This was the reaction from every. single. person in the office when looking at the above photo of someone whose face has been literally ruined by plastic surgery:
Can you figure out who it is? Here’s a hint: There’s no way you will figure out who it is. Answer ahead.
This isn’t the first time I’ve brought up Future Mirrors, those small bits of viral video from around the web that are tinged with possibilities of seeing my very own future play out before my very eyes. Earlier this week, that Future Mirror was the now shark-jumped Susan Boyle, the overweight British virgin who — thanks to morning talk show/evening news overexposure — has now ruined one of my favorite Les Miserables songs.
Today’s “Future Mirror” is of a similar ilk: A fat cleaning using a wall to help clean his massive, adorably spoonable carcass. You may wonder how this applies to my own future. Well let’s just say it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilities that I’ll end up nude and bloated, leaning against the wall as I desperately try my best to brush rice cracker and Sun Chip crumbs off of my bare, exposed bosom. If you think about it really hard, it almost becomes sexy.
Oh, that’s Princess Anne? Wow, consider this one notch in the “Pro” column for inbreeding. We love Christopher Walken!
Remember that classic “Diff’rent Strokes” episode when Arnold was nearly molested by Mr. Horton? Well this is what the show’s theme song should have sounded like:
When this theme song says “Diff’rent Strokes”, it really, really means it. It’s like The Shining for little people. (via Buzzfeed)
This season, American Idol has introduced some new rules into the competition, namely the famous “Judges Save”, a one-time only America-votes-veto from the show’s judges to save the one contestant they believe deserves another shot. Originally, the announcement of this new rule was a welcome surprise — each season, there is always someone voted off the show prematurely due to vote splitting or an unfortunate week. So, for example, if Allison Iraheta were to have be voted off the show this week, a Judges Save would be totally and completely understandable.
Since the season began, the four judges – Simon, Paula, Randy and Theodore – spend the last few minutes of each elimination episode dramatically deliberating whether or not they will use their one Judges Save and that week’s contestant. And it’s all show, of course. We knew they weren’t gonna keep the blind guy around, because, well, American did him the greatest favor of his life voting him off, and clearly Megan Joy was flying — literally — back to her mobile palace in the sky.
So last night, all the background sis-boom-bahing of Kara and Paula in the world didn’t make us think that this spectacle was actually going to go anywhere. After all, Matt Giraud was certainly cute… but he was basically terrible. His “Part-Time Lover” is what blind prostitute nightmares are made out of, and butchering Bryan Adams is actually considered a felony in Canada. There was no way the judges were going to save him or his oddly intriguing forehead wart.
And then, low and behold… it happened. Matt Giraud was safe. (Seriously, did the guy spend a few night’s with Merv Griffin or am I missing something here?) And next week, two people go home. Allow us to take the take to pre-emptively wish Anoop a safe trip home (as much as I dearly love him.)
Which brings us to our Open Thread of the Day: Did Matt Giraud deserve the judge’s one and only save?
Our answer is ahead:
Here’s the author’s photo on the back flap:
Apparently, Kanye West‘s ego could handle being called a “Gay Fish” on last week’s South Park. But can he handle being Blingeed? This week we’ll find out. After the jump, we’ve provided you with a handful of some choice recent Kanye West photos to work with. Feel free to use one of ours, or find your own, then head over to Blingee.com, Blingee your heart out, and post your results in our comments section. We’ll post our favorites by the end of the week.
We realize that this is a huge task — Blingee’ing Kanye West — but we know you are up for it. Good luck, and Godspeed.
And it has nothing to do with the hair, amIrite America/Jon?
This is a recap for The Top 7 on American Idol Season 8, theme: Movie Songs. You can see the performances here.
This week, my 8th grade idol and recent “Where is his old face now?” candidate Quentin Tarantino served as this week’s mentor. And, in the great words of Ezekiel 25:17/Jules Winnfield: “Blessed is he (Quentin) who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak (AI contestants) through the valley of darkness (criticism), for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children (tweens). And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers (Classic, beloved songs). And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee (Angry ranting blog post, see below).
Let’s get started.
Allison Iraheta – â€œDonâ€™t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith. You would think that what with Quentin Tarantino being at the helm of things, the contestants would have gone out of their way to choose awesome, kick ass soundtrack songs to blow away America with. You would be wrong. (Not a single James Bond theme?? WTF is wrong with these people?) And perhaps no musical example hits the barf-lex quite like this tune from the 1998 smash hit (get it?) Armageddon. This song haunted my senior year of high school sandwiched in between “Still the One” and Fastball’s “The Way”. My hatred for it was soon bolstered when I found out a particularly disliked manager at my summer retail job danced to this very song at her wedding. So why did Allison have to go and do this? The orchestra was a nice touch tonight, and we’re happy to see the mullet making a return. But even Allison’s great voice could not save the suffocatingly maple syrup in the ears quality of the theme song to a movie about a rock hitting Earf. RATING 5/10
Anoop Desai – â€œEverything I Doâ€ by Bryan Adams. Ah, finally a song I can sink my feet into like a shag carpet full of birth control pills. Quentin’s touretty “Lie for you; die for you” was, for me, the equivalent to the ear slicing scene in Rezzy Dogs. Anoop’s Bartokomous jacket notwithstanding, and his facial weird sex face put aside for just a momesies, Anoop sang the song beautifully. RATING 8/10
Adam Lambert – â€œBorn to be Wildâ€ by Steppenwolf. OMG, him and Quentin have chemistry you guys!! Q “enjoyed the taste.” Wouldn’t we all. And there’s lightning!!! Lambert is queening out in an electric rainstorm on Planet Unicorn, holy ess. Now, my love for Lambert is pretty off the charts, but for a moment I wondered if this was the song sung during the headbanging scene during Ace Ventura. Not my favorite song in the universe, certainly, but judging by the audience response (passed out mothers, tween brains spilling into the aisles, Paula shooting out of her seat like a firework held by a drunk Brazilian on New Year’s) he certainly got the crowd riled up. So, it pains me to do this, but given that he turned the chorus into an out of tune racist Chinese melody, he’s left me no choice. RATING 7/10 (Ed. Note: If he would have sang Goldfinger/Diamonds Are Forever, this would have been a 10/10.)