Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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PROOF: Nicole Kidman’s Baby Is Real and Exists

Remember about a year ago, when it seemed that Nicole Kidman was pregnant with a ghost bump for somewhere around 13 to 15 months? Well, when we heard she “delivered” the “baby”, it’s safe to say we were skeptical.

But if these photos are to be believed, Nicole Kidman really and truly had a baby! A little girl named Sunday Rose. Aww. Here’s Nicole struggling through layers of face poison to kiss her child:

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Is it sad to say she has more wrinkles than her mother? Not only isn’t it sad, it’s joyous.

It goes without saying, Team Suri 4VR.

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Pet Greeting Cards Best Way To Wish Someone a Lonely Christmas

CRITTER CAROL 12345.jpgAre you still searching for that simple, enjoyable Christmas card that says “Hello, friend! Here’s to hoping your Christmas season is full of cheer! I know mine will be. Off to put knit a sweater for my hamster, put heels on the dog and cry myself to sleep in a pool of sad juice under the Christmas tree”?

Well then today is possibly the luckiest day of your life. Because the good people over at Purina (“Horsemeat so pure… it’s Purina“) have teamed up with Petcentric to create a brilliant application where YOUR PET becomes the star of his or her very own singing holiday e-card! That’s right: Upload a picture of your favorite dog or cat (don’t worry, I won’t tell the others! [audible gunshot into my forehead]), slap an animated mouth onto that sucker, and it’s personalized lonelytimes heaven!

Having just spent a solid 7 days with my morbidly obese cat Lutzy while visiting home, I decided to take the time to create his very own Xmas Card (even though he’s agnostic) using nothing but his unknowing, sleeping, sort of re-re face. You can see the final version after the jump, but be warned: It uses Autoplay. So turn those workplace volumes down…

And feel free to link to your own personalized cards in the comments section.

Read more…

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCES: Silent Night, Ripoff Night

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24 years ago, a horror flick entitled Silent Night, Deadly Night caused a major stir when it turned out the murderous villain was noneotherthan Santa Claus himself.

As though that wasn’t terrifying enough, now there’s a new twist on the old classic: Not only is Santa Claus the killer… but she’s also a whore. Enter Silent Night, Bloody Night, a straight-up rip-off of the 80′s cult classic, which not only features the original low budget special effects, but now has the added bonus of including 2 additional supporting actors, who we’re guessing go for about $5,000 for the pair.

If you take away anything from this post, please let it be that this is exactly the proof we needed to realize the world was out of ideas. As an additional bonus, check out the writer and director’s website, and copy and save the picture of Criss Angel holding his cat.

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Andy Rooney’s Bad Economy Tip #4: Steal Bread Whenever Possible

Andy Rooney, 60 Minutes’ resident crazy old man who shuffles around the halls with a bathrobe that’s always just a liiiittle too loose for comfort, managed to get on the airwaves this week with perhaps his most insane rant yet. You see, the economy is failing. And while Andy can’t make dollars and sense out of all that numerical bull hockey, what he CAN do is wear his shirts 3 days in a row. And steal bread. And make coffee. And shine shoes.

Dear God: If ever before you needed a reason to see how important it is that our economy get back on track, please, we beg you, watch this poor, lost old man try to make ends meet. And then take care of this sh*t already.

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While You Were Being Held Internet Hostage At Your Parents’ House

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  • If you ever find yourself stranded on a desert island with nothing but a raw steak and some condoms, fear not. Because if this website is to be believed, the only words we can think of saying to you is: Enjoy your steak.
  • Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY’S BONGO DRUMS!
  • William Balfour, the main suspect in the recent brutal slaying of Jennifer Hudson’s mother, brother and nephew, has finally been arrested for the attacks. It’s times like these that you really hope everything you see on Oz is true.
  • Barack Obama proves that his first name is serious as he bought a $30,000 diamond ring for wife Michelle. In a related story, guess which future President made sweet, dirty love all night long yesterday?
  • Planning a trip to Venice? Make sure to bring your rubber flood pants and to also just go ahead and cancel your trip.

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OPEN THREAD: Bad Economy Turns Black Friday Shoppers Into Major A**holes

BEST BUY PIC23.jpgOn Thursday, my father came home to announce that the Black Friday line outside of our local Best Buy was already in full force. ON THANKSGIVING DAY. He reported that there were probably 20 or so people sitting in lawn chairs, awaiting that glorious moment when, before dawn, the electronic doors would open to reveal a handful of televisions and laptops marked down to almost unheard of prices. We laughed at the insanity of others, and continued about with our pre-turkey self-basting rituals.

Many hours later, driving home from a delicious Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ friends home at around 11 PM, we had a great idea: Let’s drive by Best Buy and see just how many maniacs were lined up now. So, like a Boyz in the Hood drive-by, we shut the lights off of our aging ex-cruise-ship Lincoln Town Car, and did the “slow roll.” The line was MADNESS. At least 200 people sitting either on the concrete or in rickety beach chairs, arms folded, pissed, at roughly T minus 6 hours until bargain mayhem. A few pre-planners even had tents. This was serious business.

My Dad stopped the car near the front door, and I rolled down my window to get a better look. A couple of people shot us dirty looks. “Hi!” I beamed. No response. “How long have you guys been waiting?” Fire eyeballs shot out of angry slits. It was… awkward. They were, strangely, in not so amazing moods. So, without further annoyance, I took my camera out of bag to snap a photo of these jerk-offs. And, like a starlet who automatically flashes a smile with each passing flashbulb, a group of about 4 campers, without hesitation, gave me the middle finger.

I bring you that picture here… unedited (Note: The 4 extremely unattractive people directly in front of us who shot us the finger were sadly, not captured.):

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My Mom had the brilliant idea to drive the car back around and yell out of the window “Where do y’all sh*t?” But because the Collins’ love life, we opted against it. And thank God we did. Little did we know, Black Friday shoppers are literally animals.

OPEN THREAD TIME! We want to know: Did any of you wait on line or wake up at some ungodly hour to buy electronics? What sort of deals did you score? Tell us your stories/thoughts about Black Friday in the comments. We are bargain shoppers at heart, so feel free to impress us.

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Ivana Trump Seeks Lucky Number Five: Could It Be You?

IVANA AND HER MAN23.jpgBefore we go on, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you like older, foreign women?

2. Do you sleep on a bed made of emeralds, rhino spines and baby panda bones?

3. Does your name sound suspiciously fake/verrrry Italian?

4. Do you live in a building named after your name?

5. Does your hair force other people to vomit uncontrollably?

6. Do you enjoy dipping your balls in the salty ocean froth of the Amalfi coast?

If the answers to any of these question is “YES!”, then have we got some good news for you: Ivana Trump is single again.

Yes, Ivana, the ex-wife of the famously gaudy Donald Trump, is now seeking divorce from her fourth husband Rossano Rubicondi. This divorce flies in the face of the age old saying that “The more fun a man’s name is to say out loud, the more he will satisfy you both physically and emotionally.”

But there is hope for Ivana yet. At only 59 years of age, she’s got PLENTY of years of flipping her men over and shaking them for every last penny in her. And who knows? Maybe YOU could be the next Italian man with a photogenic beach shlong to sweep her off of her feet!

Tell us in the comments why Ivana should pick you to be her fifth husband. Feel free to link to photos of your own selves in speedos and post your home phone/fax numbers and yearly incomes. But please, don’t be all “what are you doing? who is this? police on line two.” if you happen to receive a call from any/all of your BWE.tv bloggers.

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Amazing Race Lesson #1: Never, Ever Lose Your Passport and Money

DALLAS AMAZING RACE2.jpgLast night, in one of the biggest Amazing Race upsets ever, frontrunng team Toni and her guido-but-sweet son Dallas Imbimbo (this is LITERALLY his name, which is Latin for “he with the Staten Island Hair”) were eliminated from the race, after Dallas left their passports and all of their money in a taxi cab in Moscow. I repeat: The guy left ALL OF THEIR MONEY AND THEIR PASSPORTS IN A CAB. It’s bad enough for this to happen in real life, or in a city, say, that isn’t Moscow. But on national television! Gel hats off to Dallas’ mother, who did not pummel him into a bloody coiffed mess once the horrible news was broken.

And sadly, their fate was sealed. They were so behind, in fact, that the adorable Phil had to take his leather-clad ass miles away from the Pit Stop to deliver the heartbreaking news.

More importantly, this mean’s that this season’s requisite “bumbling idiots”, Andrew and Dan, have now made it to the Top 3. Which should ensure a pretty entertaining albeit clumsy finale. (If you missed last night’s episode, check it out over at CBS.com)

Amazing Race Lesson #2? Never, Ever Take Nude Photos of Yourself.

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Oh, The Places Spaghetti Cat Will Go!

By now, you are more than familiar with Spaghetti Cat, the go to slide of a cat eating spaghetti used on The Mike & Juliet Show in lieu of your regular old “bleeps.” Well our besties over at Urlesque has brought us the following amazing music video entitled Spaghetti Cat (I Weep For You). It’s sort of a tribute video to an old friend, showing all the places that pasta-prone feline has gone. There he is on The Match Game! And why, look at our old friend as a member of The Supreme Court.

Please follow our friendly advice and watch this music video at your earliest convenience.

(Ed. Note: I feel compelled to share the following story. I’m still stuck in Miami on the tail end of a Thanksgiving parental visit. For personal computing purposes, my parents use a revamped Atari game console equipped with Solitaire v. 1 that just happens to also have AOL installed. This means that the simplest of blog posts takes no less than 78 hours. The good news is, my Dad bought a laptop, which is what I am currently using at a local Starbucks in a very Perez Hilton-esque fashion. What I DIDN’T realize was that, though my headphones were plugged in, the above video also happen to be simultaneously blasting out of the laptop speakers. You can imagine my confusion as the local coffee drinkers stared at me in horror as this catchy yet strange Spaghetti Cat song played at full volume no less than 4 times. As the saying goes, “Boy, was my face red.”

Off to watch Wu-Tang’s “Gravel Pit” on the highest of volumes, Michelle.)

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Meet The Italian Jonas Brothers

This weekend, Milan hosted the Italian Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. And wouldn’t you know it? But apparently every European country has their own version of The Jonas Brothers. Meet… Melody Fall:

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Now, it’s too soon to tell if it’s comforting that such miniature pants and idiotic vest combos are sold the world over, or absolutely soul crushing. Personally, I find it comforting.

Ahead, a few other Italian lookalikes! See what the Italian David Archuleta looks like, and find out how the ItalianPanic at the Disco/30 Seconds to Mars copycat group compares in douchiness…

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