Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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What Do You Get The Suicidal Person Who Has Everything?

cheers to you.JPGLadies and gentlemen, it is my GREAT PLEASURE to bring to you the following infomercial sent to us by reader Greg E.: “Cheers to You!”, a CD of straight-up applause and praise. For the low, low price of $24.95, just pop this CD in, put your headphones on, sit back in your jizz-stained La-z-Boy, and pretend it’s YOU hitting that homerun out of the Yankee Stadium; pretend it’s YOU winning the Best Actor Oscar; pretend it’s YOU finally earning the love and respect of your father, who never once said “I love you, son.”

At first, I was all “25 bucks for a CD? No thank you.” But then I was all “Oh snap! That sh*t comes with affirmity tokens?!?!? Yes, hello, operator? I’ll take three, yo!

That, or I’ll just play this video from :25-:28 on loop FOREVER.

PLEASE WATCH THIS.

You wanna know the honest truth? If I WAS on the verge of suicide, I actually think this CD would pull me through my darkest hour. In fact, next time a friend threatens to kill him or herself, tell them they need the help of a suicide specialist, and give them this number: 888-924-3379. Yup: That’s the number for The Good Cheer Company. They will thank you (possibly from the afterlife, but still.)

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KOSHER PROSTATE: Holiday Delicacy or Tasteless PSA?

The following CBS Cares Public Service Announcement actually aired on live television today. First, take 15 seconds out of your day to watch this:

Yes, this PSA is encouraging you to buy (or perform) a prostate exam for your Jewish loved one as a Hanukkah gift. Which, let’s face it, is a very practical and yid appropriate gift. As a Jew myself, I just don’t know how to feel. On the one ball, it’s great that they’re getting prostate awareness out there to the public.

On the other ball, why’s it gotta be a Jewish prostate? There are plenty of unhealthy gentile prostates to go around as well. This might be the first time in my life that I might actually believe in some sort of Jewish conspiracy. And you know what? My people want no part of it. Let us ALL check the prostates of our loved ones this holiday season.

To be fair, I hope they run a companion PSA in a week’s time starring Taint Nicholas. Or maybe CBS could just sponsor a mass mailing of my favorite Christmas tree ornament ever.

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E-MAIL THIS TO YOUR MOM: 10 Baby Panda Pics

In our latest series of posts that will brighten your Mother’s (and frankly, anyone’s) day, we are pleased to bring you these photos of THIRTEEN (!) baby pandas just hangin’ around their play pen at the China Giant Panda Protection and Research Center (i.e. your ideal work place.) These little guys are something of a miracle pandas, as they are the first pandas born since the devastating earthquake that ravaged the Sichuan province in China on May 12.

As though that’s not already enough to tug at mother’s heartstrings, JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THEIR FACES. And FEET.

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Remember how every now and again on the hit show ALF, they’d actually pan out and show you a body shot of the ALF puppet walking? And even though secretly you knew there was a little dwarf inside, the site of his furry legs was enough to keep you glowing for days? Well, something about this little guy has me not-so-convinced that it’s actually just a dwarf in a baby panda costume. FUR PANTS.

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If ever my eyes were to be scratched out by a deadly bear, let it be this one.

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DO NOT E-MAIL THIS TO YOUR MOM: Skinned Reindeer

Many of you are familiar with the Body Worlds Exhibition, a “a traveling exhibition of preserved human bodies and body parts that are prepared using a technique called plastination to reveal inner anatomical structures.” Personally, seeing the stringy innards of some poor shmo who donated his body to science isn’t my post-brunch cup of tea, but the show has done good business around the world.

Well, to celebrate the Christmas season, the good people at Body Worlds have put together a heartwarming holiday display that you most definitely should NOT send to your mother… A SKINNED REINDEER:

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The caption stated: “The preserved reindeer is part of scientist Dr. Gunther von Hagens’ exhibition.” (Shaking fist at sky) Oh Dr. Gunther von Hagens, you have done it again good sir! (Madame? Anyway.)

Let’s take a closer look: (It’s worth it…)

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WORDS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D TYPE: Celine Dion Upskirt Photos

Oh Celine. Why? WHY? Not you… ANYONE BUT YOU.

My favorite person in the world Celine Dion let her underthings fly at a recent concert, and unluckily, photographers were there to snap the action. Admittedly, the photo is worlds more ladylike that the Britney roast beef pics of the same ilk from last year. But still: Celine Dion is a woman of class, not a woman of ass. This is like someone snapping a pic of Robert Redford’s balls, i.e. NOT RIGHT.

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Because we are too ladylike to post the ACTUAL photo, head over to this website (NSFW) for a scarring look.

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“How Dare You?” with Michelle Collins: TONIGHT

Michelle How Dare You Logo copy2.jpgJust a friendly reminder: My live talk show spectacular “CBS/NYC Presents: How Dare You? with Michelle Collins” premieres tonight at NYC’s Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater at 8 PM, with special guests Julia Stiles and Stephen Baldwin. Now, I realize a lot of you (a lot = 3 or 4 on a good day) would give anything to be at this show, but just can’t make the trek out to New York. I understand… and feel your pain.

So to ease the internal tension that must be crushing you right now, I’ve decided to give you a little preview as to the fun that will be had at tonight’s show. Here is the credits sequence. A little something that will kick off the show and (read in your best midwestern accent) “set the mood.” Believe you me: SIT THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. And feel free to actually clap at the end, no matter where you are. Much like Santa’s sleigh on the end of Elf, I feel the love in spirit.

Also, for fun, turn your work volumes to HIGH.

With great thanks to friend and credits creator Stephen Fagen.

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GOOD EVENING PRIME MINISTER: Meet Jens Stoltenber

For the past few months in this country, American ladies have, for the most part, fallen in love with our hot new Prez, Barack Obama. But just when you are convinced that the future leader of the free world is easily the hottest world leader in the new millennium, leave it to NORWAY to take out title away from us.

Meet Jens Stoltenber:

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Whether or not he’s related to Rose on The Golden Girls is not the point. The point is: This man is hot. And smart! He was educated at the Oslo katedralskole, which, from what I hear, is like the Harvard of Scandinavia. Honestly, we haven’t felt this strongly about anyone since Monsignor Georg Gänswein.

After the jump, a rare photo of Jens as a boy, dressed as either a janitor or as Ewan McGregor in Shallow Grave.

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TRAILER MIX: Can Someone Please Explain What Is Happening In This Jessica Biel Stripping Trailer?

Do you know how sometimes a movie trailer can try to be so artsy that you actually have no idea what the movie is about? Meet the trailer for Powder Blue, a movie already made famous in a way as it features Jessica Biel playing a sleazy stripper. Well, the trailer is out, and having watched it twice, we still have absolutely no idea what it’s about. From what we can tell, Jessica Biel plays a stripper, the still hot Ray Liotta is training for a marathon, and Forest Whittaker plays a disbled man obsessed with snow.

I’m still not sure if this is a movie trailer or the latest Snow Patrol single. But hey — if you want to see Biel looking .0001 percent less boring than she does in person, be sure to watch.

Leave your best guesses as to this film’s plot in the comments.

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“3 Signs You’re Doing It Right” By Liza Minnelli

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1. Following your big Broadway performance, reenter the stage with your best foot forward. Even though you’re wearing a red sequinned palazzo pants suit, sneak up on the audience, so as to surprise them with your Wizard of Oz shoed presence.

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2. You’ve been spotted! Collapse into a glitterball of undying gratitude. Your legs say “I don’t deserve it! Not me! I can’t take it!”, while your outstretched arms say “I’ll take all the love you have to give.”

The third and most scarring sign, ahead.

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