Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Nicole Scherzinger Becomes Most Hated Woman In America

It’s your lucky day, Mrs. Sandusky! Because X Factor judge Nicole Scherzinger has taken the heat off of you for a bit, after making a decision that caused 13-year-old Rachel Crow to do this:

So What Happened?

The short of it is this: Marcus Canty and Rachel were in the bottom two and had to sing for their lives. This was Marcus’ third time in the bottom, and Rachel’s first. Marcus began things by singing the Mary J. Blige song “I’m Going Down,” and interesting title for someone begging not to be elimated. Rachel followed up with her song, “I’d Rather Go Blind,” and frankly, while I’m not the biggest Rachel fan, she nailed it. (You can watch the performances here.)

So what did the judges do? Well Simon Cowell of course voted to keep Rachel. L.A. Gear Reid not surprisingly chooses to keep Marcus. Paula Abdul chose to keep Rachel and send Marcus home. Now it was up to Nicole. Choose Marcus, he flies, choose Rachel, and it becomes America’s choice. So through a waterfall of tears, Nicole decides that even though she’s getting paid millions of dollars to be a judge, she “can’t make this decision.” I think Nicole assumed that Marcus was going to have the lowest number of votes, right? Right?

Wrong.

Rachel Crow was told she was going home, and turned into a human jenga tower of tween despair.

AND NICOLE WAS LIKE

But don’t worry… it gets worse.

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Gary Oldman As A Ventriloquist Dummy Will Haunt Your Dreams

**WARNING**

You Will Hate This

Get those Gmail tabs open and sign into AOL ASAP (DAD), because you’re going to want to e-mail this post to everyone you know who is terrified of ventriloquist dummies. And that’s a trick sentence, because EVERYONE is teriffied of VDs. I mean, I can’t even read Ventriloquism For Dummies without cold chills Prefontaining up my spine. Wooden dummies are THE. WORST.

So, of course, when we saw the not-at-all brain ruining video over at the NY Times of actor Gary Oldman all painted up like a reanimated wooden fever dream, well, there was really only one thing to do… MAKE A GIF WALL OF IT.

Presenting The Worst Thing Your Eyes Will Ever See: A Gary Oldman as a Ventriloquist Dummy GIF Wall. I’m not easily terrified (a lie) but I am writing this blog post while holding up a cross to my monitor.

FINAL WARNING: CLICKING AHEAD WILL RUIN YOUR DAY

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Little Eden Wood Is One Of The Winningest Winners Of 2011

Ah, little Eden Wood, one of the only breakout stars of the hit TLC show Toddlers & Tiaras. Eden has certainly won her fair share of titles… but I’m gonna go ahead and guess that none of her comically large tiaras or pristine sashes can stack up to being named one of VH1s Winningest Winners of 2011, the most prestigious and only award VH1 gives out all year. And tomorrow night at 7 PM on VH1, you can see little Eden and 39 of her closest other 2011 Winners get interviewed by host Amy Schumer, on a show called The 40 Winningest Winners of 2011.

Here’s a sneak peak of Eden doing what she does best: Dancing and singing while pointing at nothing.

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MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES: I Tell You, I’m Shaking

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had everything one looks for in a good episode: Crying, fights, and lasers pointed at nipples. Yes, Brandi Glanvillethrew a party at a friend’s house in Malibu, and all our little rich wife ladies show up, save for Lisa Vanderpump, who is too good for it, and Kim Richards, who was riding a parachute with her boyfriends face on it over the Mississippi in a dream she was having. Taylor Armstrong was stressed about the event, where she was most certainly going to confront Camille Grammer, the only woman brave enough (and cruel enough) to out Taylor’s allegations of abuse against husband Russell. And by her side was Kyle Richards, who had been putting her ankles behind her neck all day in anticipation of showing us that she can do the splits AGAIN.

Of course, a huge fight erupted, and Taylor lost her sh*t (literally, only because she hasn’t eaten, there was nothing to be seen). Following the episode, I called up my dear mother Judy in Florida to get her thoughts on the episode as per usual. Here is what she had to say:

Her Initial Thoughts On “The Fight”

I tell you I’m shaking. I’m very upset. You? What the hell was that yellow dress woman? Where did she come from? I know she’s Camille’s girlfriend, but it’s not your fight. You’re not her attorney! It’s not Judge Judy over here, and she was relentless. And Camille’s such a f**king assh*le that she cannot stand up for herself.

Look, we know the outcome with the suicide of the husband, so who the hell knows what was going on that we know that made her act like this.

On Feeling Bad For Friends Of Alcoholics

It was very upsetting. I feel bad for Kyle. And let me tell you why. When good friends drink it’s hard to watch them lose it. How do you? You want to be on their side, on the other hand you get nauseous. You go home and what is this? Am I a babysitter? What is that? When I saw Kyle in the car, she had to tell Taylor to cover herself up, stop it, what’s going on? It’s very hard to be friends with an alcoholic.

Where I Ask My Mom “Why Did They Have To Even Get Into A Fight At All?”

Because otherwise there’s no show. I’ve learned that over the years. Otherwise what would we have seen? Some wiggling asses drinking wine?

On Brandi’s Nipples

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26-Pound Gummy Bear Gives The Gift Of Giant Diabetes

Looking for the perfect candy that costs as much as an Ipod Nano, weighs 26 pounds, will give people nightmares, and packs in 32,000 calories in one single piece? LOOK NO FURTHER. That’s because candy dealers Vat19.com have managed to construct this ungodly beast of a snack, in a giant “Party Gummy Bear” that can be both eaten or used to serve other foods.

Like this:

Or this:

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One-Day Old Hippo = GIVE ME A CHILD

The Cabarceno Wildlife Park in Cantabria, Spain has a very special little visitor… a ONE-DAY NEWBORN HIPPO!!!!

I CAN’T

Will you look at the chub rings on this newborn little piglet!! You know it knows it’s gorgeous… look at the way he’s gazing into the camera:

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Meet Goatzart, The Classical Music Loving Goat

Goats are truly the people of the barn. They have human faces, and their teeth look like they just came out of Hugh Downs’ mouth. As anyone who truly knows me can tell you, they are hoof down my favorite animal on Earth, as evidenced by this photo of me kissing one nearly on the mouth. (It was our third date. I also had a handful of Grade B goat feed, which is actually just Chex Mix.)

Anyway, here’s a goat that is after my own heart, in that he just adores classical music, in this case, Tchaikovsky‘s Nutcracker.

Maybe it’s the chill in the air, or maybe the fact that I’m on roughly no sleep, but this video is truly a gift delivered to me from whatever God you believe in. I am forever indebted to Bex Schwartz’ Tumblr for bringing this to me.

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This Morphing Face GIF Will Make You Barf

Buckle the f**k up, because The Daily Mail (“More Annoying Than Actual Mail!”) has finally discovered the magic of GIFs, that special easily embeddable moving image. Here is a GIF they found of many faces morphing into one another “Black Or White” style by French artist MicaĆ«l Reynaud.

I just stared at it for a minute and threw up 10 years worth of toasted scooped sesame bagels. There’s nothing really else to say. Time stands still in this GIF.

(via The Daily Mail)

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50 Photos Proving Woody Allen Is Sexxxy

The world’s favorite wearer of pleated pants, actress Diane Keaton, has recently released a juicy memoir of her fabulous life called Then Again. In it, Annie Hall herself recounts some of her career and life highlights, like dating Warren Beatty (please get tested DK), and some of her struggles, such as overcoming binge eating and bulimia.

But strangely, the most controversial thing to come out of her autobiography is her description of brilliant director and ex-boyfriend Woody Allen, whom she describes as an “endearing oaf” who had a “hot body.” I said, she describes Woody Allen as having a hot body.

*Pause for expected recoiling*

Diane appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart defending her love of the Woodman:

You know what, Diane? I’m with you. Without the Gilligan’s hat and clarinet, Woody Allen is not the worst looking guy around! He’s small and kind of adorable and most of all A GENIUS WHOM NONE OF US WILL EVER UNDERSTAND. The man’s brain is like a balsamic reduction of 5 regular human brains. And if someone like Diane Keaton, whose gotten it from Warren Beatty, Keanu Reeves and our favorite silver fox Steve Martin, says the man has a sexy body, well then by God we’re gonna have to agree. Sure, he’s married to maybe-daughter Soon-Yo Previn, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still look and admire.

So this one’s for you Diane! Here are 50 Photos Proving Woody Allen Is Sexy:

50.

49.

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Phil Keoghan Is Cut, Also Might Be Indian Now

If you watch The Amazing Race, then you probably saw the preview of this Sunday’s upcoming episode, where the remaining contestants are going to have to strip down to nearly nothing and compete in a body-building competition. This includes the Grandparents, who are definitely “Ned Flandersing” some abs under those Patagonia fleeces.

But what we didn’t see in that preview was that the Head Race-meister himself, Phil Keoghan, also busts through his signature bolo tie and linen nehru collared shirt to reveal a BRAND NEW PHIL. Dayyymmmm, looks like not only has Phil been working out, but he’s been doing so on the surface of the sun.

Compare this new Slumdog Millionaire hewed Phil to the very same Phil only two years ago in my favorite GIF of all time:

Yup, he’s been Jerseyfied.

AOLtv has more photos of all the contestants in Speedos, but if you really want to feel like crap about yourself and the two inside out spicy tuna rolls you had for lunch (with spicy mayo natch), feel free to keep reading. I’ve posted a photo of Bill and Cathi, GRANDPARENTS, in their bathing suits. You will die.

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