Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Miss California Staunchly Pro Opposite Marriage

GAY-MARRIAGE-SCANDAL.jpgThis weekend saw the return of America’s yearly parade of future Donald Trump wives, the Miss USA Pageant, where freshly browned blonde girls of all shapes and sizes parade years of starvation and mental motherly beatings for the chance at winning a fur coat and community college scholarship. (Ed. Note: Was that too bitter? My “B”.) Easily the best part of the competition is the “Questions” segment, where years of learning how to walk in a circle immediately go to waste and the contestants are forced to actually, you know… “think.”

Now, clearly no one could top the idiocy of Miss South Carolina’s answer in 2007 (which, for the record, has been viewed on Youtube almost 35 million f**king times), becaussuh summuh people out there in our nation like, such as, computer owners, and like the internet community, enjoy watching pretty rere’s suffer in the spotlight.

Admittedly, the following clip will delivery nowhere near the joygasms of South Carolina’s ploy to get people to donate to our public school system. But Miss California, who many pegged to take the crown, may have cost herself the victory after voicing her opinion on gay marriage. Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton — likely the most recognizable judge in attendance — asked her if she supported gay marriage, only to find out Miss California’s decidedly pro Opposite Marriage agenda:

 

 

Let this be a lesson to all future Miss USA contestants: Never, ever piss off the gays. Because they made you… and they will destroy you. Shouldn’t pageant girls know better? The gays run that show! Miss California deserved to lose the crown, if only for being Rere Retardo (and, also possibly such as a homophobe.)

(Image via The Daily Telegraph)

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Your Daily Dose of Vilanche

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Doctors recommend a minimum of 3 to 5 Vilanche doses a day to keep the vapors away. This is BWE.tv’s attempt to fulfill that quotient and keep our readers healthy, glowing, and Vilanchey. Above, Bruce Vilanche asking Willis what he’s talking about at the premiere of Peepshow in Las Vegas.

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Real World Dailies Nabs a Webby Nomination!

It’s a momentous day here at Viacom HQ, as our buddies over at Real World Dailies got word that they’ve been nominated for a Webby Award for Best Broadband Website! Real World Dailies brings you all the uncensored footage from the Real World: Brooklyn… you know… the stuff that’s “too hot for TV”? Like this clip, where Chet asks JD about sticking things into your backside opening:

The folks behind the website work their little tails off to bring you content daily, and so we are kindly asking that you head over to The Webby’s website to clock in your vote! Here’s how to do it:

Go to http://pv.webbyawards.com/, then click through the following categories: Entertainment –> Broadband –> (vote for) MTV’s Real World Dailies.

From all of us: Thanks!!

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Julia Stiles, As You’ve Never Read Her Before

JULIA STILES METS1.jpgJulia Stiles has worn many hats over the years: Actress, Writer, Director, Saver of the Last Dances, and, believe it or not, a friend*. But today ushers in an entirely new hat for Ms. Stiles… that of an old-timey journalist. Because today, Julia was published in, of all things, The Wall Street Journal, expounding on one of her favorite subjects… The New York Mets. Julia headed over to the Mets’ new home, Citifield, to report from the stands in her article debut entitled “Making New Memories”. Here’s what I took away from the piece: 1. That being a Mets fan is still the best underdoggish way to go; and 2. That Julia knows way, waaaaaay more about baseball than I, or anyone, ever thought possible for such a willowy blonde little thing:

Once again, the Yankees are harshing my mellow. When the Mets renovatedJULIA STILES METS.jpg their bullpen by adding J.J. Putz and Frankie Rodriguez, the Yankees had to trump them by snagging ace starter CC Sabathia for a record high, seven-year contract that is more than the Mets’ annual payroll. With all the excitement of a new ballpark, now Mets fans are forced to share bragging rights again, as Yankee Stadium is rebuilt for nearly twice as much money, and without the baggage of a bailed-out bank for its name.

(Quoted simply for J.J. Putz.)

Anyway, whether you are a fan of baseball or of Julia’s… or just a fan of not the Yankees, the article makes for a good read. Also, I found out Julia likes the band Rush… meaning I’ve got the perfect birthday gift all lined up.

*Though, after this, that friendship is in some serious limbo.

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KAZAAM!: Shaq Serves Oprah Warm Glass of Shut the Hell Up

The only person not threatened by controller of all things Earth-related Oprah Winfrey? Why, the King of Twitter himself, Shaquille O’Neal. Check out this feisty exchange, brought to our attention by the good people of Urlesque.com:

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This is basically every conversation every single person has ever had online with one of their parents. Well done, Shaqqy. Also, you’re through in this town. And somewhere, hogtied in a shoe closet, Steadman is trying his best to slow clap.

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So This Is Why I Am a Comedian

Last week, I had the pleasure of traveling home to Miami, Florida to partake in the yearly ritual known as “Cracker Eating with Jews.” During this surprisingly relaxing visit home, I took some time to flip through some old family photo albums, to relive what I remember as being a pretty happy childhood.

And then it all came flooding back:

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Me, above, 8. I don’t want to say what kind of syndrome it looks like I have, but it certainly isn’t the “up” kind.

Yes. The above image says so many things that words could simply never describe. Its very essence — the Urkel-spenders, Reeboks, 8-inch-long child crotch, bowling shirt — is what has shaped me as a comedian today. That, and years and years of child-on-child torment.

Seeing the photo, it occurred to me that I just couldn’t leave it all bottled up in some 20 year old album, but rather bring it to you, the readers, to learn from. The lesson? If you want your child to grow up funny, make sure he or she is the least popular person in school. I.e. Suspenders.

Ahead, a family portrait from my younger, Chinesier days, including an appearance from Mother Collins at her Dynasty-esque best!

Read more…

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Oh, To Be The Dog Peen That Humps John Stamos’ Leg

If you missed last night’s hilarious new episode of Free Radio on VH1 (and yes, they sort of pay me to say that, but it’s also true), then you missed watching a dog living out a life-long dream of my own: To hump the leg of Full House hunk John Stamos. Stamos, who clearly uses bacon grease to keep his tan a-shinin, goes from handsome sitcom actor to 6 foot tall beggin’ strip that no dog in their right bean-sized-mind wouldn’t hump. Set this mildly pornographic video to the latest track from BWE favorite Parry Gripp, and you’ve got the following music video… which we have dubbed “future wedding song”:

If you want to see more of the smoking hot Stamos, you can catch the full episode of Free Radio at http://freeradio.vh1.com, or catch it every week, Thursdays at 11 PM on VH1.

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While You Were Putting Candles In Your Volcano Cake

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  • Suri Cruise has turned 3 years old! Wow, and it seems like only yesterday that her mother was pregnant for 18 months.
  • I was thisclose to joining Twitter — something I’ve been putting off for many months — but then Ashton Kutcher went and did this, and once again, I’m like “Nah.”
  • Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel was wined and dined by the only caramalized apple I would ever consider bearing children with, Alex Rodriguez, in Miami. But it wasn’t a match! Apparently, Bethenny wasn’t “strippy” enough for him. Still, you know Kelly Killoren Bensimmon Ed is pissing her riding pants right about now.
  • OUT-BREAKING NEWS: Ali Lohan has the lip herp. She is her mother’s daughter/sister’s sister.
  • And in the strangest news story we’ve seen today, Elton John is expected at Andy Roddick’s wedding. We hope Roddick could use some Versace china, because clearly that is what he is getting.