oh, Mr. Irons, I’m so sorry, forgive me. [hands back jacket]), that fan fiction would definitely involve mimosas, cigarettes, brunch and loosely buttoned dress shirts. So imagine my delight to find these photos of Mr. Irons which incorporates nearly everything pictured in this fantasy… everything except for my idiot grin perched delicately on the lapels of his priceless sportcoat:

I sent this link to a friend, who said “What’s the opposite of a pedophile? A gereophile? That’s what you are. A gereophile.”

To which I responded, “Oh, really, would an old man ride a motorcycle while wearing ankle boots? Well… would he??”

Oh.

More hotness ahead.

Read more…

Might we suggest you watch the following video while listening to Lady Gaga’s “Boys Boys Boys“. Or, if that isn’t readily available, Buster Pointdexter‘s “Hot Hot Hot“:

His legs look like buffalo wings, no? (via Buzzfeed)

Yet another American Idol controversy is Jim Brewin, this time involving the seemingly innocent 16 year old contestant Allison Iraheta. While on stage Allison appears shellshocked by the attention being lavished on her by the AI judges and fans, it looks like it’s all just an act. Allison has actually already participated in a megahit televised singing competition at the age of 15, on, of all networks, Telemundo.

So why the controversy? Well sweet, awkward Allison actually won the competition, and along with the title and $50,000, she also got a recording contract. Now people are accusing Idol producers of planting her on the show, and some want her disqualified.

Wanna know what we think? We think she sorta sucked back then. Like really sucked. And we think she’s good now. We also think she’s a fine actress and feel duped by her sorta-aspergeryness. Here is Allison butchering Total Eclipse of the Heart during the show’s finale:

Raise your hand if you feel duped!

(**This week, The Original M really outdid himself (herself?), earning 5 of the top 25 spots.)

25. The Original M

24. marin8it

23. jodie

Read more…

Lindsay Lohan’s new spray tan line is apparently reason enough to roll out the red carpet (oh, the innuendo!), as Sephora debuted the product with “adequit” fanfare yesterday. And you know? For those of you interested in resembling Lindsay Lohan or The Trashy Devil, this spray tan looks like it delivers:

Or you could just smear some clay all over your body and hit the clubs Apocalypto-style.

Hi Guys,

This week, I’m sitting down for an interview with actress of the stage and screen Melora Hardin, better known as Jan Levinson-Gould, to chat about all the amazing projects she’s working on — including her directorial debut, a movie called You.

We know how many of you out there are fans of Melora’s, so we figured we’d open up the floor and accept your questions. So… what would you like to ask Melora?? Send your questions to tips@bwe.tv, and you might make it into the interview!

Until then, check out the website for Melora’s film, You. But keep the tissues handy. It’s a good way to test if your ducts are working properly.

Michelle

Just when we thought it would be another slow news day, the following product came to our attention via the good people over at Pophangover. It’s called the “The Cuchini Pad”, and it bills itself as “a comfortable, light-weight material that smoothes the ridges of a woman’s mons pubis area, eliminating what is commonly known as Camel Toe.” And if you love seeing camels wearing makeup and bikinis, let us assure you The Cuchini website has a little something for everyone — even a celebrity cameltoe gallery (really Cuchini? That’s low, even for you, a cameltoe eraser). A camel even blows you a kiss!

Cuchini claims to do so many things:

1. Smoothes the ridges of a woman’s mons pubis area.
2. Keeps undergarments clean.
3. Can be used with or without underwear.

First of all, maybe Congress should start worrying less about swine flu and the economy and start focusing more on banning the term “mons pubis”, because seriously, even Latin sex ed teachers can’t spit that one out. But also, #3. #3…. WHY WOULD YOU WEAR SOMETHING LIKE THIS WITHOUT UNDERWEAR? Just pop it into a pair of jeans and hope it doesn’t slip down the leg during your average work day? And what if you’re out at a club, wearing your best polyester fringe pants with nary a camel’s toe in sight, and some gentleman caller comes back to your house with you to pay you for sex. What the AITCH is he going to think when the pants come off and he’s staring at some sort of castrated Ken crotch? WHAT THEN?

Even worse? It costs $15. $15! To erase a cameltoe, which some people would call priceless! Let’s be honest here: If you really wanted to get rid of a little harmless c-toe, you could put plenty of things in your underwear to block its appearance. Toss a Lands End catalog in your p’s; throw a couple of socks down there; use an old flip-flop or pair of Adidas shower shoes; even better? Drop an old cell phone in front of your beefseat for two. All of these common household items will easily blog c-toe, not to mention save you money better spent on hand-beaded thongs.

But you know, we don’t want to put an end to Cuchini’s soon-to-be-bustling business. We fully support the idea of all cameltoes being erased, especially if Cuchini would be willing to shell out some vagbucks and put out a late night infomercial to promote its product. Picture it: “Does this ever happen to you?” (Cut to a woman losing her keys inside of her cavernous cameltoe, and then blowing the bangs out of her eyes.) “Do you ever find yourself doing this?” (Woman tries to open can using cameltoe, but it barely works and she gets baked bean juice all over her pants. She then blows the bangs out of her eyes.) Well then you need “CUCHINI!” (Cut to woman finding her keys on her lap and opening the can of beans A-OK.)

I’d plunk down $15 if it meant I could open a can of beans with my chatch, I’m not gonna lie to ya. And be honest: How many of you are busy ordering this right now?