Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Ivana Trump Seeks Lucky Number Five: Could It Be You?

IVANA AND HER MAN23.jpgBefore we go on, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you like older, foreign women?

2. Do you sleep on a bed made of emeralds, rhino spines and baby panda bones?

3. Does your name sound suspiciously fake/verrrry Italian?

4. Do you live in a building named after your name?

5. Does your hair force other people to vomit uncontrollably?

6. Do you enjoy dipping your balls in the salty ocean froth of the Amalfi coast?

If the answers to any of these question is “YES!”, then have we got some good news for you: Ivana Trump is single again.

Yes, Ivana, the ex-wife of the famously gaudy Donald Trump, is now seeking divorce from her fourth husband Rossano Rubicondi. This divorce flies in the face of the age old saying that “The more fun a man’s name is to say out loud, the more he will satisfy you both physically and emotionally.”

But there is hope for Ivana yet. At only 59 years of age, she’s got PLENTY of years of flipping her men over and shaking them for every last penny in her. And who knows? Maybe YOU could be the next Italian man with a photogenic beach shlong to sweep her off of her feet!

Tell us in the comments why Ivana should pick you to be her fifth husband. Feel free to link to photos of your own selves in speedos and post your home phone/fax numbers and yearly incomes. But please, don’t be all “what are you doing? who is this? police on line two.” if you happen to receive a call from any/all of your BWE.tv bloggers.

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Amazing Race Lesson #1: Never, Ever Lose Your Passport and Money

DALLAS AMAZING RACE2.jpgLast night, in one of the biggest Amazing Race upsets ever, frontrunng team Toni and her guido-but-sweet son Dallas Imbimbo (this is LITERALLY his name, which is Latin for “he with the Staten Island Hair”) were eliminated from the race, after Dallas left their passports and all of their money in a taxi cab in Moscow. I repeat: The guy left ALL OF THEIR MONEY AND THEIR PASSPORTS IN A CAB. It’s bad enough for this to happen in real life, or in a city, say, that isn’t Moscow. But on national television! Gel hats off to Dallas’ mother, who did not pummel him into a bloody coiffed mess once the horrible news was broken.

And sadly, their fate was sealed. They were so behind, in fact, that the adorable Phil had to take his leather-clad ass miles away from the Pit Stop to deliver the heartbreaking news.

More importantly, this mean’s that this season’s requisite “bumbling idiots”, Andrew and Dan, have now made it to the Top 3. Which should ensure a pretty entertaining albeit clumsy finale. (If you missed last night’s episode, check it out over at CBS.com)

Amazing Race Lesson #2? Never, Ever Take Nude Photos of Yourself.

Read more…

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Oh, The Places Spaghetti Cat Will Go!

By now, you are more than familiar with Spaghetti Cat, the go to slide of a cat eating spaghetti used on The Mike & Juliet Show in lieu of your regular old “bleeps.” Well our besties over at Urlesque has brought us the following amazing music video entitled Spaghetti Cat (I Weep For You). It’s sort of a tribute video to an old friend, showing all the places that pasta-prone feline has gone. There he is on The Match Game! And why, look at our old friend as a member of The Supreme Court.

Please follow our friendly advice and watch this music video at your earliest convenience.

(Ed. Note: I feel compelled to share the following story. I’m still stuck in Miami on the tail end of a Thanksgiving parental visit. For personal computing purposes, my parents use a revamped Atari game console equipped with Solitaire v. 1 that just happens to also have AOL installed. This means that the simplest of blog posts takes no less than 78 hours. The good news is, my Dad bought a laptop, which is what I am currently using at a local Starbucks in a very Perez Hilton-esque fashion. What I DIDN’T realize was that, though my headphones were plugged in, the above video also happen to be simultaneously blasting out of the laptop speakers. You can imagine my confusion as the local coffee drinkers stared at me in horror as this catchy yet strange Spaghetti Cat song played at full volume no less than 4 times. As the saying goes, “Boy, was my face red.”

Off to watch Wu-Tang’s “Gravel Pit” on the highest of volumes, Michelle.)

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Meet The Italian Jonas Brothers

This weekend, Milan hosted the Italian Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. And wouldn’t you know it? But apparently every European country has their own version of The Jonas Brothers. Meet… Melody Fall:

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Now, it’s too soon to tell if it’s comforting that such miniature pants and idiotic vest combos are sold the world over, or absolutely soul crushing. Personally, I find it comforting.

Ahead, a few other Italian lookalikes! See what the Italian David Archuleta looks like, and find out how the ItalianPanic at the Disco/30 Seconds to Mars copycat group compares in douchiness…

Read more…

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While You Were Fighting Through Life Like The Karate Kid

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  • As though American pride could not grow any greater, now Vanity Fair puts Tina Fey on the cover dressed up like like a Patriotic Nerdgasm. If you have a spare 20 at work today, make sure to read the article.
  • SHOW OF HANDS: How many of you watched MTV’s Britney Spears’: “On The Record” documentary? (Note: Anyone not showing hands is a liar.) Now, how many of you are convinced that all of the girl’s problems stem from her father’s terrifying clown Halloween costume? Exactly. Verdict? She’s amazing.
  • Ricki Lake was quoted saying “I can’t believe I was fat”. In a related story, an 11-year-old brownie found under her porch was quoted as saying “Hellllp Meeee.”
  • Dreams, Unrealized: Whitney Houston is reportedly NOT getting back together with ex-hubby Bobby Brown. And somewhere, a doodybubble loses its wings.
  • I’ve waited years to say the following words… and here they are: Dr. Pepper, you are one dirty son of a bitch. Get out of my office.

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Hancock in 60 Seconds: The Way It Was Meant To Be Seen?

This week’s I Like to Watch brings us 60 Seconds of Hancock, the most gay porny sounding Will Smith movie to exist after Six Degrees of Penetration. So for those of you curious as to how bad the CGI effects were, but who weren’t brave enough to bust $10 to find out, consider this a small Thanksgiving present from us to you.

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THINGS TO GIVE THANKS FOR: Gay Lance Bass

I don’t know about you, but Gay Lance Bass always brings a ray of sunshine into my life. Put your funglasses on and check out Lance showing off his Dancing with the Stars‘ moves on The View this week. Has anyone ever looked happier doing anything in the history of smiles? Rarely to never.

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THINGS TO GIVE THANKS FOR: Britney’s Comeback

Remember last year at this time, when Britney Spears was mmmbaaazigally losing her mind? We never in our bald minds thought that she would get herself back into A+ shape.

Well, here’s another thing to give thanks for in 2008: Britney’s Comeback. She looks as fly as ever, she’s got a pretty good album (“Circus”) coming out on Dec. 2, and while we’re positive she’s still crumbling on the inside, at least she got her weave together.

For any of you doubting Britney’s comeback, we offer you her performance at yesterday’s Bambi Awards. Here she is singing “Womanizer.”

OK, so she’s still a little dead in the eyes… and that clown face background will remain in our Thanksgiving nightterrors for years to come. But what an improvement, eh?

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THINGS TO GIVE THANKS FOR: VH1 Reality Shows

Thank you, VH1 Reality Programming, for constantly giving and very rarely asking for anything in return. It’s because of you that we are privileged enough to all share in the… warmth… of the following photograph:

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That’s Domenico, the breakout star of A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila.

Click to see what his face looks like.

Read more…

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…OF THE DAY: (And Yes, We’ll Be Here On Friday.)

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  • MARKY MARK CAUGHT PEEING IN PUBLIC: Do you say hi to your mother for me with those hands? Shameful. (Popsugar)
  • XXXMAS IDEA: What do you get the person who has everything? What about penis and vagina perfume? (Blackbook)
  • INSANITY.VOM: Britney Spears‘ bodyguards say that she is a bulimic and still crazy. So that’s her secret! Homegirl looks amazing. (Celebitchy)
  • THANKSGIVING MIRACLE: Hooo, lawwwd, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston might get back together. And you know what that’s gotta mean: A brand new season of Being Bobby Brown y’all! (Sun Times)
  • HAPPY THANKSGIVING!: Happy Thanksgiving. (Happy Thanksgiving)