Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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Bulge Watch! Tom Hanks Edition

Is that a little baby bulge we see, Tom Hanks? We’re thinking it is, judging by how proudly you seem to be showcasing your bulge at the Ant Bully premiere. We think other Hollywood A-list actors should take your cue and be proud of their bulges — it’s one of the most beautiful things Mother Nature has to offer us! And we like nothing more than an A-list bulge swathed in stone-washed denim. Keep it up, Tom!

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While You Were Posting Flyers Looking To Get Your SexyBack

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SIZZLER: In Today’s Probably Untrue Break-Up News…

janiston.jpgEvery day, magazines and blogs wax ho-etic about celebrity break-ups. Who’s together, who’s apart, who’s cheating, who’s so coked out of their brains they don’t even know what year it is. Here are today’s top 3 celebrity break-up rumors:

1. Jennifer Aniston Dumps Vince Vaughn. Likelihood? Nil. Aniston needs a big hunk-o-man to cry on, and Vaughn fits the bill perfectly. While the chemistry between these two is highly questionable, comedically and romantically, we’re convinced that another break-up in the public eye would drive normally nicotine-addled Aniston to murderously-sadistic levels of madness.

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ICYMI: Timberlake As You’ve Never Seen Him Before

While Justin Timberlake‘s video for Sexyback premiered on TRL today (and will be on MTV again tonight at 11 p.m.), the empty cavity I’m feeling in the pit of my soul tells me that my Justin fix has still not been satisfied. That’s when I discovered this video of Tiny Timb taken in 1991, when my darling was only 10 years old. Check out his little pants and tie combo! Ayyy pobrecito!

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Happy Days Are Here Again!

FONZ.jpgWell, look who’s too good to appear as Captain Hook on stage: David Hasselhoff! The vazline-chested hunk of yesteryear won’t be able to appear due to some TV conflicts (word has it he’s trying to get his own show, Travels With The Hoff. . . we’re not kidding!) So producers decided to cast the only C-list actor with the moxy and know-how to fill Hasselhoffs canoe-shoes: Henry Winkler, aka “The Fonz”. And at first, we were pretty jazzed!

Then we wondered: What must it be like to be Henry Winkler? What goes through the guy’s head, when you’re brought in as Hasselhoff’s replacement? So, using a team of underpaid analysts, we compiled a timeline of a typical day in the life of an American Hero…

A Day In The Life Of The Fonz

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Suspicious “Panel of Experts” Compiles 50 Greatest Films

Hero (Dustin Hoffman).jpgThere’s always an air of fakery around an article that refers to a mysterious “panel of experts”, but there it is. Said “panel” compiled a list of “50 Films to See Before You Die” for the British digital channel Film 4. The list is after the jump, but there are some very immediate problems with it. For example: #27 is the movie Hero, yet they do not specify whether it is the Tom Cruise Pretends He’s Asian Hero or the Dustin Hoffman Makes A Bad Career Choice Hero. Here’s hoping it’s the latter. Also, Royal Tenenbaums over Rushmore? Unlikely. And hey – not a single John Landis movie on the list?! Come on… Coming to America is one of the finest movies of our time. Also missing: Total Recall, Dumb and Dumber, and possibly the best movie ever, Speed.

Click to read the full list — what other movies did they leave out?
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Keira Knightley: Dead Man’s Chest

Check out this picture taken of Keira Knightley in London a few days ago. We’re not sure if Keira was a feral child, raised by topless, chunky-belted wolves in an alley somewhere, but someone should really get the memo to her that a skirt belted around the human xylophone that is her rib cage does NOT constitute a dress. Maybe it’s just a clever ruse to divert attention from the “Knightley Jaw.” And check out her boyf! Attractive, in a Matthew Mcconaughey as a vampire kind of way — which, on second thought, is exactly our type.

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ICYMI: Gwyneth Paltrow, Rice Queen?

Crush-of-the-Day Daniel Henney, the Zoolander of Asia, takes on Gwyneth Paltrow in a 2005 commercial for the appropriately named Bean Pole International clothing line. The two were back in London this week filming another commercial, but in case you missed the first one, here it is. It’s too bad Chris Martin is in the picture — these two would birth a litter of Benetton models if given the chance.

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Deciphering the Douchebag Rosetta Stone

Sebelia1.bmpObsessed Project Runway folks, listen up. Those of you wondering what the cursive tattoo on contestant Jeffrey Sebelia‘s monster-neck says cab putt your D-Bag Decoder Rings down: People Mag cracked the case! The illegible scrawling says “Harrison Detroit”, the name of Jeffrey’s son, with “l’amor de la mia vita” underneath (translation: “is the love of my life”). While the sentiment may be nice, what’s gonna happen in a few years when little Harrison grows up to be the troubled son of a failed reality show designer, preferring life on the streets to that of the runway? We imagine Sebelia could always change “Harrison Detroit” to “Harrison Ford“, and just tell people that Hollywood Homicide is his favorite movie ever. (Update: Jeffrey’s son is adoooorable. If we weren’t completely sterile, we’d tattoo his name on our necks also.)