Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Would a Lame Duck Throw Down Shocking Gang Signs Like This?

In a clear sign that President Bush feels extremely jealous of incoming Prez. Barack Obama, he decided to throw down the following gang sign while posing with members of the Arizona State University Men’s and Women’s Track Team.

Which leads us to ask: Would a Lame Duck Throw Down Gang Signs Like This?

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The answer is, in fact, the Lamest Duck.

The Graney and the Pig blog points out that not only is Bush possibly a “Crip”, but he’s also giving us “The Shocker.”

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BEST HERO EVER: It’s a Dog Save Dog World

Warning: Get the Kleenex ready.

Here’s why: A dog gets hit by a car on a busy highway. And somehow, another dog, replete with angel wings and an adorable mug, swoops in in a heroic fashion and SAVES THE DOG’S LIFE. It’s like an adorably heart-breaking game of Frogger — Dogger? — with an excellent payoff. Both dog’s live!

Still, some of you might find the footage disturbing… so fair warning before you click play.

(And don’t ask me to tell you what the announcer is saying, as my Spanish is muy sh*tty.)

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Times Are Tough, Even For Wax George Clooney

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You know the economy is a lifeless fish belly-up in the water when the f**king WAX MUSEUM has to give celebrities different jobs. Madame Tussauds in Berlin claims they’re just dressing up their wax figures up in Santa gear to celebrate the holidays, but just looks at George Clooney’s expression above. That’s the face of a wax man who has just spent all day getting barfed on in Sears. Those glass eyes… how they would cry silicon tears if they could.

After the jump, find out which celebrities faces the world ass backwards, holiday season or not.

Read more…

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While You Were Awkwardly Laughing In Shock While Hiding Your Zune

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  • Just when you think that it’s quite possible Obama is some sort of miracle God sent from the heavens, we learns something about him that quickly brings him back down to our level. Example? He uses a Zune.
  • Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes an engagement ring after the first date. No word if that was before or after she signed the contract.
  • #100 on this list might be enough to make me quit the business. Then again, I’m hungover and in a bitter mood, so it could just be a phase.
  • Did I mention?: I’m pretty hungover right now. So much so that I would GLADLY eat this Gingerbread camera (and then immediately throw it all back up, but still.)
  • And it wouldn’t be a vommy Friday morning without a blind item about moobs, would it?

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SHOW ALERT: “How Dare You? with Michelle Collins” Now a Reality

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(Above, me laying a dinosaur egg in The Real World: Brooklyn phone room. Not the Mama?)

If you happen to be in or around the New York area next Wednesday, December 10, perhaps you’ll want to drop by the UCB Theater at around 8. Because it is then that I will make my live talk show debut, as the host of “How Dare You? with Michelle Collins.” And, if you can believe it, I’ve convinced ACTUAL CELEBRITIES to be my guests! Those celebrities include:

The always delightful and endlessly charming Julia Stiles, who has agreed to reveal things that might not even be true (I just made this up, but I’m sure she’ll reveal things if prodded)… and

Stephen Baldwin! Professional actor, Apprentice star and all-around nice guy, Stephen is the youngest of the esteemed “Baldwin Brothers” clan. You might remember us from The Mike and Juliet Show a couple of weeks ago. We had so much fun the first time around, we figured “Let’s take it to the big stage!” And here we are.

Please come! All people and agents and managers are invited. It will be fun. I “promise”. Info:

UCB THEATER
307 W. 26th Street
btwn. 8th & 9th Ave.


Wednesday, 12/10
8 PM

TICKETS ARE ONLY $5!!! Reserve them here!

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THIEVES: Company Ganks Tim Gunn’s Manx

MANX TIM GUNN.jpgA few weeks ago, we told you a little known secret about America’s most beloved best dressed male Tim Gunn. One of his many unfulfilled dreams in life was to create Manx, a male version of the body slenderizing Spanx products for women. Whereas Spanx reshape a lumpy derrier and smooth out any and all bellyfolds, Manx would flatten any visible moob and, hopefully, pump up the groinroom. Good ol’ Tim was looking out for his fellow species; and it seems that somebody was listening.

BECAUSE NOW MANX IS REAL.

Meet Equmen’s core precision undershirt, a product being billed as Spanx for Men. For about $100, you too can look a little slimmer, though by the author’s own account, is seems that Spanx for Men are wayyyy more painful than the female version:

I manage to plunge myself into its flapping mouth. Several moments of flailing, grunting and yelping, and I’m in. Actually, no, not quite. Wrinkles of fabric are twisting up my arms, there are air pockets of fabric below my armpits and I’m trying not to fart. Which isn’t surprising, for where’s my stomach meant to go? My breathing is rapid and short, like a hunted creature’s. I’ve pulled on a size large, but according to the Equmen fitting table, I could equally have gone for a medium, my actual size, to “maximise results”. What, total asphyxiation?

Who knew men wearing Spanx needed a safe word?

So a tip to you, young readers: If you see some fine guy who just happens to pass out at a bar, chances are he is wearing a girdle. Here is a photo of the product:

Read more…

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GUESS WHO: Name The Last Person You Would Expect to See at a Grace Jones Concert.

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Last night, as part of the swanky Art Basel festivities in my hometown of Miami Beach, Florida, Audi sponsored a concert headlined by the inimitable Grace Jones (as in literally, no one can imitate her.) Jones was up to her typical corseted, masked antics. But in the audience, someone we would NEVER expect to see at a Grace Jones concert.

Can you guess who?

Answer after the jump.

Read more…

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DISCOVERY: Goats Sound Surprisingly Like Your Grandfather on the Telephone

Our fellow goat lover in crime Stephen Lenz over at Urlesque manages to brighten my life each day with various goat videos found all over the web. For God’s sake, there’s an actual goat tag on this very blog with more than one entry.

I’ve long been obsessed with goat teeth, which look almost exactly like human dentures. But little did I know that goats also SOUND like people. “Bleeting” is in fact code for “nagging old man.” Check out the following video of a confused goat, whose goat balls cause the filmmaker to lose her composure, leaving the goat confused and curious. The sounds that come out of his mouth will one day come out of your own mouth (once they put the catheter in)(spit three times)(but seriously).

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While You Were Feeling Like the Honorary 9th Member of “The Real World: Brooklyn” House

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  • Lil Wayne leads off the Grammy nominations with 8 noms, while Coldplay is following close behind with 7. On the brighter side, Grammy voters finally get it right and award Katy Perry zero one nomination. Congrats to her and her fans (seen in today’s comments section)
  • Anne Heche is pregnant. As always with Anne Heche, news that would have been a million times more exciting if she was still with Ellen.
  • Jennifer Aniston has stated that she “longs” to have a baby. Note to Jennifer Aniston: The world “longs” for you to just shut up already.
  • Heidi Montag’s mother has given her marriage to Spencer Pratt six months tops. Which leads me to wonder if this woman deserves to be a member of Obama’s cabinet.
  • And in depressing news, Mark Ruffalo’s brother Scott was shot in Beverly Hills this week. No words.