Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Watches Wage War On Andy Rooney’s Wrist Hairs

Week in, week out, frail windbag Andy Rooney dons his best 3-day-old shirts and is inexplicably given a glorious few minutes on CBS’ 60 Minutes to tell us what’s on his mind. (His mind, it should be noted, resembles a bowl of Quaker Oats Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal heated in the microwave for 60 seconds too long.)

This week, the subject of Rooney’s stale ire is watches. As in WRISTWATCHES. It’s a segment about how people really care a whole lot about watches. Whatever you do, do not mistake Rooney for a fancy man. Nope — he’s a man who likes a cheap watch, leather strap, face facing down, big numbers, no diamonds.

Rooney doesn’t like metal bands at all. The music kind or the rip his wrist hairs out kind.

Watch it here. You will hug your young, functioning brain afterwards.

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J*zz In My Pants is Jazziest J*zz Jam of 2008

ANDY SAM JIZZ.jpgIf you’re an 8th grader like myself, then perhaps you were lucky enough to catch the following SNL Digital Short live at 12:40 am on Saturday night, “J*zz In My Pants”. The short features regular player Andy Samberg and SNL writer/Project Runway‘s Jeffrey Sebelia lookalike Jorma Taccone, both looking fly as ever, picking up models at clubs and former Sopranos stars at supermarkets as per usual.

The only problem? As you will so explicitly see… they tend to prematurely j*zz their pants. To a seriously hot beat, no less.

No, really: If this song didn’t say the word j*zz so much, it would have the potential of being a serious club hit, and dare I say one of my trademarked Top Jams of 2008. But because using the word j*zz and “jam” in the same sentence is not only crude but, dare I say, unladylike, I’ll keep things as clean as a bedside kleenex: “J*zz In My Pants” is this winter’s “D*ck in a Box”. Watch and Discuss.

Did anyone else find their j*zz faces endearing and almost hot? Only me. Mmmmbye.

And Y208 ALERT: You can now say j*zz on TV! Even though we have to asterisk the sh*t out of it on the blog, we’ll throw out an Amen for open-mindedness.

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Not Guffman, We No Longer Wait For Thee

NOT GUFFMAN.jpgPaul Benedict, one of the most well known character actors in television history, was found dead in his Martha’s Vineyard home last week at only 70 years old. Most people of a certain (middle) age remember him as the hilarious English neighbor Harry Bentley on The Jeffersons, always popping by much to Sherman Helmsley‘s trademarked chagrin. Other folks, those with children mostly, will recall his work on Sesame Street in the 1970′s as “The Mad Painter”, painting the town blue with numbers 0 through 9 with a smile stretched across his broad, honest face.

But to me, Paul Benedict will always be remembered as “The Guffman That Wasn’t” from the Christopher Guest mockumentary Waiting for Guffman. In the film, the cast of aspiring actors waits as a Broadway producer named Mr. Guffman is set to arrive for the big show. Eventually (after the “Covered Wagons” number) Guffman — played by Benedict — does arrive, sits in his reserved seat, and has a jolly old time. Once the Blaine musical has ended, Corky St. Clair pulls Guffman backstage to ask if they have a shot on Broadway, to which Guffman replies that yes, he thinks they do.

Of course, as cult fans of the movie know, Paul Benedict is not, in fact, Guffman, but the rather plainly named Roy Loomis (named after Robert Redford‘s character in War Hunt), who just happened to arrive late for the show. It’s a small part, surely, but a necessary one: Roy Loomis is as close to Broadway as the “Red, White and Blaine” cast ever got. Plus, he got to take some pretty snazzy balloons home for his kids.

So here’s to Paul Benedict: Wacky neighbor, sweet soul, and “Not Guffman” (as the credits indicate.)

After the cut, our favorite Mad Painter sketch. (Hint: It’s the number 8.)

Read more…

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Would a Lame Duck Throw Down Shocking Gang Signs Like This?

In a clear sign that President Bush feels extremely jealous of incoming Prez. Barack Obama, he decided to throw down the following gang sign while posing with members of the Arizona State University Men’s and Women’s Track Team.

Which leads us to ask: Would a Lame Duck Throw Down Gang Signs Like This?

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The answer is, in fact, the Lamest Duck.

The Graney and the Pig blog points out that not only is Bush possibly a “Crip”, but he’s also giving us “The Shocker.”

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BEST HERO EVER: It’s a Dog Save Dog World

Warning: Get the Kleenex ready.

Here’s why: A dog gets hit by a car on a busy highway. And somehow, another dog, replete with angel wings and an adorable mug, swoops in in a heroic fashion and SAVES THE DOG’S LIFE. It’s like an adorably heart-breaking game of Frogger — Dogger? — with an excellent payoff. Both dog’s live!

Still, some of you might find the footage disturbing… so fair warning before you click play.

(And don’t ask me to tell you what the announcer is saying, as my Spanish is muy sh*tty.)

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Times Are Tough, Even For Wax George Clooney

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You know the economy is a lifeless fish belly-up in the water when the f**king WAX MUSEUM has to give celebrities different jobs. Madame Tussauds in Berlin claims they’re just dressing up their wax figures up in Santa gear to celebrate the holidays, but just looks at George Clooney’s expression above. That’s the face of a wax man who has just spent all day getting barfed on in Sears. Those glass eyes… how they would cry silicon tears if they could.

After the jump, find out which celebrities faces the world ass backwards, holiday season or not.

Read more…

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While You Were Awkwardly Laughing In Shock While Hiding Your Zune

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  • Just when you think that it’s quite possible Obama is some sort of miracle God sent from the heavens, we learns something about him that quickly brings him back down to our level. Example? He uses a Zune.
  • Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes an engagement ring after the first date. No word if that was before or after she signed the contract.
  • #100 on this list might be enough to make me quit the business. Then again, I’m hungover and in a bitter mood, so it could just be a phase.
  • Did I mention?: I’m pretty hungover right now. So much so that I would GLADLY eat this Gingerbread camera (and then immediately throw it all back up, but still.)
  • And it wouldn’t be a vommy Friday morning without a blind item about moobs, would it?